The Kind of Sex You Shouldn't Have
I'm going to make a statement that may be controversial, particularly for a sex blogger.
I believe there are some sex acts that should not be performed.
Keep reading below the cut before you flame me.
**And also note that any mention of sex blogs, blogging, or bloggers in the the text to follow are general and are definitely NOT about any specific sex blog or blogger in particular.
It's a strange thing being part of a sex blogging community. As you read the multitude of sex blogs out there, you begin to see the emergence of a certain pattern. Bloggers are continually praised for describing their sexual exploits in great detail. And the more explicit they are, the wider and more frequent the variety of sex acts and couplings and kink they claim to perform, the more praise they get--and often the more readership they get. And the more that readership will tend to call that person "brave."
Now, I am not suggesting that open sexual expression on the 'net is at all bad, or that it is NOT brave. What I am suggesting is that I believe the pattern described above puts us on dangerous ground for setting up a certain fallacious construct in people's minds. That construct being: the fewer limits there are on your sexuality, the more you're willing to do or try, the braver--and better--you are. And of course that statement feeds into a converse construct: the fewer sex acts you're willing to try, the more cowardly--and worse--you are.
I disagree. Emphatically.
One of the best things about the blogosphere is that it provides a place for those on the more experimental end of the sex spectrum to voice their sexuality without shame or apology. I think that is a gift, and one not to be taken lightly. Many of us in this community know what it feels like to be shamed for our sexuality. So I think, as we savor that gift of shame-free expression, we also have an important responsibility to not create a kind of reverse-discriminatory shame for those who do NOT share the wider range of the sexual spectrum.
I am not saying that sex bloggers, for the most part, deliberately encourage this attitude. However, I see the attitude present in the comments of their readers quite a bit: "I wish my wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend were like you (implied: 'instead of the uptight person she/he is)." "I've been trying to get my partner to do that for years, and she/he won't." "Anyone who refuses to provide (fill in the sex act) to their partner is just so lame/boring/prudish/(fill in your negative adjective)." "How could anyone not like (fill in the sex act)?!?"
It's easy to see, whether intentional or no, our readers see our daily posts and imagine and misinterpret. When all they see is a daily string of tales of stimulating excess and adventure (a good deal of which is often fictional or semi-fictional erotica), it may look like that is REAL--that that is what our regular, everyday lives are like. And our readers may decide to hold that up as the ideal that "ought" to be "made to happen" in their real lives. And this notion is dangerous, as readers may begin to feel that they or their partners should be "required" to emulate what they read, despite going beyond comfort levels, in order to achieve what appears to be "total sexual freedom."
I'm not saying it's a sex blogger's responsibility to police our readers. Their behavior in their personal lives is not our responsibility, and our writing can't be blamed for another's inappropriate behavior. But I believe it IS our responsibility to provide some perspective. So this post is me, as a sex blogger, providing some perspective.
The key point being: Sex bloggers, no matter how racy in their writing life, are not any more sexually free than anyone else in their regular lives.
Let me be very clear here. Freedom, sexual or otherwise, is not achieved through the erasing of all limits, or by embracing extreme sexual acts.
Freedom is achieved through having optimal CHOICE of what acts you prefer to perform, and what limits you want to set for yourself--and then setting them and having them be respected, whatever they are. YOU set your sexual landscape, based on what makes you most comfortable.
Sex bloggers are not different or better because of the acts they describe. The only difference between sex bloggers and the general populace is that they make the journey toward discovering such freedom publicly readable. Their path is THEIR path, not the path anyone else "should" take. It's not better or worse than someone else who makes less extreme sexual choices than that blogger--or more extreme ones.
As our readers, it is important for you to understand that no matter how ideal our writing may make things sound, sex blogging is not representative of any sex bloggers' day-to-day life. Often, we write about our fantasies as much as we write about our realities. We may or may not have tried everything we write about--sometimes we may just be imagining what it might be like. Sometimes, we give advice about things that make us or our partners feel good, but those same things might not make you or your partner feel good. We are most likely NOT everyone's ideal lover. There are days we are too tired to have sex. There are times when we have plain ol' vanilla sex. We might even have vanilla sex way more often than we have a good bondage session. Or not. It just depends. We get testy; we get demanding; we get insecure. We have supreme sexual moments; we have awkward ones. Our arm falls asleep under our partner's weight. Just like everyone else. There is no magic here, just us trying to forge and define our own sexual identities and express our own sexual fantasies, some of which we'd like to act on, some of which we want to only keep fantasies. Just. like. everyone. else.
