My Self-Indulgent Post
I haven't written about sexual assault in a while. It's interesting how the need to process and/or talk about assault and being a survivor ebbs and flows. Sometimes you feel the need to be immersed in thinking and expressing about it--you feel a strong desire to exorcise it very aggressively and publicly. Sometimes, though, you go through a stage where you want to be quieter, both mentally and actually. Not silenced, never that, but perhaps you just want to live peaceably with it and only speak of it gently, in more personal, individual ways. You are calm, you are not angry, you don't want it as your primary thought. There are other things you'd like to spend time with--things that bring you pleasure and calm and maybe even peace, perhaps.
I've been going through one of those stages, and I've been allowing myself to enjoy and relax into it. This doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it or talking about it at all; I just haven't made it my main priority. It's taking it's place aside other things instead of in front of. It feels pretty good, I have to tell you.
I'm sure there will be many different times at which the way I express around it will change, and I'll indulge each of those as they come up, because I deserve to treat myself well in that way.
In fact, I will use this post today to proclaim this: from hereon out, I plan to spoil myself in every possible way. I am only going to think about myself and what I want and then I'll indulge myself with it. It's all about what I want. Whatever I don't want, even if others want it from me, I'm not going to do or give.*
I've spent a lifetime not knowing how to do this. I never had an opportunity to allow myself this, even as a child. Now I can. And I intend to treat myself with the fullest amount of compassion and indulgence that I can. And I'll look most fondly upon others who also want to treat me this way. I'm taking applications.
I'm tired of living with the coding that I only deserve/can expect so much--and of accepting treatment and a life that reflects that.
From now on, it's all about me and making me feel good.* I can afford this indulgence. Too bad it took me so long to realize.
Huh. This post wasn't supposed to be about this at all. But I think I'll just leave this one as is and write another later on with the original subject matter.
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*I have a feeling that some who read these lines will feel instinctively angry, annoyed, resentful, or will have some kind of internal response that goes something like, "That's not a nice way to be. That's so selfish/obnoxious/unrealisitc/not how it works." I know, because I've been there. Well, what you're thinking, it's not true. You just don't get it yet. The reverse of "It's all about me" is NOT "It's not about you." That's all I'll say about that.
Comments (6)
I'm just reading 'Emotional IQ' by Daniel Goleman, and there's a passage where he's talking about recovery processes and how one needs to explore and re-explore and re-explore events, eventually playing with them until they lose their charge. That's paraphrasing badly.
I find myself revisiting old wounds over and over, until I bore myself fucking silly. But Goleman's explanation cast some light on that - we tell and retell our stories (to ourselves if no-one else) until we make some sense of them.
And cheers to you spoiling yourself. Go wild. Did you ever notice the people that use words like 'selfish' and 'indulgent' in that mean-mouthed way are definitely not the people one wants to take any notice of? Have a ball, babe. x
1. Posted by Nikki on June 2, 2007
I am only going to think about myself and what I want and then I'll indulge myself with it. It's all about what I want. Whatever I don't want, even if others want it from me, I'm not going to do or give.
A-fucken-men, sistah.
In my case, I *thought* this was how I was living life. But in the case of my abusive marriage, I had somehow turned what other people want into what I want.
But being where you're at, knowing who you are and what you're about, then that's a great way to live.
2. Posted by Hiromi on June 2, 2007
Heinlein said it best. Budget luxuries first.
3. Posted by darkneuro on June 2, 2007
I suspect you will get a lot of support. Those who might get offended will likely not voice their opinion, it would serve so little purpose. I think we all must nurture a little self luxury and carry it around in our pockets like a little treasure. Good luck!
4. Posted by Ronan on June 4, 2007
I agree, self-indulgence is very important. I really think that to love others, to care for others, you have to love and care for yourself first. If you haven't figured out who you are and what you are, you aren't really offering the world your best self.
5. Posted by Fluffycat on June 4, 2007
Just random blog hopping and was pleasantly surprised to inadvertently come across this post.
Over a decade has passed, and for some reason, I'm dealing with the most rabid ebb/flow (which one means more of? damn!) on the topic in years. It's almost good to realize that this will happen, because it shocked the hell out of me to have it pop up like that. Best of luck and good on you for being selfish!
6. Posted by Anonymous on June 19, 2007