Sexeteria

So many things have happened in the last little while. I'm in a weird place. In the past eight week or so, I:

Lost my job, got really sick with a stubborn virus that still has some lingering effects, had to deal with some worrisome medical issues (unrelated to the stubborn virus), had an expensive laptop powercord burn out and needed to purchase a new one, had to sort out what to do about medical coverage, figure out what the hell I was going to do with my 401k, sign up for unemployment, run around to get all outstanding medical appointments taken care of before I ran out of comprehensive medical coverage...

(pause for deep breath)

...then woke up to find my computer had died, completely toasted hard drive, requiring an expensive repair, with money I don't have right now, also requiring shipping out to remote location and a wait for its return. All of this, of course, hindering my ability to actually LOOK for a job.

Where am I now?

A lot poorer for all of the above. Still without work (anyone know of any freelance writing gigs I can take on?), and beginning to worry about what I'm going to do to pay the rent in another month. The computer has been returned with a new hard drive and all my data gone, and I'm trying (for days now) to replicate all my lost stuff from a backup, with the help of a generous and ridiculously patient friend who I owe, like,...[insert something that's beyond-sexual-favors-good] at this point. So far, the worrisome medical issues seem to have un-worriesomed themselves. I'm waiting on one more result, and then it will be deemed I'm fine. I'm still wrestling with my insurance company and former employer to get it officially recognized I paid for my COBRA, even though my check for hundreds of dollars was written BEFORE the cancellation date and has since been cashed. Listening to stuff like, "Don't worry about it, you're covered, you just may have to pay for your own bills for a while and then resubmit them once it goes through." And thinking about screaming into the phone, "How do you expect me to cover medical bills when I've just spent all the money I *could* have used to cover them on your fucking COBRA payment so I wouldn't *have* to do that?" And experiencing a lot of really frustrating job-hunting cock-teasing...a number of employers telling me, "We love you! We want to hire you/interview you/etc. immediately! Don't go to anyone else!" And then just...disappearing. And ignoring my follow-ups.

So. That's why I haven't been writing. That, and I just haven't had anything I've wanted to say that seemed worthwhile. That, and I'm guessing that by this point, except for a faithful friend or two, no one's even reading me anymore, anyway. Is anyone still checking this site? That, and I don't know if it's just time to end the blog and focus on other life projects now.

Anyway, despite all of this, I am strangely okay most days. Well, I mean...

I *am* scared. Scared that I won't find work, and that my money will run out. Scared that I WILL find work, and it will be something horrible that I'll feel obligated to take, because I have nothing else and my savings are slowly disappearing and my credit card debt is increasing. Scared about the fact that I don't even want to DO the kind of work I've become an expert in and not even sure what else I'd rather do, so just applying to the same old shit. Scared every time I make a trip to the supermarket. Scared each time I go out with friends and have to pay for something. Alternately scared that I will become a hermit and not go out with friends because I'm worried about money and will fall into a depression like I did the last time I was laid off.

And I'm pissed off at having been laid off, in some general way. It happens, it's nothing to be ashamed of, it was probably unavoidable given the company's situation, and in truth I was tired of the place, anyway. But nonetheless, it hurts the pride that this is the return I get after many years of faithful service and excellent, hard work.

So you know, all that is there in the background. And some days are better than others. But...it's not all bad.

I don't miss the job at all. Not at all. And people have been incredibly kind and generous. Friends and family and even relative strangers have been incredibly kind, treating me to dinners and drinks and such when we go out, and offering to loan me things until I can afford them. When I've desperately needed help sorting out certain situations when I was under the gun, administrative people at different places who could have been hardasses have gone the extra mile to help me out, just because they had compassion for my situation. Acquaintances have offered me contacts to reach out to that may be able to help me professionally.

So strangely, these things keep me okay more than not okay, most days. In the past, I would have focused on the top stuff most, and kept thinking about how the world sucks, and how people suck. Each frustration would have confirmed it for me, and I would have blown them up into high focus, and minimized the small, good things that happen every day. But I've changed, it seems. I seem better able to keep my mind focused on these positive things, or at least to keep the two balanced against each other. I'm trying hard not to fall back into the old patterns. Because keeping it in balance feels much, much better.

Still, I'll state for the record:

I'd like to win, inherit, or be given some no-conditions money. Something. Something to keep me safe during this period of unsettlement.