So I restate my opening assertion. As a sex blogger, I believe there are some sex acts that should not be performed. And those acts are whichever ones you personally are not interested in performing, full stop. Boundaries are an important part of a healthy sexuality. You do NOT have to perform a sex act merely because it exists. You don't HAVE to try something you aren't interested in or feel afraid of trying, just to find out whether you like it or not, if you already know you just don't want to. You don't have to perform any act because it seems like most everyone else performs that act. It doesn't matter if your partner wants you to do it. If you don't want to, you shouldn't do it. And your partner(s) should respect that.
If he or she doesn't, you don't want to be with that partner. You want to find someone else with whom you're more compatible. I know that may sound painful. But trust me, a partner who won't respect your personal sexual boundaries, WHATEVER they are, is a person who will eventually demonstrate disrespect for many other boundaries you may have as a human being later on, and things will only get worse.
And for those partners who complain that it's unfair that their partner should deny them certain sex acts, I say the same. If you find you can't respect your partner's sexual boundaries (in whichever direction they tend), you should not be pushing them to change their mind. You should simply not be with that partner.
Sexual compatibility is so often a make or break factor in the success of a relationship, and people need to start talking honestly and at the very inception of a relationship not late into it. Boundaries shouldn't be drawn after the fact, when there was pretense that there were none there at first. Boundaries shouldn't be pushed after the fact, when there was pretense that a boundary was okay for you at first.
For sex bloggers or any other human, it is important to remember we are not "brave" or "better" because we have a particular type of sex. We are brave because we are trying to define our own personal boundaries and that, ultimately, will make our sexual freedom better.
Do not use sex blogs as benchmarks of what your sexual boundaries should be. Draw your own boundaries, based on what feels right to you. You know what you like, and what you're curious about. You know what makes you feel good-nervous, and what makes you feel bad-nervous. You know what feels downright scary to you. Make guidelines accordingly. No matter what anyone else is or isn't doing, you have every right to this and to have those guidelines respected. Never think you are worse or less free because you don't do or want to try everything there is to do.
And if you draw a personal sexual boundary and someone ever tries to talk you out of it by pointing to particular entries on sex blogs as evidence that that boundary is unrealistic or wrong, you now have a post from another sex blog that you can point to to negate that entirely faulty argument.
Comments (15)
Very well put. This topic really hit close to home, as I have very painful personal experience with my boundaries being disregarded, so I appreciate that you wrote this. You're making up for a sad lack of good information on sex.
Our society does a poor job in general in educating people, but sex is particularly problematic. It's not news to anyone that our society is sexually repressive, with this unhealthy dynamic:
1) In order to satisfy the capitalists, sex is freely commodified and commercialized. The sex that is sold is not real or human; it's "product", and it's *everywhere*.
2) In order to satisfy the "Puritans," our society DOES NOT encourage actually talking and thinking about sex, so the only representation of sex that is available is commercialized crap.
Good, healthy information on sex is pretty limited. It's out there, but it's limited, so it's easier to rely on blogs or even pornography to get information. I doubt the above dynamic will change anytime soon, so hopefully we'll get better blogs and better porn!
1. Posted by Hiromi on November 6, 2006
I have the interesting perspective of having been way too vanilla to deal comfortably with being in a relationship with one ex, and way too kinky to deal comfortably with being in a relationship with another one.
From the combination of experiences I've come away with the generalised feeling that being willing to do things one wouldn't normally do because a partner enjoys them, on occasion, is one of those bits of compromise flexibility that makes it easier to have successful relationships.
And that, sometimes, being flexible isn't enough; there has to be enough overlap of shared interests that the majority of the sex life isn't full of '... oh, that weird thing again, close your eyes and think of England ...' or consistent frustrated impulse towards something that's on the far side of a hard limit.
I learned from that relationship where I was the boring prude that there's a whole lot of stuff out there, most of which I'm not interested in. It's made me hard to weird out. I learned a lot about my own limits, too, especially some of the risks of being a submissive.
