Insecurity
I have nothing profound to say on the topic, except that despite my obvious wondrousness (please read dripping sarcasm here), I appear to be a slave to it. I have moments when I start to feel good, even sure of myself, and then the tiniest thing can just pound that into dust in a split second. And then I'm back to fearing I am not and will never be enough to anyone. Including myself.
And I'm just fucking sick of it--the feeling and the pattern. Any tips? How can I poison the fucker and make it die?
Comments (18)
When I complain to my lover about feeling insecure, he frequently suggests that he could tie me to something so I'd be secured ...
My insecurities pretty much boil down to forms of either fear of abandonment or self-hatred. Frequently linked, in forms like, "At some point they'll all realise how worthless I am and then I'll be all alone."
Stuff I've found that helps that is structure, commitments that I can trust (that have held up over time in a consistent manner), external touchstones I can count on. My internal world is not stable enough to provide me with touchstones -- if I were in better mental condition I wouldn't need the outside world to lean on, but as it is I am too prone to getting sucked into the self-hatred and self-doubt spirals.
External stuff can give me the trust I need that the world is as I remember it to manage things. It can also give me a context where I can admit to insecurities and have some level of reassurance and reconnection given to head off the really messy stuff.
I used to ask my husband this question a lot: "Why do you put up with me?" Just ... looking for reasons. It was a sort of minor ritual, though one I am trying to not do anymore because it reinforces the self-doubt while asking for palliatives.
It's hard.
1. Posted by Darkhawk on November 30, 2006
The same advice I give myself:
1) Get out of your own head and listen to other people
2) Don't discount the good things and internalize only the bad.
3) Consider the source.
In other words, if a fabulous person such as myself tells you you're fabulous, then you're fabulous.
Also, I'm always right. ;p
2. Posted by Hiromi on November 30, 2006
Must be that time of year again. I've been handing out my Unpatented Gloom Cure left, right and centre.
1. Vitamin B complex
2. Regular exercise
3. Relaxation CDs. Try meditainment.com for a free download. Gives your mind a break for half an hour...
And specially for insecurity:
4. Worst case scenario-ing. As in - so I am (insert horrible personal insult here). So fuckin' what? It's a tricky one to pull off, but it appeals to my morbid gloom-ridden personality. It's about reaching the point where you stop castigating yourself for (bad habit, deep character flaw, etc) and own it proudly. For me, and probably you too, writing it out helps. Writing out honestly what you're worried about. Did I say writing? Perhaps the verb 'spewing' would work better. When you can own your flaws and be at peace with them, that's when things start to turn around. I think.
Unless, of course, you are a serial killer. In that case, (and only that case) you deserve to feel bad.
x nikki
3. Posted by nikki on November 30, 2006
Have you considered disappearing from the world for months without word?
It worked wonders for my self-esteem, getting the hell away from as many influences as I could manage. You might be surprised by how much you learn to accept about yourself when you leave yourself no choice.
4. Posted by The Retropolitan on November 30, 2006
Ok, this might not be the most popular advice ever given, but believe it or not I also suffer from these intense feelings of insecurity. I've read alot of advice over the years, heard it all from everyone and the one thing that I've learned for myself is this... you can't make it die. It will always be there. So, the only option open to you is this, learn to live with it, understand it and then USE IT to empower yourself. Don't try to fight it, that only works to make it worse, and gives it power over you. Embrace it, show it some love, and it will eventually be a useful force in your life. It does work, it worked for me. I stil have my moments, nothing is perfect all the time, but generally I understand where it comes from and why I feel that way, and fundamentally I've come to appreciate that it isn't me,the world just IS. I can't change it I can only learn to live IN it.
It is a hard journey, but it can be a wonderous one. Much love to you. :)
5. Posted by ArtfulDodger on November 30, 2006
I find that grabbing myself by the throat and choking myself sometimes works, but I wouldn't recommend it. I'm omnipotent and can rise from the dead. You might not be so lucky.
6. Posted by Omnipotent Poobah on November 30, 2006
I'm glad Vessey wasn't Kelly Ripa, 'cause that would mean I was fucking nuts. I always liked her.There was homespun wisdom in that show. It was kinda zen.
Now for some reason I keep imagining different people in cheesesuits. The cheesesuit of my mind is always a big wedge with holes, like a kind of swiss triangular cylinder-segment that sprouts legs, arms, a head. The process is strangely fascinating to me.
