Why empahsize the sex focus at all? Growing up, I was raised to have frank and open discussions about sexuality. As I got older, I realized how unusual an experience that was for most people. I've always been surprised, and a little saddened, by how shocked, and then relieved, and even grateful people are when they realize they can have a frank, open discussion about sex, without having to feel shame or embarrassment. I hate to think of how many people have lived their lives feeling isolated, unable to open up on the topic for fear of being shut down or ridiculed. So I wanted to create a comfortable environment where people can have these conversations in an open, respectful way.

Now, why "sexeteria" you ask?

In trying to figure out a name for this blog that would give an instant mental image of what it was about, I ran through a number of more obvious names, and they all just seemed too obvious or pompously titillating. And that wasn't the vibe I wanted. Sex can be serious, and smoldering, but it can also be friendly, and sometimes funny, too. I wanted the name to cover all the bases. I wanted to evoke a comfortable place where people could sit down, like they would with a good friend they trust, and talk comfortably about sex and sexuality without being embarrassed. A place where they could also have fun with the topic, too; as well as keep up-to-date with, share, and gossip about the latest news, entertainment, and other info on the topic.

So, I wanted to provide a smorgasbord of sex talk, if you will. But "smorgasbord" is not a particularly sexy word. So that was out.

And then, I remembered my favorite quote ever from The Simpsons, courtesy of Mr. H. Simpson himself: "Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania' or 'teria.'"

And--voilà!--my little piece of the blogosphere was born.

So, the Sexeteria. Come on in, grab a tray, check out the buffet, and choose what most whets your appetite and interest. I'm cooking up some treats just for you, honey. And because you're special, there's no charge--except that you join us at the table after you've and share your thoughts in a good, mind-stimulating group conversation. (For the rules of respectful posting, please click here.)

Dig in!

Miss Syl.

[Update: I've since discovered that the makers of The Simpsons actually used the word "Sexeteria" in their second animated show, Futurama. I always knew Matt Groening and I were soulmates, since way back in the "Life in Hell" days.

1. Get in line
   This is not a porn or cyber sex chat site. It's a place for clever people who are interested in sex and sexuality to talk, debate, and laugh about issues that interest them.
2. Enjoy your meal
   I'm going to talk about sex. And obviously, I'm a woman, so it'll be from a woman's point of view. I'll bring you news, debate, opinion, my and others' reviews of books, toys, video, whatever strikes my fancy.
3. Speak up, honey
   The crowd is noisy, but the lunch lady o' sex wants to hear your opinions, musings, what have you. Give good comment.
4. No food fights
   Miss Syl don't cook up no hate in her kitchen. If you start flinging yours around, it's detention for you, young man/lady/shemale.
5. Lunch is served to everyone
   The sexeteria serves people of every background, gender, and orientation. Come on in. Ahem.
6. Tips are accepted
   Saw an article you think I should check out? A site that's cool, funny, informative? A book, toy, video, or what have you that your company would like me to check out? I'm game. Write to me at the email in my profile. While I can't promise you I'll feature it, I'm always open to new ideas.
   
   And of course, posted comments or emails filled with slavish praise and admiration are always welcome with open...arms.

Also, please read this "Blogger's Disclaimer".

Also, also, please note:

All content in the weblog is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs2.5 License.

He presented it to me all wrapped up. And when I opened the box, it was...

...The ugliest f'ing thing I'd ever seen in my life.

I so wanted to be able to show you a photo of the exact model of this disaster of design, but I just spent a half an hour scouring sex toy sites trying to track it down and I can't find it anywhere. I don't know the brand name anymore because I have since gotten rid of it. The closest idea I can give you of what it looked like is a caucasian-flesh-toned version of this:

Yes, that's right. He gave me what looked suspiciously like a penis covered in genital warts. It's kind of like you suggesting your boyfriend buy you something sexy that he'd like to see you wearing and he comes back with one of those yellow bio-hazard suits. Talk about a mood kill.

Now, TECHNICALLY, the thing was perfectly functional. It could achieve its intended purpose. But in all honesty, it always took me way longer to get to that intended purpose with that ugly-ass thing, because just looking at it always grossed me out. But it was a gift, and you don't want to be mean spirited and look a gift vibe in the...okay, well, I can't really think of a good pun here.

But in any case, it got me thinking about form and function in the vibe category. And let's face it, while we all of us, men and women alike, probably appreciate the function just fine on many, many different types of these handy gadgets, you've got to wonder what vibe manufacturers are thinking about in terms of form.

[And by the way, I want to meet the girl/guy who gets to say "I am a vibrator designer" when people ask her/him what she/he does for a living.]

I mean, who is behind some of these ideas? Let's have a look, shall we? (Note: links are NOT safe for work)

• First we have the "vibe that I'm too embarrassed to admit IS a vibe" vibe (VTITETAIAVV).
  For instance, a vibrator that looks like a tube of lipstick. No offense to whomever designed this, but honestly, ladies: When was the last time you looked at a REAL tube of lipstick and said, "That is so damn HOT; I NEED that in my hoo-hoo right NOW?" And along with that, I know this scenario has got to have happened more than a few times: someone gets a little drunk, the hotel room is dark...fumbling and overcome with desire, she grabs the wrong tube from her suitcase and...messy, messy situation, people.
• Next, we have a close cousin to the VTITETAIAVV, the "I secretly want to do an animal" vibe.
  In this category, designers apparently assume we're going to get turned on by dolphins, majorly freaky-lookin' letch penguins, and poisonous cobras. Okay, so aside from the one exception who probably works for the Jim Rose Sideshow, I'm pretty damn sure I know the reaction that any man would have if I were to say, "Hey, how would you feel about sitting there while I aim a cobra at your unprotected penis?" I'm predicting you're NOT going to get an uplifting response, if you catch my drift; which I know you do.
• Lest we forget, there is also the the frighteningly realistic-looking "serial killer amputated body part" vibe! Woo hoo!
  These little (and not so little) beauties would give any aspiring Jeff of Josephine Dahmer plenty of hot times!
• And we'd be remiss not to mention the "wtf?!?" category before we conclude.
  Because everyone wants a vibe that looks like a Maglite flashlight, a radioactive penis, or a...um...wierd sea-anemone-crossed-with-cactus-thingie inside them, right?