I learned from the other one that having a partner who can't really deal well emotionally with my sexuality including my kinks is not something I'm willing to try to deal with again. Having even minor recognitions of this stuff on the other side of a hard limit is painful, frustrating, and hard on the relationship as a whole.
Ahh, education.
A different response-thought:
One of the things I find interesting is that I would like to write about some of the more, hrrr, interesting? Brave? portions of my sex life, but I just don't have the language. It's not something I've been in the habit of talking about, and the surrounding culture doesn't have much language I can draw on in a pinch, so I keep getting stumped on basic lack of practice talking about it.
In this I think you and others are doing a valuable thing, in the whole opening up spaces where it's possible to talk about this sort of thing more freely. I suspect this will come with a little bit of experiential dicksizing no matter what -- brash, pushy people carving out space within that space, y'know? I hope most people coming through can correct for that sort of thing.
2. Posted by Darkhawk on November 6, 2006
One more thing on education:
I used to be quite pissed off that the "sex manuals" explaining how to perform various sex acts would generally devote at most a paragraph to respecting boundaries. But now that I think about it, they probably did this because they thought it was obvious and common sense stuff.
But it isn't.
Anyway, the authors would write at length about how the mainstream stigmatizes and vilifies their practices, and that this is misguided. The authors were perfectly correct in saying this, in my opinion.
But my ex twisted the language of these portions of the text to prove to me that I'm likewise vilifying these practices by being uncomfortable with them. His point was that I had internalized the stigmas associated with them, and my reluctance was due to repression. He was there to liberate me. That was how he disguised his intents.
3. Posted by Hiromi on November 6, 2006
Don't people accuse porn of doing basically the same thing with boundaries and expectations of sexual behaviour?
Interesting, that.
Which obviously makes bloggers better, cause when are you ever gonna see a commercial porno that stops to explain that What You're About To See is scripted, paid for, and while it involves real human beings, lacks the veracity of a real human experience -- and, therefore, you shouldn't take it as a sexual norm or emulate its tendencies to pretend there are no boundaries?
(I don't intend to disparage sex workers here ... my apologies if I have given offense.)
4. Posted by Sara no H. on November 6, 2006
Excellent post! Thank you, now I don't have to write it. hehe.
On the one hand it brings to mind that we must all, as both readers and writers, be aware that everything on the net should be taken with a grain of salt. Just because something is written, doesn't make it true. Perhaps no where on the net is this more true than here in the blogworld. Sexual or otherwise. Perception is a big part of it.
For example, I enjoy movies. I really enjoy film, I watch a lot of them. I know a lot about the subject. if my blog was only about film, the perception would be that I am a film expert and that my life revolved around film. This is not true. A very small part of my life actually revolves around film. I also have many other interests, such as reading, bike riding, my family time, playing video games, my 12-14 hour a day job, my friends, politics, sports, travel... the list goes on. A blog about any one of those subjects doesn't mean that is all I think about, all I do, or all that I am. The same is true of "sexblogging" or Adultblogging.
Which is probably more reason than not that I try to write about many different subjects.
But I have written many things in the context of fiction or essays, that I am not at all interested in trying myself. Fundamentally to me the sex act itself is not as important as the emotional content behind it anyway, so perhaps that has more to do with it than anything.
Again, important discussion. As always, thought provoking. :)
5. Posted by ArtfulDodger on November 7, 2006
Hiromi: I am ALL FOR continually better blogs and better porn. Who wouldn't be? I'm not against the commodification of sex, if it's responsible and realistic. But one has to wonder if there was more openness about REAL sexuality; talking about it, seeing expressions of it, etc., if there would be need for such pervasive and unrealistic messaging. You get the sense it's still like those 12-year-old boys who wonder what it's about and grasp at any image, hoping it will teach them what's real and out there for them.
Good point about the sex books. My guess is if the book is indeed about a particular act, the authors probably assume anyone who *wasn't* into doing it probably wouldn't be reading the book. But that's not necessarily a good assumption. I suppose you can't spend the majority of a "how-to" book talking about how *not* to, but it ought to be given serious mention and not just as an aside. I tend to notice this kind of thing more evident in books designed for women (or for men about women) than in books written for both sexes.
