Sexeteria

That question DOES NOT deserve a well thought out answer. The first thing that popped into my mind was, "I don't join cults."

in response to 'why not?', there's always.. "what? And spoil my great sex life?"
(plus you can add, 'patriarchal institutions annoy me')

long time lurker, first time commenter.

even though i'm at an age where i should start expecting rude questions like this, i haven't been asked about marriage/kids outside of polite curiousity/getting to know you. i should say first that i'm one of those that refuses to ever marry, but i'd probably simply respond with "why would i be?". if they bring up my significant other of a few years and tries to be all "isn't it time to settle down?" i'll probably feign outrage and ask "why would i ever settle for anyone?" and basically continue on that line of turning every question back on them.

I'm going to go to a family reunion in July, and I know there's going to be awkward questions. My strategy is a slightly puzzled/surprised expression, followed by, "Why do you ask?"

Forgot to add:

I honestly don't think that those kinds of intrusive questions should be taken seriously. No, you don't have to snarl at the person or display bitterness, but I think you *should* indicate that the question is inappropriate, and the response I came up with was the gentlest way I could think of to do it. Why engage the questioner on a topic that's uncomfortable for you? That would be accomodating the questioner at your expense.

Hiromi hit on the gist of what I was going to say, it is proven that the best reply to a question of this type is always a question in return. I use this ALL the time in business and in social settings, if someone asks me anything that I am uncomfortable with I simply ask a question in return. Nicely. But it does something amazing, it makes them THINK about what they just asked, something they really hadn't done before. And that brings us to the next part, why do they ask?

Partly I think it is a natural response to the previous question. It just comes next. For example, "Have you ever had a pet?" You answer 'No' and then my next question is "Why not?" I'm not prying or anything, but I need to follow up and I'm not really even actually expecting much of an answer. As a good friend of mine told me years ago, we don't owe anyone a detailed explanation. Now, if answering the pet question is something that would make you uncomfortable, then simply say, "Why do you ask, is that important to you?" or something like that. Then they are the ones that need to think about it.

My 2 cents worth.

Hiromi hit on the gist of what I was going to say, it is proven that the best reply to a question of this type is always a question in return. I use this ALL the time in business and in social settings, if someone asks me anything that I am uncomfortable with I simply ask a question in return. Nicely. But it does something amazing, it makes them THINK about what they just asked, something they really hadn't done before. And that brings us to the next part, why do they ask?

Partly I think it is a natural response to the previous question. It just comes next. For example, "Have you ever had a pet?" You answer 'No' and then my next question is "Why not?" I'm not prying or anything, but I need to follow up and I'm not really even actually expecting much of an answer. As a good friend of mine told me years ago, we don't owe anyone a detailed explanation. Now, if answering the pet question is something that would make you uncomfortable, then simply say, "Why do you ask, is that important to you?" or something like that. Then they are the ones that need to think about it.

My 2 cents worth.

grrrr. excuse me I just blarted! Feel free to delete one of those. :)

For this question, which I've gotten a lot, I usually say something like "Why do you ask?" That usually deflects the question. I also have said a lot, "I'm too young to get married." I say that now, even at 33. Because I still think I'm too young to get married.

I like the other answer about giving up great sex. Who would want to do that?

About intrusive questions-- I think there are a couple of reasons people do this (when they have no real need to know the answers). It's an effort to slot you into their set of societal categories, and it's a lazy way to make conversation when they can't think of anything else to say.

The way people categorize and stereotype is very interesting to me. I recently went on a 'backpacker's tour' where as it turned out nearly everyone else was quite a bit younger than me. One thing I found really interesting is that this crowd (~20-25 years old) didn't yet have the urge to categorize people according to career. Making conversation with people my own age, almost always the first thing out of their mouths is "what do you do?", even before they ask your name. With this younger group, it was several days before I got asked that question.

I also get asked a lot whether I have kids-- another intrusive idle-conversation question. (I specifically don't want kids, never have, think the world is way overpopulated already, and think many people have kids for the wrong set of reasons. I actually kind of like discussing all this but have found it makes the questioner feel defensive, so unless I'm feeling energetic I just skip it).

I get asked that question all the time, by 1 of 2 types of people. First it's my relatives, who have known me either THEIR entire life or MY entire life. The other type is the 'I've never met you and I'm going to be nosy'.
My basic answer is simple: "I don't get married because I don't want to ever be divorced." Depending on how bitchy I want to be, it will be prefaced with 'It's really none of your busyness (and yes, I say BUSY-ness), but...' all the way to ending with (family explanation) "We as a clan typically don't have a good track record with marriage, and I really don't want to do what K (cousin) did, spend how much?? On a wedding and then get divorced less than 5 years later. So no. I'm not married, I don't want to be married (unless you have a very old millionaire I can have and kill when the will is rewritten in my favor), and I'd prefer not to discuss it at all."

Related to this line of discussion is the "how many children do you have" ....which I have none. I've gotten so many Happy Mothers Day's today I want to puke. My standard answer has become "I like other people's children because I can give them back when they cry or poo."

As for the married question....if I were single I'd just say "NOT FUCKING INTERESTED!" Well, maybe leave out the "fucking" for some questioners. Suffice it to say, if I had to do it all over again......I wouldn't.

So many are so clueless.

Most of the time, people who ask this question (along with its equally rude partner question, "Why don't you have kids?") are simply trying to make conversation. And yet I don't think that makes these questions innocent. It's precisely because these questions mark the category of what's "normal" or "expected" or "typical" that they're insidious. They define the unmarried/non-childed person as aberrrant in some way, as presenting a mystery that must be solved. The fact that we can ask such questions without really thinking what they mean suggests that they exemplify the way in which such social categories determine our world view.

I say "we" but I never do ask the "why not?" question, and I would hazard a guess that most of your other readers don't either. That's a compliment to you, my dear. :-)

Lurker unveiling.

When someone gets married, not only do they seem to forget immediately upon "I do" how it felt to be single in this coupled world, but now they're in the club. Part of the "norm" (and, I might add, even when said clubbers get divorced, there is still the arrogance of association - they might not be married anymore, but they WERE, so they're still considered bonafide).

It's like a country club with exclusive membership. Either you belong and are part of the elite, or you don't. It's because of this I sometimes wonder if the question of why (along with the why no children) is asked with malicious intent. By making the questionee feel excluded, it helps to allow the questioner to feel even more valid in their affiliation. In other words, it's not asked out of curiousity, but out of selfishness.

Admittedly, I take the cynical view. This isn't always the case and some people are really just curious. But, next time you're asked, try to judge how self-satisfied your questioner is with your discomfort.

Eve

Love your blog, by the way.

Asking someone why they are not married is as rude as asking a woman why she had a miscarriage or asking a handicapped person "Why can't you walk". It's none of their business! People need to learn that. And you get all these people who are like ... well, that wouldn't bother me if someone asked me that! Well, if we keep fishing, eventually you can think of a question that they wouldn't want to answer and then they would know how it feels.