Sex Tips for Virgins (Part 1)
A very sweet anonymous commenter left this note on my last post a few days ago:
Anonymous said:
Hi, I've been a long time reader of your blog and you seem very smart and insightful. I am terribly embarrassed :: covers face in humiliation:: to even request that you blog about something but I am thinking about losing my virginity and I was wonder if either you could do a little something about your opinions or whatever or please offer any advice. I'm kinda nervous but mostly just need some reassurance. Could you help me out? :) Please?
First of all, Anonymous (I'll call you Anon to make it easier from here on out), thanks very much for reading and for thinking I seem smart and insightful. A very nice compliment. Second, there's absolutely no need to be embarrassed--every single one of us was where you're at at some point, and many still are. Third, It's a pleasure to have someone suggest a topic to me for a change--I wish more people would write in with questions! Plus, I haven't been writing a lot of sex-related posts lately, and I've been missing it a lot, but was lacking some inspiration. And now, here you are. So, thank you and I'm extra delighted to write a little something about it for you, and hopefully my commenters can weigh in with their ideas, too.
I should begin by pointing out that I have already written two posts related to virginity that you may be interested in. One is a post about my own first time, and the other is about the language used to discuss the concept of "virginity" and how I don't appreciate the terminology of loss and ruin affiliated with it ("losing her virginity," "defloration"). In fact, just the word VIRGIN seems so heavily fraught with said implications that I would prefer if we could move away from the term altogether. People are sexual beings from early in childhood. To hang all of the importance of sexual development on that one moment of penis-to-vagina coitus is just silly (not to mention entirely exclusionary for some sexually active people who don't DO penis-to-vagina coitus).
So, Anon, let's not call you a virgin, but a "sex newbie."
Now, I can't tell from your comment if you are a guy or a girl, what age you are, what your sexual orientation is, or if the partner you are planning on having sex with is also a virgin or not. Because of that my tips are going to have to be very general, and not focus on too many specific sexual tips. And also keep in mind that for every "rule" I might offer up here, there is always an exception. These are suggestions based on my own personal experience. If your experience differs, the "rules" for you may be different. But, to the best of my ability, here are what I think are a few things all sexual newbies should keep in mind.
1) Be SURE you're ready to have sex
You may be asking, "Yeah, but, how do I know if I'm totally sure?"
The answer is very simple. Ask yourself very bluntly, "Am I ready to have sex?" If your answer is anything other than an instant, "Yes!", with no other explanations or "becauses" added on, then you're not ready.
You may balk at that, but trust me on this one. If the answer is, "Well, I think so," you're not ready. If it's, "Yes, because it'll make my boyfriend/girlfriend so happy," you're not ready. It it's, "Yes, because at my age, people will think it's weird if I haven't had sex yet," you're not ready. If it's "Yes, because everyone else I know is already having sex, and I'm the only one who hasn't, and I'm a loser," you're not ready (and by the way, at least some percentage of "everyone else you know" is lying to cover up, trust me).
When you are ready to have sex, there will be no "becauses" after the "yes" other than "because I want to." When you are ready, you will know it with every inch of your being. You'll want it. Badly. I'm not saying you might not feel a little nervous about it, but it'll be the good, excited kind of nervous, not the bad, scared or worried kind of nervous.
If you don't feel that you want to do it with every inch of your being right now, I'd suggest you wait till you feel that way. You just need to have that "Yes! I want this more than anything!" feeling or it isn't going to be a great first experience. And trust me, I have a lot of friends who didn't have a great first experience because they pushed themselves ahead with it before feeling that "Yes!" feeling. And to a one, each has told me he/she wished he/she could go back now and re-do it. Whereas I waited a good long time till I felt that "Yes!" feeling (I was 20 when I first had full-on sex), but it was well worth the wait, because I enjoyed my first time thoroughly, and have no regrets about my first time at all. (And by the way, I'm not suggesting it's best to wait until you're any particular age--just make sure you wait until you are 100% certain you're ready, is all.)
2) Be realistic
The popular conception of one's first-time is that it supposedly "should" be this sacred love bond between two people. But conceptions are not necessarily realities. The real truth is that some people will arrive at that "Yes!" feeling as a result to having that kind of deep spiritual love connection with their partner. But some people's "Yes!" feeling will come from a surge of sheer lust--a physical need to fulfill a sexual drive. Either of those is entirely okay (so long as you don't try to fool your partner into thinking you feel something you don't, either way). And some may get to "Yes!" through an altogether different set of feelings than either of those. However, regardless of what got you to "Yes!", it's best to not build up your first time with SO much expectation that you are bound to be disappointed.
