Single and Childless
A married friend said to me this week that I'm still free enough to do anything. To just pick up and move. And my immediate feeling was, "I don't feel very free."
I don't know when that happened, that feeling. I never felt that kind of a response before.
My life since I turned 18 has been a tribute to the "pick up and move" mentality. And yes, it's great. And yes, you feel free when you're doing it. But then you have to stop somewhere, and build. Until you break it all down and start over and stop and build and break it down and start over and stop and...
I don't know how to stop this cycle, I don't think. I've got wanderlust in my blood. My brain and body always yearn for forward motion. And yet, here I am, as of last month living for the longest I've lived in any one place since I was old enough to vote. And I don't even LIKE it here. Well, not entirely. But it feels like something has; I don't know...broken down. I feel like a car on blocks, my streamlined curves still aching for what it felt like to be racing down the highway. And no amount of mechanical tinkering seems to be able to expose exactly WHAT is keeping me from getting up and running again.
I don't know where I'm going, where I'm supposed to go, or why to go there.
I also hate that I'm just SITTING here, being fucking sensible. It's so BORING. I want to move. I want to GO. I want to BE THERE.
But then, this week, I can't stop thinking about the end years of my life. It keeps gnawing at me. When I'm old and getting ready to die, will I be lying in my bed feeling my life was full of adventure and new experiences; a scintillating circus of memories? Or will I mostly just be alone and ill, without any emotional/physical support because I never stayed anywhere long enough or cared about anyone long enough to settle down, marry, and/or have kids--and without any money because I never accrued enough savings, having also never settled down long enough to accrue sensible things like property, investments, savings, retirement funds.
This week for some reason has been full of stories of children caring for their aging and incapacitated or financially strapped parents. Everywhere I turn, there's another story. And I have to ask myself, as good as freedom feels, will it pay off? Who will look out for me when I become too frail to take care of myself? Who will help me if I run out of retirement money, social security disappears, and I have no immediate descendants who would take me in? What happens to those people for whom this is the case?
As good as freedom feels, will it pay off?
I hate this question. I want the answer to be that freedom of spirit is ALWAYS preferable to a compromise that ensures a gilded cage of at best monotonous routine and at worst plain old misery. I hate how married people often treat the "single and childless" as if they are cursed; or something to be pitied. I hate seeing how so many people I know have settled for a certain kind of life they're not even happy in, just because it provides a certain kind of security they're unwilling to give up. It makes my blood boil. And yet, there's the question.
I talked to another married friend of mine the other day, and told her I couldn't stop thinking about this question. She said, "You know, that never even crosses my mind. I never even thought to worry about that." I pointed out she was married in her 20s, has a husband who rakes in the dough, and has two kids, so despite her pointing out that you never CAN know what will happen, and a husband and kids NOW is no guarantee of support later, she probably doesn't think about the question because she on some subconscious level she thinks of her spouse and children as an old-age security blanket. She thought that might be true, and pointed out that she often worries what would happen if her spouse died, and how would she manage to raise her kids.
Well, I said to her, there's something I never even think to worry about.
So I guess it's all a trade off. But you see single people raising kids all the time. You don't see what happens to the very old, single, childless people. Where do they go?
Assuming I never become wealthy, how am I going to weather old age alone?
And when can I just pick up and move and just stop thinking about this?
Note before commenting: I'm not saying all marriage is a "gilded cage," or that you can't feel or be free if you're married. I think it's quite possible to be married and feel freedom of spirit...if the marriage is good. I'm merely riffing on the sometimes perception that single people are "free" and without worries. And the perception on the other hand that they are stupid and misguided for being so. And then also, let's face it, there ARE a lot of marriages and families out there that don't meet the ideal, and that do feel like the opposite of freedom.
Comments (16)
Syl, this is something I wonder about often. The conclusion I come to, as my life grows stiller and smaller in many ways, is that freedom doesn't mean dropping everything and racing off to the next shiny bright party. In fact, I have friends who live like this - Travelling with a capital T, moving every couple of months, hopping from one thing to the next. Always restless, never satisfied. Always worried they're missing out, never fully present.
I used to live like this - probably a common thing in da youth. But then...partly, I got tired of it. Of uncertainty and high drama and feeling like the ground was always shifting underfoot. And also - this is the key for me - I got a very clear idea of what I want to be doing. What I love and enjoy. I'm sounding like a self-help manual, I know.
But once you've got that figured out, a lot of uncertain things fall away. It's no chore being tied to a life that you love and have created by yourself, for yourself.
Haven't quite figured out how to stop worrying about dying alone, though. I'm trying right now to find peace with the idea.
Have you seen 'The death of Mr Lazarescu'? Depressing, but uplifting somehow too.