Okay, so I'm poking a little fun. If a lecherous penguin gets you off, more power to you. And yes, I know different styles of vibrators are meant to stimulate in different ways AND that sex doesn't always have to be dead serious, some people want some humor mixed in. But really, you've got to wonder why great function can't meet great design in this arena. It is a SEX toy. Let's make them SEXY. Couldn't the people who design Macs or...I don't know...the Guggenheim...design your sex toys instead of what seems to be the people who design Beanie Babies or artificial limbs? Sooo not sexy.

In my estimation, it's all about the shame. People are afraid to stand out in the open and say, hey, I use a vibrator. Please, let's get over it. Why not just admit you're using the damn thing just like EVERYONE ELSE on earth (all of whom are also covering it up) and then we'll be able to start getting less libido-squelching designs. Maybe you'll start to get more things that are all sleek and sophisticated and mod, like this.

Not a sermon, just a thought.

You can buy the "Nimrod" and "Main Vein" for the price of about two high-end vibrators. Everything else is pretty expensive. Check out the exhibit site to see more at The Penis Project.

Make sure you check out the title of each piece. Those are priceless.

Thanks to Daze Reader for the original mention.

Which makes you realize something odd's going on here. There's lots of sex going on in mainstream cinema, but when we're talking serious orgasm moments (as opposed to jokey ones), it seems they turn the mike up on the females and turn it OFF on the males. What's up with that? Can you name five good, realistic male orgasms on the mainstream screen? (And I'm not talking obscure indie here, because yes, I know, "The Brown Bunny," Gregg Araki, blah blah blah. No, I mean the big money stuff people OTHER than us indie freaks go to see.

If you can think of a good, mainstream male orgasm example, post it here.

Although, hm, that orgasm in King Kong was impressive.

Don't get me wrong, it was a fine piece of film making. And the actors were nice eye candy. But why do people think it's the uber-sexy film of all time? Was anyone actually watching during the sex scenes that were in that movie? Sure, they hinted at a threesome, but you never saw that. And the two sex scenes that you DID see were both awful, bumbling first-sex attempts by the two virginal young men, and the filmmaker shows that they orgasmed so fast that the woman didn't even get any satisfaction.

One of the things that I find especially funny is that so many macho straight man types say the film is really sexy, when in fact the only really sensual moment is when all three of them are dancing together and then the woman gets the two men to kiss. After the fade out, they wake up and she's not even around. So, WAS it a threesome? We don't really know. And while certainly, if they were able to manage to overcome the premature ejaculation thing with each other, I'm certain they had a nice, sexy time together, it definitely makes you wonder what straight guys are referring to in the film as being hot. Is there some secret, Brokeback Mountain thing going on inside all men, hmmmm? Or maybe they find the whole wham-bam, leave the chick unsatisfied thing sexy. But based on the men I've known, I doubt most men would feel good about that.

Anyway, PLEASE. Let's get over this film already. Everyone can stick to the other two common standards these days instead: Secretary and Amelie. Which at least were more legitimately sexy than Y Tu Mama.

What would be your vote for best on-screen sex (porn excepted)?

Some that I thought were notable that you don't hear about much (though I also liked Secretary, but everyone says that):

Robert Downey, Jr. and Heather Graham in Two Girls and a Guy
David Wenham and Susie Porter in Better than Sex (all of it's good, but I liked the bathtub scene the best)
And a good "sex that wasn't sex scene": The conversation in the car/parking garage in Laurel Canyon

Tell me yours.

But more than any of the above I crave oysters. Just the thought of those soft, cold, wet, salty things sliding down my throat sends me to my knees. The mere mention of them, even a passing reference, and I'm instantly craving. I'm craving them now, just writing to you about them. God, first person to offer to take me out for oysters gets...hmmm, to listen to me make some verrry appreciative noises, how about that?

Of course, there's a lot of debate about whether aphrodisiacs really have any effect at all, or if it's simply the power of suggestion. But it seems an interesting coincidence to me at least that I have a healthy libido and a pretty healthy craving for just about every stated aphrodisiacal kind of food out there. And many of them I had a solid love for long before I was old enough to know what the word "aphrodisiac" meant.

It would be an interesting experiment to hear from others out there and see if their sex drives, high, medium, or low, match with the amount of aphrodisiacs they crave.

Also, any votes for foods that ought to be placed on the aphrodisiac list that aren't commonly? I might vote for cashews, and maybe chanterelle and/or morel mushrooms. Mmmm, in fact, why not slice all three of those up, sautee them all together with a little butter and sherry, and slowly drizzle the mixture on...

I'll let you imagine the rest.

• Kate Winslet and Jim Carey in bed under the blanket in that gorgeously emotional scene in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
• The four-Monkees-on-one-girl scene at the beginning of "Head" (come on, you KNOW you'd wanna see it)
• Mae West and Cary Grant in "She Done Him Wrong"
• The threesome in the pool or in the hotel bedroom (either/or/both) in "Laurel Canyon"
• Not a movie, but still: In "Six Feet Under," the scene between Nate and Lisa in the woods where he tells her in great detail what he's about to do to her, before he starts to do it--mm, mm, mm, perfectly crafted dirty-talk scene
• Really didn't like this movie, but I still would have liked to see Colin Firth act on that one moment at the end of "Bridget Jone's Diary" where he's just gotten into her flat and it looks like it's all he can do to keep from ripping her clothes off. Good acting, there, Colin. I'd have let you.
• The infamous cutting-room floor scene between the Sleaze Sisters in my favorite grrl cult film of all time, "Times Square"
• Darryl Hannah and Aidann Quinn in "Reckless" (did anyone ever see that film besides me?)


