You might not guess it from my sarcastic rants about pubes and my dark, broody blog colors, but deep down I'm a serious romantic. I want to be in love as much as the next girl, you see. I just want my love without any damn cliches. Whisper sweet nothings...just make 'em yours--not something you heard on TV. And sure, bring on the candy and flowers. But, y'know, make 'em Vosages's curry-powder-coconut milk-chocolate bars and black irises instead of a Whitman's sampler and a dozen red roses. (Okay, I might accept the Whitman's sampler--I have a soft spot from childhood for cheesy drugstore chocolates. But I draw the line at red roses. Cliched AND too stinky. Bleah.)

ANYWAY....

I feel much the same way about romantic films. I'm a sucker for them...but again, I want 'em without the standard cliches. I don't want clean and pretty and perfect through-and-through, where everything's just as you would expect, and you can almost say the lines before you've even heard them. I want to see love on screen like it is in real life--all weird and lovely and awkward and fierce and hot and shy and yearny and consumate-y and happy and angsty and smart and dumb and funny and tragic and lions and tigers and bears oh MY.

In short, I love love stories about misfits in love. Maladjusted souls that find each other and hang on for the ride for as long and as best as they can. What can I say? I relate.

And really, can't we all?

Thing is, they don't make a lot of good films like this. I've recently run dry of ideas--and I really need more. I need more love inspiration brought into my misfit life. So here, I'm going to give you my top five misfit love films. And then I'll ask you to help me supplement my library with your suggestions. And that way, we all get to rent and watch something cool over the holiday weekend.

Ready?

Have you ever watched a rough cut of a daily from a film, before they've done any editing? Now that DVDs allow movie companies to package tons of special features along with the film, most people have gotten a glimpse of these preliminary versions of a film being shot. And as you watch them, as the camera focuses in on whatever main character or characters are on the screen, it feels...odd. Strangely quiet, even IF people are talking. And then suddenly you notice...there's no ambient sound. No score.

Ever see a rough cut of a movie scene set at a nightclub or wild party, pre-scoring? It's weird. The main characters are talking, and everyone behind them is dancing...in complete silence. It's spooky and uncomfortable. You don't feel the vibe of the party that's supposedly going on. If anything, it seems fake and even creepy.

Ever see a clip of two people kissing without scoring underneath? It's uncomfortable. The actors are highly mic-ed. You hear strange sounds that aren't always altogether pleasant. It forces your focus away from the crackle of feeling being transmitted between the two people to analyzing the very unemotional technicalities of the act...saliva sounds, teeth clicking, unexpected snorts. It can make an intensely romantic, passionate, or angry and violent kiss just seem laughable.

--The shrieking violins in the shower scene in Psycho.

--The sound of the tolling bell and then the crescendo of increasingly, incongruously joyous marching band horns and cymbals as Rocky takes his final beating and then screams for Adrian until she is in his arms

--Leonard Bernstein's heart-pulsing hormonal "Mambo" in the gym scene in West Side Story

--The soft, slow, mournful orchestrated version of "As Time Goes By" as Rick and Ilsa look at each other for what they know will be the last time ever

What would these scenes be without the score that accompanies them?

And of course, the swell of joyous music under a thousand joyous film kisses, longed for and finally won.

Film scores are what move us to experience, rather than just see, what is in front of us. They make us an emotional participant, not just an impassive observer. They make the movie real to us. We feel it. We understand, we know. Our hearts beat with the hero's or heroine's heart. Our pulses race with theirs. Our tears well up when theirs do. We live, in that moment, in that story, because the score is there, connecting us.

And yet despite all this, for the most part, scores are completely ignored. If they are good, they become such an integral part of the film that we don't notice they're even there. There they are, changing us, making us feel and experience and know things we never dreamed we knew. And yet, even as this is happening, we don't see them, or think about them at all. We take it for granted that they're there, that they're part of the film. We focus on the dialogue or the action or the cinematography. Or the catchy pop single that plays once in the film and comes to "represent" it. We notice the shiny, dazzling things that jump in front of us and shake us and insist on attention. The scores, we just assume will be there, and we absorb them as we go, an integral part of our senses, so much so that they're entirely unnoticeable. Like touch, and sight, and hearing, and even breath, we just don't notice how important it is to the whole of us, until it's suddenly not there, and things just don't feel right.

