Ever have one of these days?
Today all I wish is that I could take my entire life to date and just crumple it up and toss away over my shoulder like a piece of paper.
I'm angry at everything. I'm angry at the influences that fucked with my brain and bent it into its current shape. I'm angry that I let my brain be fucked with. I'm angry that because of it all I now have no. fucking. clue. about. anything. Including my own self.
I'm angry that I gave up myself that fucking easily and let it disappear so completely that I don't even remember what it is anymore.
And I'm angry that I'm thinking all of this. That I'm back here for another visit. I'm angry that I can't think positive all the time.
Comments (6)
I know the feeling. Vent as often as you feel the need. I love reading what you write.
1. Posted by Blissfully Wed on November 20, 2007
Blissfully Wed: Thanks very much. Unfortunately, I can't read your writing, because it's invite only. But I would if I could. :)
2. Posted by Miss Syl on November 20, 2007
Like B.W. said, it's always a pleasure to see you here, happy or angry or whatever. We like you as you are, you know?
The opening line to this post is a great one, btw. Very evocative.
I'm angry that I can't think positive all the time.
Yeah, internal roadblocks are maddening. These days, I'm angry that I'm not yet free of fear. I'm so worried about what people think, and worried that I won't measure up. I wish I were fearless in a quietly confident, serene way.
3. Posted by Hiromi on November 20, 2007
I kick myself regularly because I can't think positive all the time. Which is, in and of itself, not thinking positive.
Yes. It is Teh Suck.
4. Posted by Darkneuro on November 20, 2007
Hiromi - 'I wish I were fearless in a quietly confident, serene way.' - oh how I wish that I was too!
And Syl, dearest, yes. On Days Like Those, I like to listen to The Cramps or PJ Harvey, something nicely vicious. And break things. Roar.
5. Posted by Nikki on November 21, 2007
I'll have what Nikki's having.
I think it's impossible to be positive all the time. Even the eternal optimists have moments where they go into a closet to be "non-positive."
Could it be that "positiveness" is something like a bank account? We have to make occasional deposits of positiveness into the account, which manifests itself as negative or non-positive behavior?
I spend my copious free time wondering these things.
6. Posted by Sean on November 21, 2007