If romance, hearts, rose petals, and candles make your day, and you think it'll make your first time better, go on and have 'em. But my personal opinion is that that's the wrong primary focus. Just like everything else you try for the first time, things are not going to be perfect. Be ready for that. Don't focus so much on getting the "perfect" romantic setting that when it turns out you forgot to bring the candles, it kills your entire mood. Focus instead on the important basics: finding an environment where you feel safe and positive, where you can spend uninterrupted time, and you and your partner can communicate openly. That last one means you want somewhere where you won't have to whisper or stay silent because people are nearby and you don't want them to hear. Your first time needs to be a situation where you can openly communicate (and your lover can hear and respond to) how you're feeling and what feels good to you and what doesn't--and one where you can make lots of luscious, enthusiastic noise if the mood hits you, without feeling embarrassed about it.
3) Be open about your experience level with your partner
It's crucial that you let your partner know this is your first time having sex, and what you have and haven't done in bed so far. If your partner doesn't know your level of experience, he or she can't help make your first time a good one. He or she won't know where he/she has to slow down and explain, or where he/she needs to be more careful until you feel secure in what is going on. I can't stress this enough. For your own well-being, don't hide the fact that you're a virgin. Just explain this is new for you, and you may need some extra communication and teaching. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. And in fact, many, many people find it incredibly sexy to be someone's "first."
4) Choose your partner well
If I could rule the world, I would require all sex newbies to have their first time with someone who is experienced and certified (through an Sexual Aptitude Test) as having high scores as a sexual partner. The thought of two virgins trying to figure out how to have good first-time sex together seems sweet to me, but I'm guessing it probably doesn't make the best possible sexual experience you could have. Whereas, sleeping for the first time with someone who knows his/her stuff and who is a good, kind, patient, and passionate teacher can really be a benefit. But still, that's unrealistic. Some virgins are going to have sex with other virgins. Some are not. And even if you sleep with someone who's had 100 partners or more, that's no guarantee they'll be good in bed. So the key is, you want to maximize your chances you'll end up with a good partner for a first-time experience. With that in mind, here are some some early indicators to look for that may help predict who will be a good sexual partner when the time comes:
- He/she is good at kissing and foreplay. If you hate the way he/she kisses or touches your body before you even get naked with him/her, sex with him/her is going to suck. Find someone who it's a pleasure to make out with.
- You think he's/she's hot. No matter how nice the person is, if there's no physical attraction, it just ain't gonna be that good.
- You like him/her. Would you want to have a conversation with the person after you're done having sex? If not, don't have your first time with him/her. There is nothing more awkward or more of a let down than bad after-sex. And it'd be worse after a first-time experience.
- He/she likes you. Does the person treat you well? Are you certain the guy/girl is 100 percent into you in every way? Does he/she listen to what you're telling them? Do they respect your wishes about everyday things, as well as any early-on physical/sexual things? If the answer to any of these is "no" or only "kind of," this person won't be good in bed for you. And they might even be dangerous. Respect is KEY.
- You feel safe with the person--you know him/her well enough to trust him/her. During first-time sex you can feel very vulnerable; so the best sex will be with someone who you feel safe with--someone whose behavior and responses to you you can predict. You can't predict how a stranger is going to behave. Find someone you know and trust for your first time.
- He/she is a verbal communicator. If the person seems comfortable sharing his/her feelings with you, that is a good sign. If when he/she is getting physical with you, he/she is very verbally open about what feels good to him/her and what he/she would like more or less of, that's an even better sign. And if the person asks YOU if things feel good or what you'd like more or less of, this is the best sign of all. And if you get all three at once, you've hit the jackpot. This person will most likely be an ideal guide for a first sexual experience, because he/she will encourage open communication, will listen to your cues, and will teach YOU how to say what you want in bed, too, by his/her own good example.
Whew! That's all I have time for tonight. I have even more things to say, and will try to get a part two up as soon as I can, though I can't promise it'll be tomorrow.
But for the time being, readers--what do you think of the tips above? Agree? Disagree? Have more to add? Other suggestions for Anonymous? Please speak up!
And Anonymous, since Valentine's Day is coming up and I somehow suspect this might be your planned "moment of attack," I'll say to you that if I don't get to part two before then, and you know you have your "YES!" feeling good and ready to go...well, just relax, enjoy it, keep communication between yourself and your partner open, never be afraid to say (and be firm about) what you do and don't want. Also remember nothing is perfect when you do it the first time; the key is not to get it all right the first time, but to have a great time trying things out.
I hope this was useful to you. Good luck!