Scores are wonderful. Magic, even, in what they are able to do so apparently effortlessly. But they do deserve notice. It ISN'T effortless. And it isn't easy. Writing an effective score, one that is so powerful that no one even realizes how much it is so, is a HERCULEAN task to accomplish.

I encourage you to notice and recognize the "scores" that are playing in your own life and how much they add to your everyday experience and well being. Of the care that went into them, and how well they accompany you. And I hope, once you see them, you'll give a little admiration and acknowledgment and magic of your own back in exchange. So that life will be always one of perfect musical synchrony.

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photo credit: Musical Score by yorkers & hirosophy

Update: I woke up this morning and already feel better, and I don't feel like relating to this post at all. I just want to push it out of my mind and pretend I never wrote it. Pathos embarrasses me--and even moreso now. I'm feeling angry and embarrassed I indulged in it. I have half a mind to erase the whole thing and pretend it never happened, but I won't because it's real--the path where I'm going isn't always perfectly paved, and I can't hold that against myself or pretend I'm perfect and that I never have moments of weakness--that's what I *used* to do, and that never worked. And it's important for me to realize I have some more work to do, and this will be a reminder. So I'm leaving the post up, but it's already mostly irrelevant.
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A few days ago I was going to write a post about the fact that I'd suddenly realized I was beginning to forget what it felt like to be me before I started getting better. I'd planned to describe how surprised I was that the memory of it all seemed to have faded, and how shocking it was to contemplate that I might only be feeling positive from now on. How odd that felt, and how strange to start losing something familiar I'd felt for years--to not remember how it felt to be that girl anymore. It seemed somewhat scary, although also probably positive. But I was thinking I ought to record some of the old feelings before they faded entirely and I could no longer write about them with any clarity or realism, which I want to be able to do, for myself and for others.

It's funny, though, how tiny triggers can bring back feelings that you thought weren't there anymore.

It seems those feelings I thought were entirely gone aren't completely eradicated yet, but were instead just sleeping in a distant corner of my mind, coiled up like a dark cobra inside a basket, just waiting for the right tune to lure it back out and strike, sending its poison into my blood stream.

So. I realize I haven't forgotten what it felt like. Not yet. Not totally.

And sensing the first edge of those feelings again brought me back, as it often has in the past, to this song and scene from the film Magnolia. The scene and those feelings are so inextricably bound for me, that experiencing either one will often bring a craving for the other, regardless of which is experienced first.

It has an emotional resonance I can't shake. When I watch this, I remember being the me I thought I was forgetting. I feel everything I did then.

I don't want to go back to the place this scene speaks to me of. But that's where I'm at today, sitting back with that girl in a darkened movie theater, seeing through her eyes, stunned by the grip recognition--this is me. Wanting to watch it over and over, a confirmation of that darkness. And since that's where I am today, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. And I'm not going to disallow myself my desire to watch this scene a few times and feel the dark and frightening and yet somehow still seductive grip of what I used to feel.

But I won't cater to it for too long. I'm not gonna let that win. This isn't me. Not anymore.

I'm not going to take it as a failure that I can still feel something I hoped I'd conquered.

(Psst, see the post below this one if you want to give me a little vocab help. Still applicable. Thanks.)

Saw this first on Brooke's blog and then today on Sizzle's blog, which reminded me I'd meant to get around to doing it. It's a fun movie trivia meme quiz for you to play along with. Being a total film freak, however, it was hard to narrow it down to just 15 choices; and even so I'm afraid a few of them are too obscure and no one will know them. But the rules DID say choose favorite films, so I stuck to that, regardless of obscurity. And I'm banking on the fact that maybe some of you are freaks like me and might know them.

Here’s how it works, should you decide to participate, too (and I'd love it if you would):

* Pick 15 of your favorite movies
* Go to IMDB and find a quote from each movie (or quote them from memory because you are that bad ass)
* Post them on your blog for everyone to guess
* Fill in the film title once it’s been guessed

These are your rules for my own list below:
* No Googling or using IMDB search functions (Don’t cheat!)
* Leave your answer(s) in the comments

1. "Don't get officious. You're not yourself when you're officious -- that is the curse of a government job."
Harold and Maude--guessed by NO ONE. How is that possible? Can't find this exact quote clip, but here's the 1971 trailer:

2. "Trade: Phenodihydrochloride benzelex. Street: The embalmer." "Balls! I'll swallow it and run a mile!"
Withnail & I -- guessed by Nikki. See it uttered in context here.

