Sexeteria

Hi Viridiana,

I want to congratulate you on asking some very important questions everyone needs to ask as they experiment with physical intimacy. I'm glad you're thinking about these things and taking them seriously. Here are some thoughts I had after reading your post. (I had a lot of thoughts, so I'm going to stick them into categories.)

Also, as an aside, I wanted to mention that I took off the link you left to your MySpace page. I did this only because you are underage, and this is a blog that contains adult topics and is read by adults. Since I don't know most of my readers and can't control who contacts you through here, I felt it was a good idea to deactivate the link for your own protection.

Okay, so here we go...

On making your own decisions
To start off, you've asked me directly what you should do, and I can't tell you that. Not because I don't want to, but because no one can answer that but you. That's a choice you have to make for yourself, after gathering as much information as you can. But I'm glad you want to gather information--it shows you're a smart girl. So while I can't tell you what to do, what I CAN do is give you some impressions I got from reading your comments. Keep in mind as you read this that I'm not a professional cousellor--this is only my take on things; many other people may have different views. Look farther down in the post and I will give you a link to some web resources where you can do more reading and gather more information and make your own decisions. I emphasize this phrase because it is so important. It is incredibly important that the choice you make about what you want to do with your body is yours and yours alone--not even your boyfriend's wants matter in this capacity. It's what YOU want. Only you can say what you want to do with your body (and conversely, only your boyfriend can say what he wants to do with his--you can't make his decisions for him).

What you're feeling is perfectly fine
First off, you wrote "I feel so bad but i love it at the same time." I want to tell you that it's a perfectly fine, natural, human feeling to enjoy physical contact with someone you care for. There's nothing to feel bad about around that at all.

It's also important to note that just because someone feels good physically, it doesn't always mean she's feeling as comfortable mentally about the situation, or comfortable with what she wants to do about it. It sounds to me like you are feeling much more uncertain in your thoughts than in your body, and that, too, is very natural and normal, and nothing to be ashamed of.

On being sure about what you want
I say in my post if you're not ONE HUNDRED PERCENT sure you want to have sex yet, it's not time to have sex. To be frank, your comments sound to me like you're definitely not 100% sure, so I personally would not recommend having sex yet. And it sounds like you feel that way about it, too. However, just because you're not ready to have sex doesn't mean you can't enjoy being physical with your boyfriend if you want to. More on that in a little bit.

What other people are doing doesn't matter...and it probably isn't true, anyway
First, though, I noticed you mentioned you say you freaked out when you heard other people you know are "almost having sex." One of the most important things I think I've ever learned in life is:

1) You can NEVER tell if what you are told about another person's relationship is true (unless you were standing there and saw it happen--and even then sometimes you can't tell what's *really* going on)

And

2) NEVER compare your life to others and make decisions or feel badly or freaked about your own life based on what other people are doing.

For many reasons, people aren't always honest about what goes on in their relationships. You'll never be able to tell if what they're SAYING is really what's happening. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say they are perfectly, blissfully happy in a relationship, only to see them break up a week later and find out everthing was not great at ALL. Or how many times I've heard that people had sex or were doing something sexual together, when it turns out they really didn't. Or how many times I've heard from people that they were really comfortable having sex with a particular person, when later they admitted they really weren't.

Why does this happen so often? Well, lots of reasons. Sometimes people think they're being honest but are lying to themselves, to make themselves feel better, and they don't even know they're doing it. Sometimes people make up stories to impress people. The point is: never think what you're told represents the reality. And more importantly, even IF that is the reality, never think someone else's actions say anything about what you have to do or not do. You are your own independent person. There's no need for comparisons, about sex or anything else. That other person can make his/her own choices. Those choices have absolutely nothing to do with you, so don't even think about that. And anyone ELSE who tries to convince you they do ("Well, Sarah and Carlos are doing it...so it's no big deal for us to do it.") is sadly misguided and does not have your best interests in mind. You can never really tell what's going on with anyone except yourself--and what's going on with YOU is all that matters.

There's no "right age" to have sex, to expect someone to have sex, or to expect someone will want to have sex
Also, I'm not sure about this one, but it sort of sounds like when you said your boyfriend and your friend's boyfriends are going to be 15 soon, you seem to be thinking that that new age means something. It sounds like you think at 15, the guy has a "right" to expect more. He doesn't. Neither does the girl, for that matter. There are no "expectations" around sex, related to age or anything else. When you are 20, 30, 40, 50 (even 70!) and when your partner is any of those ages, you may or may not feel like you want to or are ready to have sex with someone who wants to--at any age, that choice is okay. Not to mention that particularly at your ages, 14 and 15, you are pretty much below the legal age of consent in almost every US state, so there's certainly nothing out there saying 15 is THE age to start having sex.