Comments (33)
Thank you! Thank you! I was so nervous you'd shoot me down or not respond that I didn't even think of giving information like that haha! Well if it helps for your possible pt. 2 at all, I'm 18 (almost 19), female, straight, and the guy I'm with isn't virgin. He hasn't been with hundreds, but certainly more than most people I know. And as for the requirements to fill, just to give you a taste, I HATED getting oral until this guy (no pun intended). :) Now...well...I'm sure you know how good it can be ;). I'm sure he'd be a good person for the first time. I have been thinking, more accurately--worrying, about this for quite some time. And honestly, Valentine's Day has nothing to do with it and I almost wish it weren't right now so it doesn't seem to him or anyone that I'm making my decision because of that--because I'm not. I think you're advice is great and it's definitely all things I have considered. I suppose I won't really know though until I do it! I think I'm painfully close to my "yes!" but I don't know if I'm 100% yet. More like 99.9%. Speaking of pain...that was a large concern of mine. I'm pretty sensitive and according to my boyfriend, very very tight. Is there anything I can to do improve this? I'm pretty sure that it will be factor. I'm expecting anything to be perfect by any means, but I would like to enjoy it as much as possible or at the very least be able to actually do it and not hate it!(heheh optimism isn't my thing if you haven't noticed) Thanks again!
1. Posted by Sex Newbie formerly known as "anonymous" on February 13, 2007
Personally I think you did as good of a job explaining things as I've ever seen, so kudos to you on that front. I would have to 100% agree with you on the core of your first point, which is to be SURE, without the buts and becauses. Honestly I wish I hadn't been in such a hurry to get it over with when I was younger. I don't regret my own decisions, just wish I had known more and been more confident so that I might have had a chance to make different ones. If that makes any sense at all.
To Sex Newbie I would only add the following, having now read your comment as well. I'm going to be honest here, and I am not trying to judge, or anything, just say what I think, my own opinion. Only you know the details and the truth of your relationship with this man. But the voice of experience says that red flags went up all over when you said "guy I'm with isn't virgin. He hasn't been with hundreds, but certainly more than most people I know." That statement worries me for many reasons, and again, I'm not trying to judge or anything, these may or may not be true in your specific case. But I am a man and I have known literally hundreds of men, so I do know something about the subject. You are a sexual newbie and he is experienced, automatically that can be a difficult position to be in for you. You are on the short end of the experience stick in that regard. Even if you are .005% unsure, I would wait a bit longer. Doing so will tell you several things about your intended, is he upset you want to wait? If so, that isn't a good sign, he should be understanding and compassionate. Or worse, does he get angry when you suggest waiting? Again, I don't pretend to know the details, so take everything I say and mix it with your own common sense. (Which happens to just be great advice in general.)
Listen to your heart and listen to your mind. Together. Whatever you choose, do so with your eyes open, prepared and confident. And good luck to you.
2. Posted by ArtfulDodger on February 13, 2007
Ms Syl....this is a masterpiece! How I wish I'd had your counsel before my first time!
3. Posted by TM on February 13, 2007
Very well said Syl! This should be printed up for the sex ed classes in schools (do they still have those?)
And Sex Newbie, Listen to what Artfuldodger said. It is very good advice as well!
4. Posted by Fusion on February 14, 2007
Hey Newbie,
This bit of advice may have been skipped because everybody already knows it off by heart, and I'm sure you're already covered, being a sensible and bright girl, but may I repeat it again?
For a multitude of reasons it's only good sense to use a condom. Get some from your chemist, supermarket, family planning clinic (they should hand them out free), all night garage, or buy online. Get a lot. Get good, reliable ones like Durex, not whisky flavoured glow in the dark novelties. Spermicidal lubricant can help too, both for extra protection and sensation.
I'll stop short of telling you to use two condoms at once, but please, if you listen to one piece of advice, use a condom.
Stay safe, and don't worry if the first doesn't live up to your expectations. These things take a lifetime of practise to perfect! My advice about knowing when it's right is: Can you have a really good laugh with the guy? If so, then I think that bodes well.
Have fun! : )
N
5. Posted by nikki on February 14, 2007
Great advice for the newbie. It was perfectly said, to be honest with you.
I lost my virginity much later than those around me. I was close to turning 23 years old. The years before, I walked around in an almost shame that I was still a virgin. Friends would pretty much whisper about sex around me because I was one. I may have been a virgin but I wasn't completely stupid about the idea of sex! I even had a high school boyfriend for two years and remained a virgin - needless to say, the guy was frustrated! He made me feel very guilty that I wasn't ready to have sex with him, putting time limits on our possible first time and making it seem too important. It was important, don't get me wrong - but he made me feel so low and guilty about NOT wanting to have sex, even though it was my personal choice. I stuck to my guns and always said no. I didn't want my first time to be surrounded by confusing feelings, I didn't want to be disappointed because I did not listen to myself. So I waited.