And you know what? What if someone HAS absorbed a stigma? That doesn't mean they have to overcome it. It's a personal choice. If you've grown up being taught something is dirty and shameful and you can't get past it; just the thought of it makes you ill or afraid or unhappy, I say, why bother. Sure, maybe the feeling came from a bad influence. But it doesn't negate the feeling, and that feeling should be respected until such a time that person decides on his or her OWN that he/she wants to change his/her mind--if they ever do. There are lots of other things to do instead. And if your partner isn't cool with that, IMO, it's time to part ways.
Darkhawk: So good to see you. I think trying new things that your partner is interested in and you are fairly neutral about either way is not an issue; this kind of give and take is normal in a relationship. I'm speaking more of what happened in your described relationships--when one person wants something the other definitely doesn't. I think this imbalance is a sure recipe for eventual relationship failure. My rule is, if our sexual desires don't match well, it's not a relationship to be in. You can't always predict on the first date, but you can eventually tell these things, if you are both open and honest about sexual issues.
As to how to express oneself related to sexuality, it's *always* a challenge. There are very few words for the feelings illicited in sex. You're a smart, articulate woman--I think you have just as good a chance as anyone else of trying to get it across. I say don't worry so much if you get it RIGHT; just start writing and as you go along it will eventually get easier and start to come to you. We all start out awkward on our blogs. And many days, I still am. I think the value is not in how good the expression, but in the attempt and the honesty of it.
Sara no H: You know, maybe they should take your paragraph word-for-word and put it up just after that copyright warning thing they always put up. Let's start a campaign!
Art: Yes, I was trying to make it a "bloggers have a responsibilty to express, and readers have a responsibility to keep perspective in mind." We can't start out every post with a disclaimer. But we CAN squelch discussions and comments to us that imply that we embody some kind of perfection that others ought to reach.
6. Posted by Miss Syl on November 7, 2006
I really think you nailed some excellent points. I feel sometimes that people few sex as a linear progression, as if the extremeness of your sexual activity denotes some sort of marker on the Grand Scale of Sex. People strive towards a particular sex act not because of interest but because they feel they should be doing that to mark themselves as Sex God(dess). I see it a lot in blogs and I saw it a lot in fiction. You just said it far more eloquently than I was thinking.
7. Posted by Shon on November 10, 2006
This is a terrific piece; very important.
I relate to Darhawk; some consider me vanilla, some consider me kinky. I know I'm comfortably both/neither. Many years ago I began exploring some BDSM stuff within a relationship, and began identifying as someone to whom that was a priority. But (after the relationship ended) I was ultimately turned off by the 'scene'. I wasn't into it for kink's sake, and became uncomfortable with all the labeling. 'Vanilla' carries this stigma of being less than, or somehow shut down.
Well over a decade later, I'm seeing someone with whom the sexual communication is beautiful and balanced, and we are bringing, slowly, shades of BDSM into things. For me, I crave relationship, and what I am 'willing to try' ususally comes naturally out of that.
Also, there seems to be a volume thing, not dissimilar to what's happened in the media... people need sex and kink (I really don't care for that word) to be more and more and harder and faster and wilder and weirder. And all that can be great, but I also find it can be desensitizing. For me, I've learned to find a lot more pleasure in slowing it down. Spend half an hour gently kissing around my clit; that is more interesting to me than stringing me up from the ceiling (so to speak).
8. Posted by Roberta on November 11, 2006
Shon: Well put: "Grand Scale of Sex.' Yes, that's what bothers me. I think people can't envision that someone might, for instance, be into nipple clamps but not into giving a blow job. They have this idea of "progression" that simply doesn't exist. There is no sexual "continuum." It's not linear at all. It's um...buffet! Smorgasbord. Pick and choose the different acts that you want on your personal plate. And find a partner who has relatively simlar tastes to you, but can introduce you to some interesting new dishes from time to time, based on what they know you prefer.
Heh. It seems I can't go through a day without creating at least one metaphor.
Roberta: Thanks for your comments. Yes, I think it's all about finding a partner who can provide you balance, and that is happy to explore within a realm of comfort for both sides, but not pushy for things beyond that. I personally feel this is a pretty easy balance to maintain if you truly love and care about a person AND you have gotten familiar with their sexual preferences EARLY, so you know whether or not you are too incompatible before it is too late.