• Frank N. Furter with Brad and/or Janet in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"

Anyway, you rarely find something that makes you feel it all. And I came across this short piece by poet and memoirist Nick Flynn in "Nerve," and I have to say, it was one of those rare lit-sex moments where I felt like I was actually in bed with him--not WITH him, as in being the partner in the story, but in his body, behind his eyes and ears and brain and nerve endings. And it felt amazing. Despite the fact that he was supposedly writing about bad sex. (Update: Nerve has switched this story over to premium members only, so if you're not a premium member, you won't be able to read the whole thing. However, I found a little bit more of it excerpted over here at Viviane's Sex Carnival, if you want to get a taste of it.)

If you like it, go check out his website, too. It's here. I hadn't heard of him before but it appears he has a really interesting memoir with a genius title: "Another Bullshit Night in Suck City." Just that alone makes me want to read it. So, go on, support a starving writer.

Another update: I've read "Another Bullshit Night in Suck City" now. It's worth buying.

This is probably primarily because I just love sound during sex in general. For me, quiet sex is okay, but if you really want to get me crazy, moan into my ear just how good you're feeling and I'll climb the walls; and most likely every inch of you, as well.

I also believe in reciprocating in kind, of course. I'm perfectly happy saying things to men that would make other women blush. In fact, I prefer doing so--and it's especially cute and rewarding if I can say something that will makes the man blush, too (in a good way, of course--maybe "flush" rather than "blush" is the right word).

In general, my phone sex has been restricted to men I've been in relationships with. But I have tried it twice with strangers, as a sort of experiment. And while I still much prefer both real and imagined sex to be with someone I know intimately, I find it interesting that in the physical realm, I generally can't fully enjoy sex or reach a full orgasm unless it's with someone I know and trust. Whereas, I have been able to come while having phone sex with a stranger. I'm not sure why this is, but I'm guessing there are two possibilities:

1) The person on the phone has to make sounds throughout the act, so I know what's going on. In physical sex, many men often try to imitate the male porn star thing where they stay quiet during sex except during the blow job and orgasm stages (so annoying). So during phone sex, I'm getting constant aural stimulation, which is a constant exciter for me.

2) It feels like there is less serious fallout consequence from a one-night phone stand than a one-night real-life stand. There aren't any STDs or potential pregnancies to worry about. The other person doesn't know where you live (assuming you're unlisted or you block caller ID), and you're not going to run into him in Starbucks the next morning. Well, I mean, you could, but you wouldn't know it if you did. So no uncomfortable conversations.

In any case, as I am currently partnerless, I don't have phone sex nearly as often as I would like. And yet, ironically, I'm often told (even by people I am not having the slightest sexually-tinged conversation with) that I was blessed with a voice that instantly stimulates the male libido, particularly over the phone. Not saying this to brag, mind you, it's just something I've been told spontaneously so many times that I figure it must be true--though to me I just sound like...myself. Anyway, here: you be the judge.

It's enough to get a girl thinking about quitting her respectable day job and going pro. So today, I am especially interested by this post by Katie over at Talking Dirty, about how to be a phone sex operator. Definitely looking forward to part two.

I wonder if I could satisfy my aural fixation AND make more money than I'm currently earning. I suspect not. And I probably would prefer getting it for free where the conditions are more egalitarian. But still, it's an interesting thought...at least a good one to fall asleep to after I sign off tonight.

In any case, if you're interested in other types of long-distance sex, too, you might also want to check out another blog link I found via Katie's site: Dante's Guide to Cybersex.

I know you're ready to lick it right now. Click to enlarge if you need more inspiration.

Take a bite of peach... Originally uploaded by whatmeworry101.

For those who might read this and don't know, this is the genuis idea of the brilliant Sam Sugar over at SugarBank, a site definitely worth many a visit. AND he's not only a brilliant idea generator; he's also a very good writer, and he has a very hot voice. The trifecta of attraction in my book.

Sugasm #17

The best of the blogs by the bloggers who blog them (this week starting with the letter ‘H’):

• Head Case (domequeen.blogspot.com)
• Interview? (swelteringcelt.com)


• In Today’s Mail (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)


• I Want Fingering In the Fast Lane (damnjezebel.com)


• KITKAST #1.11 - The Sex Party, Pamela Anderson and Kitkast Field Correspondents (mskitka.com)
• Phone Hoing 101: How To Get Into Phone Sex Part 1 (talkingdirty.blogspot.com)


• Pleasure Under Foot (4dirtylaundry.blogspot.com)


• Reader Question - Threesomes and Infidellity (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)


• Secret Reads: SexWatts Per Hour (secretbrain.blogspot.com)
• Sexual imbalances and what to do (realadultsex.com)


• Shrunk Down to Size (radicalvixen.com)


• Sight Unseen - Short Fiction by Mr. W (insatiablemrw.blogspot.com)


• Simply Beautiful (mimredbeard.com)
• Super Hottie From Portugal (eroticandy.blogspot.com)


• The Good Girl (chaosnoir.blogspot.com)


• The Sacred Obscene (deltaofvenus.blogspot.com)


• Tip of the Tongue (theholidaylife.blogspot.com)
• zafira and jo on sapphic erotica (simply-sapphicerotica.com)


• A massage (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com)


• Cock For Me (sexinga.blogspot.com)


• Diana And Darcy On Abby Winters (iloveabbywinters.com)
• Does "Ugly is as Ugly Does" Also Apply to Vibrators? (sexeteria.blogspot.com)


• Girl Interrupted……Ch. 4 (whatsexmaycome.blogspot.com)


• Bloggers Wanted (sugarbank.com)
• Join the Sugasm

I was once listening to a sex chat show on the radio where a female called in and said she was worried that she wasn't giving her boyfriend a good enough blow job, and she wanted to know if there were hints she could look out for that would give away whether or not she was doing it well. The male host's advice to her was not to be concerned, because essentially all guys feel that if they're getting a blowjob at all, it's a great blowjob.