I had many opportunities to have sex, don't get me wrong. I just waited for the perfect time when I simply KNEW it was the right time. I didn't put great expectations in it. I didn't analyze it. I just met someone one day that I could comfortably say, "I am a virgin" and that was that. He was the one. There was no regrets. There was no pain, mentally or physically. He was patient and loving and he taught me a lot of things. It was well worth the wait.
Thanks for addressing this. I would have loved to read it years ago when I still a virgin!
6. Posted by Linda ("Elle") on February 15, 2007
hey guys, Me and my partner are about to "do it" and she has been with some other guys, so I know she is not expecting much. So I was wondering if any of you guys could give me some tips to maybe surprise her...THX
7. Posted by noname on February 21, 2007
Great advice, Syl...
If I could add one thing: It doesn't matter if you're 'technically' not a virgin (hymen loss through sport, for example), virginity is a state of mind. And if you can get with someone who makes it FUN, you're that much better off. Sex should be filled with laughter, and it's easier if your first time is fun and laughing.
8. Posted by Darkneuro on February 24, 2007
Ok, you can come back now.
9. Posted by ArtfulDodger on February 27, 2007
I'd say your advice was pretty spot on. Just to relay my experience:
I lost my virginity less than a month ago. My stipulations went like this (chronologically):
-not until I'm married (that was my Christian upbringing) nad the first time won't be under the influence of alcohol or drugs
-not unless I really love the person (that was the beginning of college... I still did everything but vaginal/anal intercourse. The alcohol and drugs thing still applied.
Finally, here was my set:
-I care for the person and trust them
-I'm safe and know I have protection
-neither of us is under the influence
AND it ended up being me with a beer in me, her with at least three drinks in her and SUPER horny, me caring for her but not loving her, and neither of us using protection. Granted, we knew she couldn't get pregnant, but I was going on he word that she had no STDs. I had been down there before, but we should all know that that's not an indicator.
ANYWAY, I'm glad I got it out of the way... finally... at 23. But I still kind of regretted it. It felt amazing because she knew what she was doing, but we all wish we could change things. I think your advice would serve a lot of people well. Just don't go to Mexico and get a hooker.
10. Posted by Rumble Knot on March 15, 2007
Rumble Knot: Thanks for sharing your experience.
I think one of the key things I haven't stressed enough yet is using protection. I meant to in part 2, but haven't gotten around to finishing it yet. Thanks to Nikki above for mentioning it. I can't advise that anyone should ever assume pregnancy or STD infection is impossible regardless of what their partner says. You gotta wear a condom. I don't want to focus too much on the fact that you didn't, but I hope in future you'll do so for your own protection, even with the same girl. It's important! Also, I suggest you and your partner get tested for STDs now, and before any new sexual partner you might have.
I don't think alcohol is evil or anything in a general sense, but in sexual situations it can often impair judgment and keep people from making clear decisions about what they want sexually, and about using protection. So I wouldn't recommend any partners who are new to each other (virgins or just new relationship) should be drunk when they begin a sexual relationship.
Don't beat yourself up if that wasn't the case your first time, but with new sexual partners in future, you may want to ensure that neither of you is drunk, just to be safe on both sides.
I'm sorry to hear on some level you feel regret around your first experience. What do you think could have made it less so? Do you still wish you could have had your first or second set of conditions?
11. Posted by Miss Syl on March 15, 2007
This is absolutely great and pretty much sums up my feelings. I'm seriously contemplating having sex for the first time and I was worried that it was somehow wrong because there is no real relationship involved. Just two people that are attracted to one another...then I read your blog and all the reasons you stated above for HAVING sex applied to me and I realized that there should be nothing shameful in my wanting to have sex simply because I want to have sex (sounds like a contradiction doesn't it) and NOT because I am in love, or want to please someone else. The fact that I'm considered an older "virgin" does play a part but to be honest it's mostly for my own gratification.
Thank you so much for this.
btw it says this is part 1 so where is part 2?
12. Posted by Maria on May 20, 2007
Thank you so much.
This was amazing advice.
I think people have sex for many different reasons but making it genral like that really helped me personally.
I have been discussing it with my boyfriend.
And actually just tonight had the sex talk with my mother to get birth control.
And I wasn't really questioning whether or not I was going to have sex, but now after reading this.
I am sure.