If it makes you feel any better, I write a sex blog, and love sex and physical intimacy a lot, and yet I didn't have sex--by my own choice--until I was 20. That's just when I knew I felt ready. Before that I didn't. I know guys who didn't have sex until they were older than that, even. I'm not saying that's the right age, either, though. There is no right age, only what's right for you.

About being "afraid to move bases"
I notice you say both you and your boyfriend are virgins and are "sort of afraid to move bases." Whenever someone uses the word "afraid" to do something, that puts some BIG questions in my mind. If you both are afraid to do it, why do you think you need to? What kind of afraid is it? Is it you want to move forward, but are afraid to do so because you don't have enough information? (In which case, you guys need to do some reading to get the information.) Or is it afraid to do so because you are both are enjoying yourselves where you are right now, and just don't feel ready to move forward--but feel somehow you "should" be moving forward by this point, because others are, or because of your age, or for whatever reason? (Because there's nothing wrong with staying where you are, if you're both happy with where you are right now. ARE you both happy with were you are right now?)

These are VERY important questions to answer. And they can't be answered without both of you having a really up-front conversation with each other about what you're feeling and what you're looking for at this point in time.

It's so important to communicate! You need to talk about it, even if you're scared. Communication is the only thing that takes away fear and the only thing that will make physical intimacy good
It sounds to me, though, like you haven't had any discussion at all. You say "sex is such a difficult topic to talk about." I understand what you mean--it can feel weird to bring up--especially if you haven't had a lot of open, honest discussion about sex in your upbringing. But I can't stress enough that talking about sex with your partner is more important, and will bring you closer together as a couple, than even actually HAVING sex with your partner.

I know that sounds unbelievable, but take it from someone who knows, this is absolutely true. If you don't talk about sex and related physically intimate acts before you do them, and find out what you both feel and want, there are going to be some serious misunderstandings when physical stuff happens that could really hurt the relationship or your feelings about each other.

So my advice is get it out there. You said you love your boyfriend. I'll assume that means you also respect him. If he also loves and respects you, you'll both want to help each other feel comfortable within your relationship. Just be as honest as you can with your boyfriend. Say right out, "Look, I'm a little uncomfortable talking about this--I never have before--but it's really been on my mind a lot and I think we need to talk about it. I need to hear what you're thinking and I want to tell you what I've been thinking. I'm feeling nervous about how you'll take it, though, so I hope you'll be okay with it and we can talk it out till we both feel comfortable." Basically, just share however you're actually feeling at that time. That's a good way to break the ice--just be honest. If your boyfriend truly does love you and care about what you're feeling and what you want, he'll listen and take it seriously, and also give you his feedback about how he's feeling. If he doesn't: well, girl, then you know you're not with the right preson to have sex with. No one is a worse partner--and even more so a worse first sexual partner--than a guy who doesn't care about your feelings or your needs.

Talking about sex gets easier the more you do it (plus some starter tips)
Trust me, once you start talking to partners about sex, it gets easier and easier each time you do it. If you need some help getting started, I think it sounds to me right now like you need to ask some really basic questions. Here are some suggestions (use only those that work, depending on how the discussion goes):

How are you feeling about where we are right now physically? Also explain to him how you are feeling about it right now, too.

Are you feeling happy with where we are right now? Also explain your own answer to this question.

Do you ever think about doing other stuff, beyond what we're doing? If so, like what? Also explain your own answer to this question.

Do you feel like you're ready for that now or is that something you just like to think about, but not something you feel like you want to do yet? Also explain your own answer to this question.

I've been feeling kind of nervous, because I have been thinking about doing other things, but I'm not sure where to go next. Would you be cool with reading up on and talking about some stuff with me and us deciding together what we want to do, if anything at all?" Also explain your own answer to this question.

There's a lot you can do besides have sex
There are a whole lot of nice, pleasurable things people can do together, without having oral, anal, or vaginal sex. There is kissing (as you know), caressing, touching various parts of each other's bodies (with or without clothes on), and/or stimulating various parts of each other's bodies with your hands, feet, or other non-genital body parts (with or without clothes on). There is dry humping (body rubbing) with clothes on. There is stimulating each of your own bodies by yourselves, for your partner's viewing pleasure. There is even phone and IM "sex."