But I've always wondered if it's true. And I'm sure it's something that many straight women wonder about.

Being a non-penis-carrying member of the FCLU (Female Contingent of Lust Universal), I can pretty much get a mental sense of what most acts during sex must feel like for a man, except for what it must feel like to have a blowjob. This remains a big question mark for me, because I simply have no frame of reference, and never will. And though I've never had any complaints or requests for anything different from any of my male partners when I ask for feedback, I've always wondered if men are just afraid to tell a woman to change her technique. I suspect men might worry that any constructive criticism could lead to insecurity or resentment on the women's part and--horror!--that might mean the end of all blowjobs for the guy altogether.

Or, maybe, as the DJ said, men think any blowjob is great, so they're just simply satisfied that they're getting one and they don't care about making it SUPER great. But why shouldn't they care?

And anyway, I just plain find it hard to believe any blowjob is good. First of all, when I ask my male friends if the DJ's statement was true, every single one of them will first say yes. But then when questioned further, they will tell me some people are far better at it then others and they are ready to wax poetic about what makes the good ones good.

And further proof to me is that in reverse, there are definitely men that are better and worse at cunnilingus. I can't imagine every woman is naturally great at oral sex. And, just as I'm certain any slightly more clueless or intimidated man facing an expectant pussy is quite grateful for any gentle roadmap directions a woman can give him to help him navigate down there, women would probably be equally as happy to get gently helpful advice.

So, men of the blogosphere, now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their cuntry. Help a sister out.

Please sound off about the best ways to suck you off. Share any secret--or not so secret--tips you wish more women knew about. Or IS any blowjob a good blowjob?

The best of the blogs by the bloggers who blog them (this week starting with the letter ‘S’):

Sex Type Thing (chaosnoir.blogspot.com)
Six Girls Skinny-dipping on Abby Winters (iloveabbeywinters.com)

Coach T…..Chapter Two (whatsexmaycome.blogspot.com)
Sometimes You Just Miss Having A Penis (berkeleybiboy.blogspot.com)
Strapping One On? (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)
Tangled up (lumpesse.com)
The Listening Brief (gentlygently.blogspot.com)
True Secret: A Night With A Star (secretbrain.blogspot.com)
Vixen, In All Her Sultry, Devilish, Glory (tirepaddle.com)
Brett and Hiromi interview themselves (sexblo.gs)
Hot teen lesbian sex on Sapphic Erotica (simply-sapphicerotica.com)
Condom Conversation… (shayssexcolumn)
Cherished (ambientstorm.blogspot.com)
Dante’s Guide to Cybersex–Part II: Descriptive Writing(damneddante.blogspot.com)
Darkness (nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)
Exactly where I want you… (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com)
Expectations (swelteringcelt.com)
Father Knows Best (theholidaylife.blogspot.com)
Fucking Wifey To Make Me Jealous (radicalvixen.com)

How do you jack-off? (whatsyourpleasure.blogspot.com)
How to Get a Killer Lapdance (sugarbank.com)
Hot teen lesbian sex on Sapphic Erotica (simply-sapphicerotica.com)
I might like you bettah if we shaved togethah (realadultsex.com)
KITKAST #1.12 - AVN 1/2, Howard Stern and Porn Battle Kits(kitkast.com)
Masturbation (sexinga.blogspot.com)
Mindfucking and Oral Service (talkingdirty.blogspot.com)
Men: What Are Your Best Blowjob Tips? (sexeteria.blogspot.com)
More angie6969 (eroticandy.blogspot.com)
My best fuck (damnjezebel.com)
Phone (anyonesgirl.blogspot.com)
My Fun Night at Work (MOCK POST) (tinastrangeworld.blogspot.com)
Realizing Mortality (bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com)

Join the Sugasm?

But I think if that many people would like to know what men think makes for good oral sex, I’m sure there’s a lot of people out there who would appreciate hearing the female point of view on how to give a woman great oral. I would assume that men in particular would love to hear some of this advice straight from “real” women rather than from unrealistic porn videos. I can’t imagine what it must feel like for them when they first come face to face with the mysterious complexity of a new pussy they want to please. I know they say generally men don’t like to be given directions, but my guess is in this particular scenario, they would be more than happy to have a good on-board navigation system.

So, ladies, it’s your turn. Please sound off on the best ways to get you off orally. Share any secret—or not so secret—tips you wish more men knew about. (Note: I’m saying give tips to the boys because, seeing as they don’t own a vulva or a clitoris, they have less of a frame of reference and might want more guidance. But bi and lesbian girls are very welcome to share tips, too. In fact, please do. We all of us want to have better oral.)

Now, unlike in my last post, I am quite familiar with what it feels like to have female genitalia, so I can start the conversation off with a few tips. Here they are. The list is a little long, so click the link below the first tip to get to the full post.

1. When it comes to women, “any oral is good oral” does NOT apply. Unlike how it is for men, just because you’re willing to go down there and start licking doesn’t mean she’s going to come no matter how it’s done. Orgasm is a very emotional as well as physical thing for women. If you don’t get both her mind and senses engaged, she’s not going to get off. Here are some more tips on how to do both.


2. Don’t head straight for the pussy like a heat-seeking missile. I know for a lot of guys, nothing is as exciting as having a woman you’re into start touching your package or start unzipping your fly and heading down south as early on as possible in a make-out session. This is because not only does it feel damn good, but it takes away a certain amount of insecurity—if that happens, you know she’s into you and you’re probably going to be getting some.