13. Posted by Jackie. on June 26, 2007
well my situation is almost the same as 'anonymous' and yet different.I am a virgin and he's not (well expirienced)when i read the part "choose your partner well"he fit the profile pefectly,he's probably one of the best things that has happened to me ,but there's one problem in this paradise,when i first met him, he told me he was single. but he confessed that he did have a girlfriend(ho's been away), few months later.we both want to have sex but and he's being patiant with me ,the problemm is my environment. you see everyone around me is forbiding shall i say .
i need your advice.
you're the best at it thanks!!
14. Posted by makda on July 25, 2007
I'll be very honest with everyone, I'm only 14 & my boyfriend is turning 15 really soon. It isn't that we are 'planning' to have sex but we both can sense it's coming up, we are sort of afraid to move bases, I really don't know what to do it's kinda scary, I'm a virgin and he is too, I'm his first girlfriend and he is my second. My first bf went with one of my friends but i didnt care, but when i found out they are almost 'having' sex I freaked. I mean we all are only 14 and really soon both guys turn 15, I mean, both she & I are very worried. We don't know what to do. I know my bf and I wont do anything wrong, yet, but I know and feel it in my heart he is the one, my true love, but sex is such a difficult topic to talk about, I don't know what to do. I need help, I just want to know when should I have sex with my Bf, when we both are older or at least responsible enough to take care of a baby??? I don't know, I'm confused I love him with all my heart, really i do. But the thing is that I'm lost and I have no idea what to say, all i want is to move base, as in more than just kissing & hugging, i want more. I feel so bad but i love it at the same time, I need help can anyone help???
15. Posted by Viridiana on October 26, 2007
Viridiana: Thanks for writing. I wrote a lot of stuff to answer you, so I made it a separate post. You can find my answer to you here.
xo,
Syl
16. Posted by Miss Syl on October 26, 2007
wow...this sight is intense. i came here to find out about what i should do about talking to my boyfriend about it being my first time. im kinda weirded out becasue you see, my bf is in the servise and i dont want him to expect something when he comes back, that he's not going to 100% neccesarily get...you know...what should i say to him...
17. Posted by LOST!!! on December 17, 2007
Lost:
I would tell him exactly that. I was in a similar situation recently where I thought a guy was expecting to have sex and once I was honest that I was into him I just didn't know if I would want to have sex because it would be my first time. He was totally understanding. Hopefully, your boyfriend will be react similarly, and if he gets upset and thinks he's "entitled" or something then you should probably think twice about being in that relationship. Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of and if people can't accept that you are you don't want to be someone like that.
18. Posted by Sex Newbie on December 17, 2007
hello everyone,
im also a virgin too and i'm most concerned about the "pain".
i know that i'm very, very tight down there, i'm still in high school like Viridiana, and even a medium sized tampon feels incredibly uncomfortable and sometimes even painful. i know with all my heart that i'm ready to have sex. im in a very passionate relationship with my boyfriend that i am totally head over heels with. He's also a virgin too and we've discussed it thoroughly and we both feel like we're ready, and we're really in tune with each other. a few of my friends have already had sexual intercourse, however that's not the reason that i feel that i'm ready. my friends that have already had sex say that the first time was very painful for them, and i know that im so much tighter than them. i really dont know what to do. please help! any tips for positions that might hurt less or any suggestions as to how i can "loosen up"?
19. Posted by Jen on December 18, 2007
hey guys!
ive already had sex before and i regret it a lot. my first time was when i was really drunk with some guy i couldn't even remember the name of. that was the first time i had ever had sexual intercourse. im ready to have sex with my boyfriend that i really love right now, but im not really develope on the "upper" part and i really dont want my boyfriend to take my top off. i know that my boobs will still grow and i know i cant avoid it forever, but i just need some time until i can feel comfortable in my own skin. i need your help and suggestions as to how i can avoid having to take off my bra. please dont tell me to just tell my boyfriend flat out. HELP!
20. Posted by Amelie on December 18, 2007
I, like most of the girls that have commented, am also a virgin. I'm almost 19 years old, and have been dating someone for around 2 weeks now. He is not a virgin. He's been with about 10 women (He's almost 22).
I've experienced only one kind of intercourse and that was masturbation.
However, in my past experiences, I've told myself that I am ready with this guy, or with that guy. But when the opportunity arose, I would shy away. So I guess I wasn't ready, after all. (So, thank you for explaining the "YES" factor)
But that's beside the point.
I know I haven't been dating this person for very long, but i've been having feelings lately that I can't seem to control. I've been having these wishful feelings about 2 months before I initially met the man i'm dating now. I've been over to his house a total of 3 times, and the last time, I spent the night. In the same bed. In just my undies.. not only because i'm more comfortable sleeping in my undies, but because I read somewhere else that one of the best ways to lead to comfortable sex is to feel comfortable around eachother in any possible way.