Some of these are pretty advanced things and you may not be ready for them. The point is that there's a whole range of really satisfying, pleasurable choices for things you can do if you want a little (or a lot) more than kissing but don't want to have oral or penetrative sex. And yes, lots of sexually active people engage in all these activities, too. They're not "lame" or "immature" things people use only when they're not doing "the real thing." They are integral parts of a full, adult sexuality, and grown up sexually active people use them all the time.

Read a lot and figure out what you want
The key thing is, that even if you don't want to do much more than kissing, you've got to communicate that and find out what you both want, and if it's compatible. You've got to come to an agreement about what you want. And you've got to get educated about what your options are and agree on them BEFORE you go into the bedroom (or on the couch, or wherever).

Do a lot of reading about sex and sexuality (start with the link I listed above--it has a whole bunch of teen sexuality resources). Then figure out what what actions you are and aren't interested in and/or comfortable with trying at this time, set your limits together, and respect and stick to them. Make an agreement that once those limits are set, if one or the other of you is thinking they might want to change the limits, that the subject can not be brought up DURING an intimate moment. Instead, agree to discuss it at a time when you're not being physical with each other, so neither of you feels under pressure or makes a decision without thinking about it first.

"Should we wait until we are responsible enough to take care of a baby?"
One last thing: You asked if you should wait until both of you are both responsible enough to be parents. My answer to that is that you need to at least wait until you are both responsible enough to understand what precautions to take in order to NOT become parents--AND, equally importantly, what precautions to take to not get sick with a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD). Remember, it's not just about babies! Never forget there are risk factors for STDs during sex! There are ways to protect yourself from both getting pregnant and from getting an STD, and there's a lot of information out there on them. Make sure you read up a lot on these, way, WAY before you decide to have any kind of sexual contact, whether oral, anal, or vaginal, so when the time comes you know how to protect yourself. It doesn't matter if you're both virgins--the chances are lower, but you can still in some cases both contract STDs even if you're technical virgins, and you can still get pregnant even if you haven't had full-blown, penetrative sex. You both need to know all of this now, early, before you make any more decisions, so you are fully protected no matter what you decide do. Nothing is worse than having the feeling of, "If I'd only known..." after the fact.

Once again, it's fabulous you're asking these questions. Now, go empower yourself to get as much information to answer them as you can. The more you know, the more options you have to choose from, and the less likely you'll make a choice you'll be unhappy with later. So go read up on stuff some more, girlfriend--mine is not the only opinion out there! And there's a lot more detailed information out there than I'm able to give in one post.

Chill...there's no need to rush or feel freaked. Take as much time as you need. It's fine. You don't have to decide everything today.
I hope this has helped a little bit to get you started thinking of this. The main thing is, stay calm, take your time figuring it out. You have LOTS of time to read up and think and discuss and decide. There's no rush at all. At your age, you have years and years of happy sexuality in front of you, so there's no need to jump the gun.

Doing anything before you feel fully comfortable and ready and educated on it would be like trying to win a gold medal for the olympics before you do any training in the sport--if you don't learn all about it first, and then slowly train yourself up, you're gonna lose at your goal. But with education, and slow, careful, training, you'll be pleased with the outcome and feel like you won the sexuality gold medal!

And by the way, even after you read up on stuff and know a lot, there's still nothing wrong with keeping it just where you are right now, at just the kissing level, if that's what you're happy and comfortable with. That's just fine. Knowing about something doesn't mean you have to actually do that thing.

One additional thing: A reader of this post felt it was important to mention taking into consideration a teen's parents' views about teenage sexual activity. I still believe that the choice as to what to do with one's own body and sexuality belongs to that person and that person alone, and no one else. However, if you have parents who can be open to a frank discussion about sex, it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to them, or to another adult in your life who you trust, to get more opinions and perspectives on the situation. Remember, I don't know you, but they do, and they may be able to give you feedback based on knowing you that I wouldn't be able to. And I also highly recommend signing up for a sex ed class if your school gives one as an elective, and you have permission to do so. I did that when I was your age, and it was really cool and interesting and fun, and it was also a huge help in terms of getting questions like this answered by an adult in the know, who wasn't embarassed to talk about these things.