   This is NOT—I repeat—NOT the case for women. If you go straight for her genitals right after you start kissing, in most cases it will NOT make her feel good, because she hasn’t been turned on enough. Plus, it will not take away her insecurities by making her think you’re into her. Unlike you, she’s going to be pretty sure already that you want to have sex with her, and she’ll be in the process of deciding if she wants to have sex with you. What will make or break that is generally how willing you are to show you’re into her and her physical needs. Going straight for her pussy, either while clothed or even when you first both get naked together (if you do) is not the way to show her you’re into her physical needs. In fact, it might even make her think you don’t care about her at all and just want to get laid, which for most women would be a serious mood kill, and there’s no coming back from that (ahem). Most women need to get very worked up until they’re at the point where there’s no WAY they’re going to be able to want anything except getting you down there, and quick. So, unless you know your partner very, very well and already know she’s into quickies, if you go straight in for the pussy, you’re significantly lessening your chances you’ll even see her genitalia, let alone get her off. Instead, spend some time stimulating her by kissing, stroking, licking, and caressing every other part of her body first, until she is so worked up, there’s no way she’s going to be able to want anything but to have you down there, and quick. Once she’s already a little worked up, don’t underestimate the power of the tease…touch, kiss, or lick the sensitive areas around the pussy, especially the inner thighs, lower stomach, and mons pubis. Make her start thinking about it, but not getting it. The power of suggestion is has a mighty influence.



3. Forget all that "letters of the alphabet" nonsense.

   To paraphrase Ron Jeremy in “Porn Star,” (and who would know better than the hedgehog), some women like it clockwise, some like it counter clockwise, some like an up and down stroke, etc., etc. You don’t have to spell out the letters of the alphabet. Just try different motions and see what works. Circles around the clit, direct pressure pusing right on the clit, slow up and down licking, fast little flicks of the tounge…try it all and see what has the best effect. I mean, if it helps you to spell out the letters of the alphabet to figure out what motion works best for your woman, so be it. But the point is, when you find a motion that works, STICK WITH IT. If you reach the letter S and she suddenly starts bucking her hips against your face, don’t fucking move on to T, U, and V. Stick with S, damnit. S, S, S!!! Oh god, Ssssss!



4. Listen up! Pay attention!
   Some women aren’t shy at all about telling you just what to do and what they like, which takes away all the guesswork. But some women are more embarrassed to express themselves so bluntly during sex. In any case, whether she talks a lot or hardly at all, listen and pay close attention to the noises and motions she makes. If you’re down there and you hear something—an intake of breath, a moan, a “yes,” or if you see her starting to move against your toungue or face in even a slightly less controlled way—stick with what you are doing, you’re on the right track. Keep doing it some more. If she starts to get quieter or to calm down, it’s not working anymore; move on to trying something new until you start hearing/seeing a response again, and then stick with that motion. Recognize that if you here “no, “ “not there,” or “ouch!” you must NEVER go back to that approach. Realize that some women are more sensitive than others in that region. Just because your last partner liked to have her clit nibbled on doesn’t mean that your next partner is going to be able to take that direct approach.

   And most importantly, if at any time you hear her say, “right there!“, “I’m almost there! I’m going to cum!”, or “don’t stop!”…well, mister, DON’T STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING. I recognize it’s hard to continue to keep your motions consistent while she’s thrashing uncontrollably, but you signed up for this job, mate! Do whatever it takes to stay consistent at that moment. There is NOTHING worse than right as you’re about to peak, your partner decides to pause, change his tongue technique, or stop and ask for a blowjob instead. Once the momentum is broken for women, it can take a while to get back up there again. So unless you and your partner are into denial and teasing, stick with it till she’s screaming in ecstasy and tells you she’s done.



5. Communicate. Ask for tips.
   Since every woman is different, asking how she likes to be given oral doesn’t imply you don’t know what you’re doing. In fact, it shows you DO know something. As you’re getting to know your partner (or even after you know her well), don’t be afraid to ask “do you like that?” It’s pretty sexy to hear a partner ask that anyway, because you know they want you to really feel good. If you’ve got a partner who’s a little less shy, tell her you are going to be her slave for the night—at her total command, there only to give her pleasure, and she needs to tell you exactly what to do to her, when, and how. Step by luscious step. Do this, and she’ll not only be turned on, but she’ll give you a virtual roadmap to how to make her feel good. And, if your partner is even less shy, ask her to demonstrate for you what gets her off. One way to do this is to ask her to masturbate in front of you while you watch. Exciting for you and her! But many women might be very embarrassed to do this, or intimidated by that kind of thing. If you suspect your partner might be, or you don’t know, try this less exhibitionistic alternative. Stand or lay behind her, pressed up against her. After she’s nice and turned on, ask her to take your hand and masturbate herself with it, as if it were her hand. She can bring your hand around the front of her, and use it like a sex toy until she’s overcome with orgasm, but she doesn’t have to see you watching her as she does it. It’s very intimate, and very hot, but less confrontational. Whichever method you use, pay attention to exactly how she touches herself, and then, the next time you go down on her, do the same thing with your tongue. You’ll have her screaming for you in no time.

• Meeting on the second floor (gentlygently.blogspot.com…)
• After Action Report (swelteringcelt.com…)
• Baby… (damnjezebel.com…)
• Dave Naz again (eroticandy.blogspot.com…)
• Delightfully debauched (curvaceousdee.blogspot.com…)
• Gusher Pride (shaysotherspot.blogspot.com…)
• Her First Lesbian Sex (sensualarousalblog.com…)
• Hiding from my orgasm… (whatsyourpleasure.blogspot.com…)
• Kabbalah Curious (sugarpit.com…)
• Learn to deep throat (hotcouple.co.uk)
• My New Toy (radicalvixen.com…)
• Pervert! (sabrinainstockings.com…)
• Ready (whatsexmaycome.blogspot.com…)
• Redheaded beauty Carissa on Abby Winters (iloveabbywinters.com…)
• Smoking Room Adventures (secretbrain.blogspot.com…)
• Strokes of Genius (deltaofvenus.blogspot.com…)
• Ten Signs You’ve Been Around Porn Too Long (sugarbank.com…)
• The Art of War (chaosnoir.blogspot.com…)
• This Could Make Me Rich (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com…)
• The F-stops Here (theholidaylife.blogspot.com…)
• The gag (rogerothornhill.typepad.com…)
• Those New Lace Panties (bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com…)
• Time Flies… Oh! and HNT (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com…)
• Vixen Devilgirl: Getting the Lips Right is the Most Important Part of Good Head (tirepaddle.com…)
• Women: What Are Your Best Cunnilingus Tips? (Full post, finally.) (sexeteria.blogspot.com…)
• You like…? (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com…)

I started writing this blog exactly a month ago. In this first month, I've had over 2,000 visitors, over 3,000 pageloads, and return visits that number in the hundreds. That just amazes and humbles me. When I started, I thought I'd be lucky if 10 people a day found the site and even a few of them responded. Many thanks to all of you who have visited, and for your great comments and kind emails. I look forward to more discussion and meeting more of you who are out there and hearing your thoughts.