NOW. To my point.. (sorry for blabbing)
I KNOW I am ready. I am in lust with this guy. He treats me like I should be treated. I mean, c'mon, he makes me dinner! :D. He touches me just right. He kisses me just perfectly. He likes to talk to me and get to know me.
And every time i'm alone with him, which is almost always, I get these feelings.
The ONE thing i'm scared of the most is that its too soon. Not too soon for me. But too soon for US. I haven't known this guy very long, and vice versa, but from what I do know, everything seems just right.
I guess i'm just worried what people will think of me being "deflowered" by a guy that I haven't known for very long.
I guess that ultimately means i'm not ready if i'm having doubts, but I do know that I am ready in the other sense of the word.
What is your opinion, Ms Syl?
Please email me and let me know.
Thank you,
Jenny
21. Posted by Jenny on January 19, 2008
I am 25 and I'm still a 'sex newbie' (and no, I'm not ashamed of it). I also originally planned on waiting until I got married to give it up. However, I'm at the point where I want it....badly. I know the person I want to have sex with. I chose him because I trust him and I have a strong (very strong) sexual attraction to him. In addition to this, I like him. Don't get me wrong now. I may like him but, I'm not doing this expecting a relationship afterwards. If a relationship forms, great but, I really just want the experience. I'm 98% sure that I'm ready but, that 2% uncertainty gets to me because of my Christian upbringing.
Am I wrong for this??
22. Posted by Sex Newbie the 2nd on January 22, 2008
I'm in the exact spot as you, newbie 2, what with christian upbringing and wanting sex. I'm in a relationship now though, and it's with a guy who I'm absolutely crazy about. he's the first person I've met that I actually sincerely want to have sex with, not only for myself but for him as well. I think that christian teachings suggest avoiding premarital sex more to perhaps dodge some of the inhibitive downsides to promiscuity (stds, unwanted pregnancy, being physically/mentally used by a thoughtless partner, etc.) but if you've genuinely thought about sex, weighed the pros and cons, so on and so forth . . . isn't it true that 'everything is permissable'? so maybe your uncertainty isn't due to your faith alone? in addition though, I think that sex should be a mutual thing, not self-seeking . . . I know that lots of people have sex based on the fact that it's what they want to do and they'd like to get off and feel pleasure themselves. but mustn't one think of the partner as well? as another human, who also wants to be pleased? I think that the reason I feel sincerely about sex regarding my fella is more than wanting to have the experience (though I do). I also very sincerely want to please him! I want very much to make him happy and, in doing so, satisfy myself as well. I'm not trying to preach or anything, sorry if it sounds that way. I don't think you're being 'wrong,' I think you're a reasonable person with the same questions as the rest of us. hope this is helpful :)
23. Posted by newbie the third on January 22, 2008
Newbie the third:
Girl, I don't think you're preaching, lol. You're just giving your honest view. Trust me, I do agree that one should regard the partner as well to satisfy him/her. Thank you for your response.
24. Posted by Sex Newbie the 2nd on January 23, 2008
I loved ur articles and i love ur resposes, you are really helpful, I have a sex related question. My girlfriend want me to sleep with her for the first time, but she is still a virgin. i wanted some sex tips and i also wanted to ask how i can please her and make this special. I also wanted to know how much can i insert in her so that she will remain a virgin and can i give her pleasure if i do that.
