Nothing FITS
I've lost a significant amount of weight lately. The kind of amount that makes people widen their eyes in disbelief.
Anyway, it's hit a point where I had to acknowledge I couldn't go on hiding in my old clothing anymore, as it was getting to the point of clown-suit ridiculousness. Everything in my closet hung off me like loose elephant skin.
For those of you who have never been plus-sized and a woman, let me enlighten you: people generally don't go out of their way to make nice clothes for those of us who are. Your selection, if you have any sense of style and don't prefer mumus or "mother-of-the-bride"/retiree wear are very limited. When I was plus-sized, I shopped in pretty much exactly three places. They were all I had if I wanted to look halfway decent.
Now, I'm no longer plus-sized. This means that I can now shop pretty much anywhere. I can walk through any mall and enter pretty much any shop and try anything on. My choices are now limitless.
This should be a good thing, but all I seem to be able to find it to be is overwhelming. And unsatisfying.
I go in, sort through racks. And nothing looks interesting. Nothing feels like ME. Occasionally, I'll come across something that halfway pleases me. I'll try it on. I'll experience delight that it fits, and I'll feel good for a few minutes. I'll put it in the pile to buy. I'll build that pile up in an orgy of excitement that my body works with so many different kinds of clothes.
And then, slowly, I'll re-try on all the clothes I've laid aside one more time. And I'll reject each one. I'll realize it doesn't make my body look that good after all. Maybe it doesn't really fit, I tell myself. Maybe you'll look ridiculous, like a sausage trying to stuff itself into a skin. Or, that's not you, I'll say to myself. That's just the closest thing you can find to not boring that only sort of approximates you. You'll be sending out the wrong message. No one will get who you are.
And I reject item after item until I walk out of huge shopping centers completely and utterly empty handed.
Nothing, either actually or psychologically, seems to fit. Nothing is right. I have a world of selection open to me, and nothing is what I want. I'm looking for something, but I can't find it. And nothing I try feels good, feels right, feels like I can walk around with it and be ME.
And I am realizing now this phenomenon is becoming a larger metaphor for everything in my life right now.
I have to go back to my job today, after more than a week off. I am dreading it with all my being. Not because my job is so horrible. It's actually a good place to work, on paper. But it just doesn't FIT anymore.
Nothing fits. Not jobs, not lifestyle, not relationships, not friendships. I find myself screaming in my mind constantly, "I want OUT. I want OUT."
And yet, I have no idea OUT TO WHERE. I want to ball up my life like a piece of paper and start a fresh page. But I have no fucking idea what to put on that page, and I'm so afraid to mar it with bad prose that was the wrong choice that I feel paralyzed. I am walking around, the world a wide open market of choice, and I can't choose anything. I have no idea what fits. No one makes anything I want.
I hate this. I want something new. I want to understand what I want. And I don't. I just don't.
I want to move, I want to start. I want my new clothes. But I'm stuck.
The anger and frustration I feel right now, I can't even describe to you.
I want OUT.
I want OUT.
Comments (8)
I detest shopping. And I used to do what you do.
I cured it.
I made a list of what I really needed (jeans and tshirts, admittedly, but still). I went to the store, ONE store, and picked up everything. I refused to walk out without getting at least 1 pair of jeans and 1 tshirt. Rule #1: Shop with a vow and refuse to leave empty handed, even if it's a bland empty hand.
Then I saw the cute black halter top. I've never worn a cute black halter in my life. I have not gone without a bra in public since I was 11. I've worn the halter twice, gotten molested by Sic_un both times and gotten several looks out in public. Rule #2: Buy one impulse item once you complete Rule #1.
1. Posted by Darkneuro on August 28, 2007
I can really relate to this. Two posts of mine that you might be interested in: this one is about how I felt after I lost the weight. And this one is about buying a new wardrobe.
It's about so much more than just weight - it's about identity and how you see yourself and how other people respond to you and how you respond to them and to yourself. I've lost some friends because I've become more assertive about who I am and I am no longer the "side-kick, insecure chubby friend." Power dynamics change. Behaviour changes. I've changed - not just on the outside.
Best of luck to you - I'm rooting for you, sister.
2. Posted by savia on August 28, 2007
Shopping is work. I never understood people who like shopping. For me, mall fatigue sets in in about an hour. Trying on clothes is exhausting, and the results frequently demoralizing. I wish there was a Hiromi Store that has all the clothes I want and all the food I like so I don't have to hunt for all those things.
Re: your feeling of being stuck -- one of my sisters is going through something similar. Her job is fine, her life is fine, but she feels deeply unsatisfied. She's thinking of a career switch or a move, but those are pretty serious undertakings, so it's hard to just suddenly change directions.
That probably wasn't very helpful. But I do have my pom-poms handy if you need a cheer, though.
3. Posted by Hiromi on August 29, 2007
I've never really had luck finding stuff that felt like it was 'me' in mall stores. (Beyond, like, 'I need some slacks for work, I can get those at the anchor at the mall' level of generoclothing.) Lately all the stuff I've bought clothingwise has been from funky import shops ...
4. Posted by Dw3t-Hthr on August 29, 2007
Oh, I hear you. I know that feeling so, so well. I think it's called a bardo when the buddhists talk about it. Kind of angry, tetchy, restless, feel like you're chasing your own tail and stuck in the waiting room? I think the solution might actually be to sit tight and wait for a signal. Or until something changes, cause that's the one thing you can be sure will happen, whether its inner or outer.
And click, I just thought of another thing that I always forget. When I get all wriggly and fighty and pissedy off, and don't really understand why, it quite often means I'm in teh pre-writing stage. Something's about to be birthed.
As far as shopping goes, I'm iwth the others. Yeuch. My solution is to only ever buy clothes from the local charity shop (which means I quite often end up in what boyf calls 'special needs outfits'), but I find some odd comfort in wearing other people's clothes. Superstitious comfort, perhaps, but at least it's cheap.
Good luck with it all, Syl.
5. Posted by nikki on August 29, 2007
Hello. I Loved this post. especially the end. I feel the same way, all the time.
6. Posted by Anonymous on August 29, 2007
As for the nothing fits in your life and I want to run screaming from it all; that sucks and I feel your pain. Sincerely.
But back to shopping. Try enlisting a friend to shop with you, to coach you. It is a very hard transition, going from plus to non-plussed. Sometimes you feel like a fake (which is our inner nutsiness). But you also have good reason to not be quite sure what looks best on you, what looks like a 'new you'. The idea of a 'new you' can also feel like a betrayal to the perfectly fine 'old you'. Have someone shop with you, and get you to try some things you hadn't thought of, and confirm that no, you should not be wearing one of those. Ever.
7. Posted by Roberta on August 30, 2007
Ooooh. I know exactly this feeling. I currently feel like Ken Norton at the End of Fight Club watching the buildings fall. chin up
8. Posted by ben on November 5, 2007