Today I had to pick an item or items off a list to purchase for people in need for the holidays. There were kids and adults on the list. A lot of people had already gone for the kids. The kids always clean up, and that's a good thing. But people forget the adults; those people trying to get their lives back on track after they've been so horrifically waylaid from, in most instances, their own childhoods onward. I've had only a small taste of that kind of recovery and that has been so hard. I can't imagine how hard it must be for people whose stories are even worse; who have no one and nothing to help them when they need support of every kind.

So I wanted to pick up something for an adult or adults. The adults had all named one "need" and one "dream gift."

What can you say when someone's dream is a coat? Or a pair of work boots? Or a "nice briefcase?"

You start telling stories to yourself, supposing: This one asked for a briefcase and women's dress clothing. She must be trying to get a job, and feels they won't hire her because she doesn't look the part. This one wants a power drill. He's probably trying to do freelance construction work to make money, and doesn't get hired as much because he doesn't have his own tools. This one wants a coat. How cold will she be this winter if I don't buy it for her?

How do you choose which of these people to buy for?

I tried comparison shopping to see if I could make the money I had available stretch across at least two, if not three, people. There was no way I could swing it. I've got people of my own I need to buy for. And this year my money is tighter than it was last year. And yet, and yet...

And yet I know I could do it. I could hurt for a little, and buy at least one more thing, even two. I think about the small nest-egg of savings I have sitting in my bank, that little bit of security I hang on to help keep me from becoming homeless myself for at least a little while if things went terribly, unpredictably wrong. I think about the ridiculously priced bottle of salon-only shampoo and conditioner I bought last month. Yeah, I bought it because it's the only one that keeps my scalp from getting irritiated. But I mean, fuck. I could have bought a low-end briefcase or something for someone with that money.

I guess the thing I'm saying is, I'm feeling guilty that I want to give, but I don't want to give till it hurts.

I know all the platitudes; you don't need to tell me. I know I can't and am not required to take care of the whole world. I know it's nice I've bought anything at all, that lots of people wouldn't even care. But I'm just putting out there that's how I'm feeling about it all today. And I'm hoping that woman I didn't buy the coat for somehow gets one from some other source. Sigh.

(If anyone's curious, I ended up choosing to buy a gift certificate to a particular women's clothing store for a woman who listed that in her "need" category.)