And you're right, "vanilla" is never used as a positive term. And yet, standard sexual repetoire can be perfectly lovely. I think the key is not so much in the acts performed as in the mixing it up so you never get too bored. Never make it like a routine.
9. Posted by Miss Syl on November 11, 2006
I'm so blogging this, Syl. Whether or not it's up to us to police our readers it's *certainly* up to us to remind the general public that the main difference between us and everybody else is that we're willing to discuss it.
Yes, benefits accrue to those willing to discuss sex (not least for the "if 30 people agree then maybe I'm not the only one who..." discoveries about just how normal we all really are.)
So thanks!
figleaf
10. Posted by figleaf on December 4, 2006
Figleaf: My pleasure. I'm always honored when a writer and thinker I respect likes something I wrote. Thanks for the compliment.
11. Posted by Miss Syl on December 4, 2006
Excellent, excellent post. I know I don't write about all the sex I have but write often about the sex I think about having.
It's weird - the sex I'm actually having is kinky in a different way, basically rendering it off-topic for my blog. It's very strange to be about to get it on and ponder whether or not to talk him into scratching your fetish itch just so you can blog about it.
Which is silly, because vanilla done right is a delicious thing. If you slow down and pay attention to the details it's a lot more complex a flavor than it looks.
And when did porn or sex blogs become something to be copied or measured up to rather than enjoyed? Damn. I mean, if you're not enjoying sex on its own merits - if you're thinking about whether or not you're as good as that sex blogger or as nas-tay as that porn star or whatever, your self-doubt is going to kill the moment for you. And they'll notice.
To put it crudely, sex bloggers fart during sex like everyone else does... it's not what we're doing anyway, it's how we're writing about it.
My partner's a lot more experienced than me, and I have my moments of wondering how I measure up. But the more I think about that the less I can think about how much fun I'm having in bed with him - and the more fun I'm having the more fun he's having. Sex is about pleasure, not ego.
12. Posted by Sabrina Morgan on December 4, 2006
Sabrina: Long time, girl. So glad to see you.
Thanks for the excellent comment. I agree wholeheartedly. It's crazy that people assume sex blogs are a reflection of day-to-day reality.
You said:
I know I don't write about all the sex I have but write often about the sex I think about having.
I think herein lies the problem--depsite bloggers implying otherwise, it seems it is still sometimes difficult for readers to differentiate between the blogger's reality and her fantasy. This is not necessarily the blogger's problem, if it's clear it's erotica rather than testimonial. But I just wish readers sometimes maintained a bit more perspective...and I guess we have a responsibility on some level to provide it for them from time to time. Maybe in comments, if they seem to be implying they can't differentiate? Hm.
As they use media to define many other "norms" (which is why advertising is so powerful), I do think that people tend to use porn and other erotic resources to gage what is "normal" sexually. For instance, look at the sudden rise in interest in anal sex over the last two decades. I think that is a direct correlation to changes in porn.
I think people often forget "normal" is whatever they enjoy and want to do.
Just in closing, I want to say I wish you would post more often on your blog. I love your writing. You're quite talented. And sexy, with brains. Nothing hotter.
13. Posted by Miss Syl on December 4, 2006
wow
you're my hero of the day and it's only 1:24am. nonetheless you are.
well said, i could not have attempted to say it any better myself. i particularly like the terms good-nervous and bad-nervous.
the only comment i would add is that you need to listen to yourself, boundaries change in fluid and unexpected ways as life shapes and changes you.
:)
[re porn, i think it's probably why so many women are bare down there these days ;>]
14. Posted by badinfluencegirl on December 6, 2006
This is really thoughtful writing, and very on the subject. While I see myself as an open-minded and confident person who adores great sex and being with the right person, putting up with other people's expectations just makes the whole experience uncomfortable or just undesirable.
I have boundaries, and get pissed when other people wont respect that. The belief is that a young spunky girl will do anything especially if it is forcefully or loudly stated. The only way to know where those boundaries are is to ride the fence sometimes and find what works (or not) but there is no need to bring down all the fences and freerange. Thank you for articulating my inner thoughts
15. Posted by The Secret Watcher on August 6, 2007