It also makes me feel great that there's such a thriving number of intelligent, thoughtful sex bloggers out there keeping the discussion open and interesting. I had no idea when I first signed on this would be the case. Now I find myself overwhelmed with the number of blogs I want to read everyday. How will I ever have the time???

Much xo to you all...I think together, we're all making the world a better, more open, more creative place.

Look what I just found...a gift that solves both couples' "our sex is getting too routine" AND "I'm sick of fighting over the remote control" dilemmas. Couldn't sound more perfect, you say?

Then get yourself over to see the oyster and the octopus. No, I'm not talking about taking your honey to Sea World for Valentine's Day. I'm talking his and hers, remote controlled, low noise, hide-in-plain-sight vibrators. Each is designed differently to stimulate the right parts for the right gender. And the remotes are on key chains so no one out in public need be the wiser. Ingenious. There's also video from some BBC morning show of couples testing both out, if you're curious to see the effects. How could you go wrong with this one--a gift for him/her that is ALSO a gift for you.

And if you're about to say, "Miss Syl, I already BOUGHT him/her a remote control vibrator...that is SO last year," well, how about adding a little something to your bedroom decor that will put your lucky victim in no position to criticize your gift? Mmm, mmm, mmmm, look at that wedge ramp combo (pictured here). Or, check out the more permanent furniture. I'd definitely be willing to show just how grateful I was if someone got me one of these for a present--make sure you check out the whole slide show. Makes your mouth water.

Ah, I'm jealous now of all you people who are going to get one of these on Valentine's day, while I'm left all alone and boyfriendless this year...

Now, if anyone gets any of these based on my suggestion, you know it's only fair...you have to give me a full review on exactly how well it "worked" as a present!

...but maybe it's about something even better, something that will bring you back to a certain feeling...

I was just thinking about how most people's "first time" is really not with a person, but with a piece of media--whether a book, a magazine, a photograph, film, TV show, or website.

Can you remember the first thing that sparked up your mind and body with that hot flame of desire? The very first thing that got you hard, or got you wet, so that you instinctively took your hand or pillow or (fill in the blank) and put it down where it needed to be, and started the motion that would, for the very first time, satisfy the sensations you couldn't even define yet?

I've heard men tell me they masturbated for the first time to women on sitcoms. Women tell me it was their life-size poster of their rock star crush taped to the back of their bedroom door. So innocent, yet so incredibly stirring, when you think back to how little it took to get your mind and desire racing back then.

For me, my first time was with a John Jakes novel called The Bastard. It was the first in a series of historical novels purportedly written for men, but which in reality were little more than masculine versions of romance novels. My dad had collected the series and had them sitting on a shelf, collecting dust in his study. I was a voracious reader and a brainy girl even then, and was already reading adult books, under my parent's supervision. I asked to read these books, and I'm sure my dad thought it was a good idea, as it would teach me things about American history. Little did he realize I'd keep the first book in the series under my bed for years, so I could have easy access to it whenever I needed it.

I can still clearly remember the very first time I read the opening sex scene in that book. In it, the hero, innocent and in his teens in pre-Revolution France, is seduced in the loft of a barn by the teenage-but-NOT-so-innocent serving wench who works in his mother's inn. It is winter and it is cold. She starts out pretending that she just wants to warm him up, but then she slowly starts touching him in different places, and putting his hands on her in different places, until she works him up to the point of no control. And reading that...well, that was the beginning of me learning to work myself up to the point of no control.

Part of me wants to go back and re-read that scene now, years later. But another part of me doesn't want to, because I'm sure to an experienced adult, the passage would probably seem trite and silly. But at the time, for me, a young and innocent kid like the French boy and girl in the story, it was so, soooo hot.

So who--or more specifically, what--were you with your first time?

Yes, I wrote it. Yes it's stupid. But admit it, you laughed.

I'm feeling giddy and silly and happy it's the weekend. I want to play! I want you to get silly and play with me. Read on to find out how.

So, on my way home today, I was just thinking about how the "dirty limerick" has become a lost art. Back in the dark ages before everyone could get whatever sexual content they wanted 24 hours a day (i.e., the entire span of human existence until the 1990s), people used to use these little rhymes to pass along sexual humor and, I would guess, they were also often used to pass along sexual knowledgethroughh that humor.

Well, I say, bring back the dirty limerick! We can all use some nudge, nudge, wink, wink silliness these days, even if we can fill our entire hard drive with very serious porn, thank you very much.

I therefore herewith establish (at least for one week) "Dirty Limerick Fridays." (Hell, if there's a Cockblogging Wednesday and a Half Naked Thursday, I've gotta act fast before all the days are taken up).

So play around with me. Email me a dirty limerick and as they come in, I'll post them on Fridays. It's really fun...and much more challenging than you'd think at first. Let's keep up a centuries-long tradition, and have a laugh while we're doing it.

xo,

Miss Syl

P.S. Does anyone besides me know both the full dirty and clean versions of "There once was a man from Nantucket?" I challenge you!

The best of the blogs by the bloggers who blog them. This week starting with the letter ‘I,' for 'insatiable.'