3. "You're not carnival personnel!"
The Jerk--guessed by no one.Words can not say how much I love this completely, stupidly brilliant movie. Can't find the quote in a clip, but here's a more famously quotable clip:

4. "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind -- guessed by Hiromi. See it uttered in context here (at around 2:50).

5. "I had a bad day. I had to subvert my principles and kowtow to an idiot. Television makes these daily sacrifices possible. Deadens the inner core of my being." "Let's move away then." "They have television everywhere; there's no escape."
(Note: I really wanted to use the quote to be "Sorry about vicing Ed's head," but it's not on IMBD and I'm not sure if i have it exactly right from memory. But you could use that one, too.)
Trust--guessed by no one. I've discussed my love of this film before here. Both the vicing Ed's head quote and the longer one above can be seen in this clip from the film:

6. "And... no, it is not dangerous to confuse children with angels!"
Magnolia -- guessed by AAG. See it uttered in context here.

7. "Yeah, but Tommy can be such a dork, ya know? Like he's got the bod, but his brains are bad news."
Valley Girl -- guessed by Ray. See it uttered in context here (at around 3:56).

8. "Men have let me down, but animals, never. Never!"
When The Cat's Away (or in the original French: Chacun cherche son chat)--guessed by no one.Adorable French indie film that was out in VHS in the US in the mid-90s. Still not available on DVD. What a complete shame. More than worth seeking out even on VHS, though. I mean, look at this fantastic trailer.

9. "Oh. It's not easy getting rides. Do you know what I mean? I mean most people are real afraid to pick up hitchhikers. I mean you never know who you might pick up. I mean I could be some crazed slime ball. I mean a real deranged, violent psycho. You know what I mean? I mean a guy who would rip out your heart and eat it, just for pleaaaasuuuuuurrrrrre. I'm talking about a total maniac! You know what I mean? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"
The Sure Thing -- guessed (again!) by Hiromi. See it uttered in context here (at around 4:25).

10. "Why can't I just be alone?" "All right, Mooney, go to your room!" "I don't have a room! I sleep in the hall, remember?"
New Waterford Girl--guessed by no one. Another small, obscure, and perfect film. Funny, smart, bittersweet, touching, hopeful--which is not made very clear by this trailer which seems to be attempting to make it look like the film is "wacky, kooky, crazy!!!" But it does include my quote.

11. "After my divorce from Luther I scraped by with baby-sitting gigs and odd jobs -- mostly the jobs we call blow."
Hedwig and the Angry Inch -- guessed by Roberta. (Can't find a clip of the quote, but here, have one of my favorite cheer-up songs ever from that film instead.)

12. "We have a whole life to live together, you fucker, but it can't start until you call."
Me, You and Everyone We Know--guessed by no one. I love this film. Can't find the quote on video, but here, watch this instead; one of the most perfectly crafted movie scenes I've ever seen:

13. "I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me NOW."
Willie Wonka & the Chocolate Factory -- guessed (2 for 2!) by Hiromi. See it uttered in context here.

14. "On behalf of the students from Vince Lombardi High who are here tonight, I'd just like to say one thing: Screw you, Principal Togar, we made it to the concert anyway!" (Hint: this post's title is an extra hint for this one.)
Rock 'n' Roll High School -- guessed by Darkneuro. (I couldn't find a clip of this one, but here's a great scene that takes place just between the quote in my post's title and this quote here.)

15. "WHAT are THESE?" "Those are your new shoes, Dawn!" "Those aren't the right kind, I told you cha-cha heels, black ones!" "Nice girls don't wear cha-cha heels!"
Female Trouble--guessed by no one, but alllllmostttt guessed by Ray.Perverse, funny as hell, and a great predictor of the trash celebrity culture of today. Two treats for this one: 1) Watch the beauty that is Divine utter the infamous cha-cha heels line:

2) Watch EARTHA KITT and BRONSKI BEAT do a tribute song inspired the infamous line. Can you stand it? SO fabulous. (Sadly, the song was written for Divine to sing, but s/he died before it was possible.)