Thank you very much
25. Posted by unknown on January 29, 2008
okay, so i was a pure christian girl until i started dating my new boyfriend(1 month). before i can tell you my problem, i have to fill you in, when was 12 i was interested in this older boy, well call him k, and so i started going to his races (he raced race cars, how cool huh?) and getting to know him better and my mom would drop us off at the movies and shop in the mall or something till it was time to come get me. we didnt kiss for an entire year cuz i wasnt ready. k's family and my family were best friends so they didnt think anything of leaving us alone, it had always been that way (like before my feelings went from 'brother' to 'boyfriend' no he's not my brother but a close family friend ive been raised around) i always knew it was wrong but i let him do it anyway, he fingered me and ate me out and i never actualy enjoyed it that much cuz it made me nervous, but i never touched him at all cuz i just wasnt realy into all that mess yet. so about two years later we broke up and i took a couple months off bieng intersted in boys cuz it was a hurtful break up. then later, boy number 2 came, well call him m, so after me and m dated for like 5 mnths, i told him a little about what happened to me with k, and he told me that that was oral sex! i cried my eyes out, a nieve and innocent 12 year old doesnt know that kind of stuff! so it was all down hill from there, i felt kinda dirty and used and i figured it was too late now so, what the hey, it doesnt matter now wat i do. so me and m got more physical but i always wore a purity ring on my finger as my pledge to jesus that id wait till marriage and m alway saw that i kept to it, i mean of course we messed around cuz once i got into puberty my thoughts about oral changed and i wanted it, duh-what teen doesnt, but he cared about me and respected me enough to say no if we were getting too close to me loosing my most precious gift. we dated for 13 mnths. after him cam b, i know hes into me but i have always had the suspicion that he was in it to see if he could get a virgin to crack cuz im 16 and hes 18, and its a very prestigous accomplishment for a guy to be a girls first. let me tell you realy quickly about b, he is a charmer, his eyes are the most beautuiful crystal blue that you have ever seen in your entire life and one look from those baby blues and you are hooked and that what happened, i was in his room ( which i know better than, i have been preached to over and over about not putting yourself in compromising situations, but i went against my values and went in with the lights off and the door locked with no one home-could i be any more STUPID!?) and i fell for it, so i dont feel like he respects me, i mean he treats me like GOLD but he didnt respect me enough to help me with the whole abstinence and will power thing. so now my virginity is gone to someone who may or may not be here in a few months when he goes to college and now he has the one thing that no one could take away and he got it from my one momentary lapse of judgement. he already says i love u, (can a teenager even be in love???) i mean when he looks at me i see nothing but adoration. but after the first time, he didnt say anythikgn like that was amazing or anything, all he said was, wow ur a fast learner, and the second time, when we finished, i rolled over to lay with him and he was like, r u ready to go downstairs im hungry!!!! i dont know wat to do, the sex is great he is realy experianced and always has a drawer full of condoms but i know m would be FURIOUS if he found out because he was in love with my innocence and purity and tried to keep me sheltered from things that would currupt my mind. i dont want back with him tho cuz hes on steroids and too possesive but i want b to care a little more cuz sex for me doesnt happen, making love does and i am a very emotional 'two people become one' person. i dont know what to do, do i tell him i dont think he thinks what we do is special??? or do i not say anything? do i stop putting out, then maby hell get the picture?? help, please!
26. Posted by confused on April 20, 2008
okay, so i was a pure christian girl until i started dating my new boyfriend(1 month). before i can tell you my problem, i have to fill you in, when was 12 i was interested in this older boy, well call him k, and so i started going to his races (he raced race cars, how cool huh?) and getting to know him better and my mom would drop us off at the movies and shop in the mall or something till it was time to come get me. we didnt kiss for an entire year cuz i wasnt ready. k's family and my family were best friends so they didnt think anything of leaving us alone, it had always been that way (like before my feelings went from 'brother' to 'boyfriend' no he's not my brother but a close family friend ive been raised around) i always knew it was wrong but i let him do it anyway, he fingered me and ate me out and i never actualy enjoyed it that much cuz it made me nervous, but i never touched him at all cuz i just wasnt realy into all that mess yet. so about two years later we broke up and i took a couple months off bieng intersted in boys cuz it was a hurtful break up. then later, boy number 2 came, well call him m, so after me and m dated for like 5 mnths, i told him a little about what happened to me with k, and he told me that that was oral sex! i cried my eyes out, a nieve and innocent 12 year old doesnt know that kind of stuff! so it was all down hill from there, i felt kinda dirty and used and i figured it was too late now so, what the hey, it doesnt matter now wat i do. so me and m got more physical but i always wore a purity ring on my finger as my pledge to jesus that id wait till marriage and m alway saw that i kept to it, i mean of course we messed around cuz once i got into puberty my thoughts about oral changed and i wanted it, duh-what teen doesnt, but he cared about me and respected me enough to say no if we were getting too close to me loosing my most precious gift. we dated for 13 mnths. after him cam b, i know hes into me but i have always had the suspicion that he was in it to see if he could get a virgin to crack cuz im 16 and hes 18, and its a very prestigous accomplishment for a guy to be a girls first. let me tell you realy quickly about b, he is a charmer, his eyes are the most beautuiful crystal blue that you have ever seen in your entire life and one look from those baby blues and you are hooked and that what happened, i was in his room ( which i know better than, i have been preached to over and over about not putting yourself in compromising situations, but i went against my values and went in with the lights off and the door locked with no one home-could i be any more STUPID!?) and i fell for it, so i dont feel like he respects me, i mean he treats me like GOLD but he didnt respect me enough to help me with the whole abstinence and will power thing. so now my virginity is gone to someone who may or may not be here in a few months when he goes to college and now he has the one thing that no one could take away and he got it from my one momentary lapse of judgement. he already says i love u, (can a teenager even be in love???) i mean when he looks at me i see nothing but adoration. but after the first time, he didnt say anythikgn like that was amazing or anything, all he said was, wow ur a fast learner, and the second time, when we finished, i rolled over to lay with him and he was like, r u ready to go downstairs im hungry!and the third time was in the backseat of his car!!this is rediculous!!! i dont know wat to do, the sex is great he is realy experianced and always has a drawer full of condoms but i know m would be FURIOUS if he found out because he was in love with my innocence and purity and tried to keep me sheltered from things that would currupt my mind. i dont want back with him tho cuz hes on steroids and too possesive but i want b to care a little more cuz sex for me doesnt happen, making love does and i am a very emotional 'two people become one' person. i dont know what to do, do i tell him i dont think he thinks what we do is special??? or do i not say anything? do i stop putting out, then maby hell get the picture?? help, please!