Jefferson’s Gangbang #24 (viviane212.blogspot.com…)
Joy Swallows (seska4lovers.com…)
J.R. Duran (sexblo.gs…)
KITKAST #1.15 - The Art of Loving, Jenna’s Video Podcast and the 82nd Airborne Division (kitkast.com…)

Letter to La Minx (theholidaylife.blogspot.com…)
Lezzy Lovers (myfreeimplants.com…)
Lost. (domequeen.blogspot.com…)
Milk Gone Wild (pornzio.com…)

My First Time (sexeteria.blogspot.com…)
My Imaginary Genitals (v-boat.blogspot.com…)
Nora Marlo pinup model (eroticandy.blogspot.com…)
On Tim Burton and Anal Sex (dslashe.blogspot.com…)

Parking Lot Sex (radicalvixen.com…)
Private Appearance (gentlygently.blogspot.com…)
Refracted Pleasure (deltaofvenus.blogspot.com…)
Relax (nakedfella.blogspot.com…)

Secret Audio Reads: The Slow Shower (secretbrain.blogspot.com…)
Señor Happy (chaosnoir.blogspot.com…)
SexNotWork – World’s First/Best/Only Sex-Blog Network (sugarbank.com…)
Thoughts of our twilight delight and what it may bring… (maleslut35.blogspot.com…)

Trading Places, or Get Your Freak On Friday (barelace.blogspot.com…)
vagueBoy’s Guide to Pretties and Porn (vagueboy.com…)
Valentine’s Day is Approaching (janeluvsdick.com…)
Vixen Devil Girl Table: Ready for the Dirty Show! (tirepaddle.com…)

With a Name Like Zdenka She Has to Be Good! (twistys.com…)
After Sex (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com…)
CockCUNTBlogging Wednesday (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com…)
Condom Queen Quits Classy Company (sugarpit.com…)

Disappointment (nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com…)
Explaining Attitude (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com…)
Full Shift (swelteringcelt.com…)
Happy Nekkid Feet (sabrinainstockings.com…)

HNT Exercise — one minute please (realadultsex.com…)

Join the Sugasm

Sugasm is lovingly policed by Sabrina Morgan

Imagine running a gummy bear on your skin, with a little pressure. Nice? Not nice? What do you think?

And it also says it's good for cunnilingus and I can't sort out how it would help that along at all. People don't tend to bite a woman accidentally during this act, so far as I know.

..but I just love how after they tell you all kinds of dirty things you can do with this candy, they add the afterthought, "It is also certified kosher." Cracked me up. ("I'll put a penis in my mouth any day, but non-kosher blowjob candy...no WAY.")

Sprinkle generously into conversations throughout the upcoming week. Tell me how people respond.

Sing it, Ann.


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Oh, I've had plenty of boyfriends. It's just the breakup or start-up always seemed to happen before or after the month of February. Or, in one case, the first makeout session occurred on a party the evening of February 13, so it was too early and too much pressure to make a big deal out of Valentine's Day yet (I got a rose after midnight, but no plans for THE DAY, and definitely no sex).

I had a two-year, long-term relationship. We lived in different states and visited back and forth at regular intervals. I got Valentine's day presents, cards. But for some reason, he and I could never work our schedules and obligations out to be together for Valentine's Day.

I lived with someone for six years in a committed relationship. You'd THINK I would have gotten lucky on Valentine's Day at least ONCE in that time, right? But no. He worked in the restaurant industry. And as you may or may not know, Valentine's Day is the second biggest profit day of the year for restaurants (after Mother's day; I'm not even gonna get INTO the Oedipal implications of that one). The fancier restaurants (he worked at one) tend to have special Valentine's Day menus, which require extra effort and more hours than usual at work. So, during all those years, while all you people were out having your special Valentine's Day dinners at your chi-chi restaurants, I was at home, alone, thinking of my guy making sure YOUR V-day (or someone's, anyway) was really romantic. Humph. We always had to celebrate on the 13th or 15th, because by the time he came home on the 14th, I was usually asleep and he was usually exhausted.

And this year, I'm single on Valentine's Day. So again, I must go without.

So now, I find myself in my 30s, with not one single Valentine's Day shag under my garter belt. It seems cruel and unfair! I think to make me feel better, all you readers who HAVE had Valentine's Day sex over the years ought to tell me stories about the most horrible and disappointing Valentine's Day sex you've ever had. To make me feel like I'm not missing out, having only had sex on the other 364 days of the year.

Please tell me a bad V-day sex story! Or at least write me sympathy notes or offer your services to defile my innocence, or something...

Note: You can go here to find more amusing Anti-valentine cards like the one above.

..with this site. Too funny.

fuckvday.com [Update: link appears to be broken now. I'm hoping it'll come back. Sorry...]

Thanks to the lascivious, leather-clad Karl Elvis by way of the lusty, libidinous Chelsea Girl for the enjoyment.

Anyway, the highlight of the night was this amazing slam poet named Sonya Renee. If she comes to your town, I highly recommend you check her out. But anyway, she performed one poem that contains my quote for this week. The poem was about how she was really getting down with this guy, and the moment of "impact" was about to occur and she asks him if he has a condom and he gives her a hard time and says something rude. The rest of the poem is her lambasting him for his stupidity. Uber quote in the midst of the rant:

Put your dick in your pants,
You've just lost your chance,
I've got a date with my dildo at 10.

What it describes I don't hate though. It's an interesting and complex state to be in. It deserves a good word to describe it.

The thing that is frustrating is that there really is no other word that quite has the same meaning as "horny." "Aroused" isn't right. Aroused tends to be used to describe direct and clear physical response to something in particular: "I saw him and became aroused." Whereas "horny" is more of an ongoing state--a quivering sense of need, even if you're not technically, physically showing signs of arousal.

"Excited" is too non-specific. I mean hell, I can get excited about the fact that my landlord lowered my rent, or that my favorite band is playing in town.