7. Posted by Buck on December 1, 2006
Thanks, all, great answers. You know, a lot of people are suggesting external validation; find people you can count on, believe others if you can't believe yourself. I'm not sure that works for me. For one, it's hard for me to believe I can entirely count on anyone (see, insecure!) and I find it difficult to believe others if I don't believe myself. And I'm *already*, I feel, too dependent on external validation. I think for me the answer is finding a way to believe in my own compass, regardless of others' opinions or feelings. When I no longer NEED a touchstone. I feel slightly closer to this than I ever did, but I know I'm not there yet. I wish I had a magic formula. I hate feeling insecure on any level.
I'm so busy today. So, some quick individual responses:
Darkhawk: "When I complain to my lover about feeling insecure, he frequently suggests that he could tie me to something so I'd be secured ..."
Ha ha, that is so great. I'm going to have to remember that line. He sound great. If I was insecure and my bf said that to me, I think it would take away a lot of fear just hearing that.
Hirmoi Wait, I thought *I* was always right. Does this mean we will have to split world rulership?
Get out of your head is a good one. But I think I want to say instead of the second half, get out of my head and into my heart and gut more. And yeah, #2 is crucial. Again, wish there were a formula for this stuff. I keep wanting to say, "Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it!" But I guess it's different for every person. I think I also harbor some fears that I'm "naive" if I hold on to the good as much as the bad...that I'll be setting myself up to be taken advantage of if I am not prepared for the worst. I don't want to be the woman, for instance, who is head over heels with some man who is romancing her while he steals her money and puts it into some Swiss bank account.
Which, as we know, is likely, as everyone wants to be a centillionaire.
But you know what I mean, theoretically speaking.
Nikki: Have been doing many of these, except the vitamin B. I'll have to get on that. I've just recently started a regimented exercise program again. I know it always makes me feel better, but I have some sort of mental inertia/prejudice thing against it even so. Even when I'm highly in shape, getting to the workout is always a forced push.
I think this blog, in many ways and on many days, has become my spew. It wasn't my original intention for that to be so, and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it is what it is...
You and Art are both talking about just accepting the insecurity and moving on. That's probably key to becoming less insecure for me, I bet.
Retropolitan: Ha. Yes, I tried that, for a few years, and it made things worse. At this point, like Hiromi said, it's time for me to get less into my head, not more. But I'm glad that formula worked for you. :)
Art: I hear you. Like I said to Nikki, I think learning not to castigate myself for feeling insecure is probably part of the "cure." But you know what, though it may never be entirely gone, I feel in a way that learning to be able to accept it, and therefore confront it constructively, may actually be the key to getting rid of it, for the most part.
Omnipotent Poobah: I think I love you just a little bit. You're right; laughter is probably the best way to kill anything negative.
Buck: Heh, well no one's gonna understand that non sequitur except me and Hiromi, but...yep, that triangular suit was exactly what she was wearing. Maybe everyone should wear a cheese suit for a day. Humility and humor are both great qualities. Though the second in greater doses than the first, I think.
8. Posted by Miss Syl on December 1, 2006
And come to think of it, a cheese suit is a good cure for insecurity. So maybe it's not a non sequitur after all.
9. Posted by Miss Syl on December 1, 2006
You know, a lot of people are suggesting external validation; find people you can count on, believe others if you can't believe yourself. I'm not sure that works for me. For one, it's hard for me to believe I can entirely count on anyone (see, insecure!) and I find it difficult to believe others if I don't believe myself. And I'm *already*, I feel, too dependent on external validation.
Of course, everyone should follow their own path, and I'm not trying to change your mind. And I agree that it's pointless to beat yourself up over being insecure. I'm just sort of interested in the internal/external aspects of insecurity in an abstract way.
I mean, where does insecurity come from in the first place? I think that it comes from external sources, from upbringing, experience in relationships, etc. In other words, from a lack of positive external validation. I doubt very much that people are born insecure; they are made that way. So I don't think that relying to a degree on external validation to overcome something caused by (filtered) negative input from other people is necessarily dependence. Anyway, just my opinion.
10. Posted by Hiromi on December 1, 2006
Syl,
Re: insecurity -- eats lots of fish...
Ranita
11. Posted by ranita on December 1, 2006
Ranita: Huh?