27. Posted by confused on April 20, 2008
k now i have another problem he wants to try all these crazy new positions, HELLO i know he's aware of the fact that hes my first, whats sixtynine?
28. Posted by confused on April 20, 2008
what exactly is an orgasm, what does he have to do to make me have one, so ill know what hes doin b4 it happens (yes im full of questions, lol, thats why my name is confused)
29. Posted by confused on April 20, 2008
i have another question, i know im not a virgin, but he goes n and it hurts a little but he hasnt popped me yet, or at least i dont think he has cuz all my friends said that they felt a small pinch,i havnt yet, what does that mean?
30. Posted by confused on April 20, 2008
hello
i am seeking advice. i have been dating my fiancee for over 4 years, middleschool sweethearts. we have tried a couple times to have sex, but it never seems to work. i have looked on websites for help before and have tried to make this as easy as possible. i tried to relax her, ive tried to make sure she is in the mood and everything. i have tried to help stretch her vagina by masturbating her but after just about 2 min or less she says she feels sore so she tells me to stop. i cant get my penis in, it is like trying to penetrate a brick wall. i love her to much to just shove it in there, i dont want her crying while we do it. when we try she asks "how do other girls do it" and ive asked my freinds for advice and they just tell me to tell her to just bite her lip and take it. but again i love her way to much to hurt her. i cant even get the head in. i feel like the couple in "forgeting sarha marshall" that are newleyweds. its not just me who wants this to work, she is frustrated to, but she is to embarrased to ask her freinds how they do it, so i need to ask peopel for her. could somebody please try and give me advice like ky jelly or anything, will anything lessen the pain or just make it slid easier?
thank you very much
tom c.
31. Posted by Tom on May 30, 2008
Tom:
First of all, I want to say good for you that you haven't listened to your friends who are saying your girlfriend should just put up with the pain and that you should just force yourself in. That kind of thing could be potentially damaging to your fiancee both physically and mentally. You're smarter than your friends, so pat yourself on the back for caring about the woman you love.
It certainly sounds like a frustrating and upsetting situation for both you and your fiancee. But there are solutions that can help. To find the best one, your fiancee first needs to go visit a trustworthy gynecologist (one that comes recommended by others is best). She needs to tell the doctor her problem, and get an examination to see what the issue might be. In some cases, some women's vaginal openings are very small, and too small to fit a regular-sized penis without significant pain. This is not an uncommon thing--it happens, and I know women it's happened to. I'm not sure if that is the case for your girlfriend or not, but a doctor can determine that. Once the doctor has a look, he or she can provide the best solution for your fiancee to help. In some cases, a simple surgical procedure can be performed to help with this (I know of some women who have had it). In other cases, it may not require surgery, and the doctor will be able to suggest methods that your fiancee can use to slowly work to stretch her opening in a careful and non-painful way, or if the doctor sees no medical issues, he or she can recommend ways to make intercourse easier, including lubricants, etc.
By the way, I'm assuming your fiancee is well into adulthood here. However, if you are both teenagers, it may be that her body is simply not developed fully enough yet and her opening will get larger as she gets older. Either way, a doctor will be able to tell her for sure and can give the best advice to help both of you move toward a satisfying and pain-free sex life. Good luck!
32. Posted by Miss Syl on May 30, 2008
K. I have a question. I had sex once with this guy i was in love with. But i broke up with him the day after because people say hes the guy whos only in it for the "cutty". And i love him i do. But i believe i broke up with him cause i was afraid he was going to "hit it n quit it" so i was NOT going to be remembered of my first time then getting dumped. Really my question is even tho im not a virgin im not sexually active and am a little inexpirenced. So could you give me some tips?Not advice but so for things i should be doing in bed.
Thank you much appreciated.
33. Posted by Anonymous on July 16, 2008