1. Posted by Nikki on November 14, 2006
There's a whole debate out there about "childless" versus "childfree." I don't like to identify myself strongly with either camp, but I suppose I lean more towards the latter term. "Childless" suggests aridity, loss, disappointment. Lack. I don't feel that way about not having children. I don't feel empty inside. I feel, well, free.
This post did resonate for me, though. I too sometimes wonder about what will happen to me when I'm old. Will I have nieces and nephews? Will they come to see me? Will I even get nice visits from high school students trying to build up the "community service" section of their college applications?
(Although I am married, I don't have much confidence that this will make much difference to me in the long run. I actually suspect that my husband will die young. This is partly due to a realistic assessment of his deplorable health habits, and partly it's a fantasy of escape from a less-than-wonderful marriage. I digress.)
There's a Jill Sobule song out there about this. You know it?
2. Posted by Mu Ling on November 14, 2006
Nikki: Yes, for me the key thing I've been worrying about is the dying alone thing. At least in the UK where you are, there are some decent social services for the elderly that provide some measure of mental security about the future. In the US, there are very few services and very little pity or societal feelings of obligation for those without money or insurance, regardless of what age they are.
I think you are very right in that finding a fully-realized sense of self would probably put other things into perspective. I'm working on it. It's not so much I don't know who I am; more how to stop being afraid to be that person, BECAUSE of such "dying alone and old and ill" neuroses. I've been told most of my life most things I want are not practical or realisitic. Which has left me in an odd limbo--not weak enough to ever fully give up, not strong enough to ignore the critics and go full force into what I dream of. So I waver back and forth repeatedly, and I don't really ever win...or lose. And I so HATE mediocrity.
Heh. Probably more info than you or anyone wanted, but it's what came out when I started typing. I do very much admire you for how you're living your life; which is, in fact, very close to how I wish I were living mine. I'll get there.
Mu Ling: Yeah, I chose the title of the post less about my own personal views on the topic and more to point out the stereotypes and instant emotional/attitudinal responses people have when they hear that stereotypical phrase.
I often wonder if many people have kids for just this reason--so they have some sort of old age guarantee. I can't see putting that kind of burden of expectation on your children, but it's true that people seem to have some kind of sense of security around the progeny thing. After all, that's what families are "supposed" to do, isn't it? Support each other.
Anyway, I don't want to have kids or a husband just to ensure old age security. But then on the other hand, I kinda feel panicked that I'd better get rich damn quick if I don't want my end years to be really bad. Bleah.
I don't know the song. Which one?
3. Posted by Miss Syl on November 14, 2006
I don't have an mp3 of it, but the lyrics are here:
http://www.jillsobule.com/songs/happytown/barrenegg.html
Not that I'm a big fan of song lyrics without the actual SONG, but you get the idea.
4. Posted by Mu Ling on November 14, 2006
I'm not even practical enough to have considered social services and all that sensible stuff. What I'm scared of is not having someone to hold me as I go. Oh dear, this post seems to have tapped into my deepest darkest fears. A friend and I promised each other a few years ago (both single, and no kids even dreamt of) that we would hold each other as we went.
But last weekend I fell out with her.
I think we're sposed to focus on the wonder of having a SO and/or kids, rather than use them as a desperate insurance. And sometimes I look at my boyf now and I love him so much it hurts. I am more scared now of losing him, dying alone, than I was when I was single. Bittersweet, and a curious contradiction.
Keep following this thread, Syl, you'll achieve some blissful Zen-like state, I'm sure of it.
By the way, people who use words like 'practical' and 'realistic' when criticising others are nearly always bitter and unhappy themselves. I ignore any advice that includes anything 'realistic'. And the wavering thing? I think everybody has that. I wouldn't presume to know what your deep self is trying to be, but if it's choosing to remain single, then why the hell not?
There was a buzz a few years ago called 'quirkyalone', remember it? Boston marriages, marrying oneself, etc. There's also the phrase 'feme sole', which I love. Old French, means any woman not attached to a partner.
5. Posted by nikki on November 15, 2006
I totally understand.
I've always thought of myself as a "kid." I don't like "grownup" things like being responsible for a house, mortgage, kids. The thought of a stable career likewise gives the heebie jeebies. Honestly, I've never "grown up." I want to do what I want, and I don't want anyone telling me what to do. It seems I've never grown up.
While I can live that way since it's a free country and all, I do pay for it in terms of security. But I just can't imagine it any other way. Even if I could do it all over, I would NOT settle for stability. I just can't.
6. Posted by Hiromi on November 15, 2006
Oh, I'm not saying you're a fellow kid. That's just my take on the topic.
7. Posted by Hiromi on November 15, 2006
First, this is an amazing post. You are a wonderful writer.