12. Posted by Miss Syl on December 1, 2006
This is going to sound simplistic to all of you but.....
Stop thinking so damn much and just feel, experience and enjoy.
Woman = good, man = good, woman + man = finger lickin' good.
(Sorry, I think I'm a bit tipsy and I didn't even read all the comments. - Please don't kick me out, Ms Syl! ;))
13. Posted by TravelingMermaid on December 2, 2006
Hi Ms. Syl,
I think the advice about depending on external validation is really bad. I feel great about myself all the time, and can still reflect on the fact that I am a constant fuck-up. I often have lots of people telling me I am an asshole to my face. Screw them. I've done great things. I've done stuff that was pretty damn dumb. Whatever!
I also believe that basing self-esteem on ephemeral things is also bad. You're a great writer-- but what happens if you get writer's block? You're a beautiful young woman. But what happens when you get old?
If you feel like you suffer from some low-level depression/anxiety disorder, then get some meds. If you're a Seasonal Affective Disorder-type, then get a sunlamp. Always exercise, no matter who you are, or what your issue is. If you're in a worst-case scenario, follow my Grandma's advice-- take a shower. Then if you kill yourself, you'll have a clean corpse. If you want to get intellectual and really understand yourself, read Daniel Amen's books about neurophysiology. It will revolutionize the way you view yourself, when you realize how much is just the stack of cards that either random chance or a malicious deity gave to you.
Here's the key toward feeling good about yourself. Move through life, making choices. Some of these choices will be bad. Some will be good. But you will be making them-- and not stagnating. Do this for three months, then reflect. You'll find that you will be as you truly are-- virtually indestructible. Until, of course, you get run over by a bus. But then it won't matter, and you'll feel great up to that moment. ;-)
If you need a personal hero, pick Tom Bombadil. He's always been mine.
Love,
Chuck
14. Posted by whatthechuck on December 2, 2006
Just a little bit? I'm freakin' omnipotent fer Chrissakes!
15. Posted by Omnipotent Poobah on December 3, 2006
TM: It takes a lot to make me kick someone out, and sharing an opinion is not one of the things that prompts it.
However, i will point out that insecurity *is* a feeling, just not a pleasant one. So thinking of ways to "cure" this feeling is, to my mind, perfectly adequate.
Also, this may come off as me sounding angry, but I'm not, just being matter of fact about something I've realized. I'm no longer going to accept the feedback "stop thinking so much." For most of my life people have told me to "stop thinking so much," essentially making me feel bad for the way I "work." Telling someone like me "stop thinking so much"...it's more or less the same as saying "stop breathing so much." I'm no longer going to apologize for being a thinker, or try to change that aspect of myself. I accept it. It's who I am.
I also DO things. Thinking is not a paralyzing activity, and it has always bothered me that people act as if one can not be a viable member of society if one also chooses to think about one's (and the world's) actions and motivations even as one is doing them.
The only thing I feel I want to change in relation to my thinking processes is I want to articulate to others what I'm thinking more often, rather than just worry about it on my own.
Whatthechuck: Thanks for the feedback. While I'm not sure it'll ever be my goal not to care if someone thinks I'm an asshole, the point is well taken. Also, points for making me chuckle at parts.
But okay, you say don't base one's self-image on external factors OR ephemeral ones. So what do you base it on?
I make choices all the time. So I don't think that's my ticket in. Insecurity doesn't paralyze me--I still do what I want to do. I just *feel* it.
I also don't think insecurity is related to depression, necessarily. I know many people who are somewhat insecure who are also not depressed.
Tom Bombadil is a good hero to have. I'm kind of partial to Mae West, Morticia Adams, and Catwoman myself.
16. Posted by Miss Syl on December 3, 2006
Poohbah:
Just a little bit? I'm freakin' omnipotent fer Chrissakes!
Well then, you don't need me to tell you just how much I love you, do you? You already know. :-P
(Unless the diety is insecure, too?)
17. Posted by Miss Syl on December 3, 2006
You don't know me, so this may sound like an advetisement, but what really helped me a lot was Dr. Phil's Self matters. I am a very cynical, educated, male, but he managed to really talk to me--though I can't stand him on television and don't agree with him politically or socially--I'm very liberal. Pick up the book and do what it says and you will be absolutely surprised by what you will become.
18. Posted by Gremlin on January 19, 2007