Next...I know exactly what you're feeling. My Dad keeps harping on me about not having a 401K or social security and keeps asking me what I plan to do when I'm 60. I guess I just haven't thought about it yet. I always assumed I'd be with someone and we'd take care of each other. But the more he brings it up the more it makes me realize that he's worried that I'll end up 50 and alone.
8. Posted by Sex & Moxie on November 15, 2006
These are issues I've been struggling with a lot lately. I don't want children, but I do worry about dying alone, etc. I think knowing the possibility is there of aging and dying alone, you have to try and develop a strong network of friends to be there for you instead.
9. Posted by SB on November 16, 2006
I've thought about this too. Recently someone very close to me passed away, my mother's best friend. Her children took care of her in the end, and I couldn't help but think about who would take care of me someday.
I think we should get all the single broads together in one old-age home, and we can all look after each other. We can swap stories about our wild youths, and if we embellish a little, who's gonna know?
10. Posted by brooke on November 17, 2006
Some cages are outside. Some are in.
Who knows which bind each of us?
11. Posted by Elvis on November 18, 2006
Nikki: I agree, people should marry and reproduce only for sheer love. I wonder how often that's the only reason they do, though. Talking to some of my married (and almost divorced) friends and family lately and asking them why they chose to get married, I'm getting a shocking number of reasons other than, "I was in love."
I'm sorry to hear you and your friend fell out. Like you, I always imagined when we all got old, all my friends would band together and just be all smartass biddies and bastards together. I really believed in the concept of "chosen family." But sadly, I've found as my friends have all become married and had kids, they don't have time for much else anymore, and their sense of "chosen family" disappears as they birth real ones. I no longer imagine they'll be around--or even aware of what I'm up to--when I'm old. It's sad.
Hear, hear about "practical" and "realistic." That's what I *want* to think. But on another level, those people will probably be able to support themselves in retirement...
I guess I'll just have to write that novel and get rich fast.
Hiromi: You know, I've never thought of one state as being more "childlike" than the other. Just alternate choices. Though it *does* seem in a broad generalization that single people stay more youthful in looks and spirit for longer than their married/breeding counterparts. I wonder why that is.
Sex & Moxie: Thanks for your sweet compliment. It came on the heels of a hard week, so it's much appreciated. You said how you'd always assumed you'd be with someone and you'd work it out together. Me, too. Now that that hasn't happened, I wish I had been smarter about money all along, and hadn't expected that my spouse would sort it out for me (how very traditionalist of me!--but mostly it's just I hate anything to do with math or gambling, which finances/investments are heavy on). Anyway, if you're younger than I am, I say empower yourself about your own finances. If you're working for a company that offers a 401K, sign up for it. It's relatively painless, and you'll be happy about it later. I waited a long time to do it, and I'm sorry I did. Even though I changed jobs a lot, I could have had a lot more money saved up than I do now.
SB: Yeah, you're right. I'm just sad I have to start over finding a whole new network of single friends, since my married ones seem to be in their own small family-sized networks now. It's tiring to think about.
Brooke: I am so there. I bet it would be a blast to hang out with you, even in your arthritic years. But we should have one of those restricted retirement communities, to counteract the snobby mainstream ones. Like those circus people retirement towns--"Palookaville: A community for aging, single hipsters." And then we could give them a sarcasm and indie music/alternative pop culture test and shit to see if they qualify.
Karl Elvis: I get what you're saying, but I'm not sure how it relates to the post. Are you saying it sounds from what I wrote like I've got an inner cage? How so?
I was trying to say making certain choices because they're "safer" (not because I really *want* to do them) feels like a trap to me...and yet not making them could mean pain and neglect for me when I'm really old and can't take care of myself. I'm not sure where the cage comes in in that...? Or is it you're saying either choice is a cage?
12. Posted by Miss Syl on November 19, 2006
In my 20's I was childless by choice
In my 30's I lost 2 babies and did the whole infertility thing for my husband's sake.
In my 40's I live for myself, childless by choice and circumstance and happy for it.
Believe it or not, I never think about dying alone or worry that I will because I'm childless. My best friend is an only child who is estranged from her parents. There are no guarantees in life.
13. Posted by TravelingMermaid on November 20, 2006
TravelingMermaid: Yep, it's absolutely true you never know. I realize that; I'm just saying people feel they have more of a security blanket, so they don't tend to worry about it.
But okay, you don't worry about it...But you and your friend who is estranged...how do you imagine you'll be cared for when you get old, then? Or do you just not think about it at all, and whatever will be, will be?
14. Posted by Miss Syl on November 20, 2006
I don't think about it. I'm a pro at that. Sad, huh?
15. Posted by TravelingMermaid on November 21, 2006
TM: Actually, it sounds like the opposite of sad. It sounds like freedom to me. I wish I knew how to just not think about stuff so much. I don't seem to be built that way.
16. Posted by Miss Syl on November 21, 2006