"Lustful" is closer to the mark, but doesn't sound quite right when you say it: "God, I'm really lustful right now." Uh-uh. And "lecherous" just sounds like you're thinking about underage kids.

Plus, in general, even if you're not bothered by the sound of the word, it has a distinctly unfeminine sense to it. "Horn" is the penis. I haven't got a horn. So why would I be horny? I want something that reflects the female state of high-pitched sexual need. Or even better, one with unilateral usability.

So, what alternatives would you suggest? Or do we need to make up a new word? And if so, what should the new word be?

Join the Sugasm

Thanks, Sabrina, lovely moderatrix.

It's not every song that can accomplish something so intense. But here are a few that do it for me. Now tell me yours.

Top of the charts: PJ Harvey, "Dry"
I can not get through this song without my hips involuntarily starting to grind, no matter where I happen to be. The cracked, roughness of her voice as she's screaming "dry" at the end of the first and second verse and then slams into the most obscene, crude, loud slide guitar riff you've ever heard. God. Amazing.

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Other contenders:

Suede, "The Drowners"
A close second to PJ for me. I like the throbbing guitar in the opening riff, but what really does it for me is the bridge with that long, extended, shivering, undulating wail from Bernard Butler's guitar at the end. Take me right now, Bernard, you guitar god. Plus, the whole damn song around it just seethes and smolders. I highly recommend you fuck to this song right now, at top volume, with whomever you've got around. Don't make love. Fuck. That's what this song exists for.

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The Beatles, "Revolution"
The opening moments. The assault of the guitar. That scream. Yes. Yes. Now. Need I say more?

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More Beatles, "Girl"
That long, sharp intake of breath in the chorus. Pure, wordless, supressed want. When someone makes that sound about you, you know. When you make that sound, well... Either way, it's a very good thing.

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Pixies, "I Bleed"
Kim's pulsing bassline and her thin, beautiful wail, echoing under Black Francis in the opening. Oooh. Behind my smile, it shakes my teeth.

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Ride, "Like A Daydream"
There is a split second about two-thirds of the way into the midst of this incredible layered wall of noise and romantic pining where the song just slams to a halt and is totally silent except for this cymbal noise. And then kicks back in. In that one split second, I'm laid out flat. It's the most perfect break I've ever heard in a song. And the swelling music around it will send you to heaven and back.

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Prince, "When Doves Cry"
That Tuvan-throat-singer thing he does at the start of the song. I don't know what the hell it is, or why it's so stirring. But it just is. Sets up the whole rest of the mood for the song.

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Come on, ya'll. Gimme yours. What isolated musical moment gets you all worked into a tizzy?

Miss Syl (to CD shop hipster): I'm sorry, can you please tell me where I can find Barry Manilow CDs? I can't find where they are.

RSH (pretending she isn't laughing at me when clearly she is): Oh, sure! Do you want his latest CD?

Miss Syl: Uh, yeah.

RSH: Well, you can get it from the Barry that's standing right behind you.

Miss Syl (turning around to find a life-sized Barry Manilow cut out with an indentation inside his body to hold the CDs): Thanks.

RSH: No problem.

I feel dirty.

Anyway, my thoughts are all over the place, and at the moment, nothing I'm saying seems lucid. So hopefully I'll figure it out and get it all posted up for you fine people tomorrow.

In the meantime, I'll let Aretha sum it up for me.

'Night, people...

Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat I'm high maintenance. So I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage or whatever it is ya got goin' on there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me. --Clementine Kruczynski, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Seems like so many bloggers I'm reading lately are dealing with marriage issues or are pondering infidelity, either actually or theoretically. In a way, it makes coupledom seem pretty hopeless and kind of makes me glad I'm single. It seems so much easier to deal with in some ways (and of course harder in others).

In any case, I've been thinking a lot about monogamy, and if it has a place in the world anymore, and if a girl who's wired for it has any hope of finding a guy who is as well. What are the chances?

My first question is: Is monogamy as rare as it seems? Are humans as a species inherently hardwired to seek out other partners, regardless of their feelings for the person they're with?

The American media is certainly rife with dramas, comedies, books, and news items about people cheating on people. But does a staggeringly higher percentage of print and electronic stimuli focused on infidelity really prove what's going on in the actual world? Probably not. Seems to me the only thing it proves is we have a obsessive fascination with the topic, and the media wants to feed and profit off of it.

Then there's the stat out there that says only about five percent of mammals are monogamous, which is often held up as proof that human monogamy is unnatural. But hey, in the animal kingdom, most males also abandon their kids before or just after they're born, and though we humans have got a few deadbeats out there, I'd hardly say that most human males have the "natural instinct" to abandon their kids. So again, I don't think comparing ourselves to our mammal cousins necessarily proves anything.

And of course humans themselves will verify the stereotypes for you: males and females alike will say things like "men are dogs," etc. But history is filled with examples of terrible, false stereotypes that have hijacked the human imagination and held it for ransom for years before the truth can be rescued. Just because people believe it doesn't make it true.

No, for real evidence, you'd need some good statistical studies. Well, apparently there's very little of that. In doing some looking around the internet for such studies, you can find hardly anything. However, there seems to be one that is CONSISTENTLY quoted over and over again. Here's a representative excerpt from an article on Discovery Health online

One often-cited expert, Peggy Vaughan, author of 'The Monogamy Myth," estimates that 60 percent of husbands and 40 percent of wives will have an affair at some point in their marriage...

On her own website, Ms. Vaughan has very graciously put up the introduction to her book (scroll way down, past all the miles of promotional stuff). The 60/40 statistical reference appears there, as does her extended analysis of it (any emphasis is the author's).

The reality is that monogamy is not the norm, not by today's standards, anyway. Conservative estimates are that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages.

So why are so many people--including legitimate news sources--quoting this woman, anyway? Not one of them bothers to verify the claim of this WOMAN WHO IS TRYING TO SELL A BOOK ABOUT HOW INFIDELITY CAN BE STOPPED. Um, HELLO...wouldn't it be in her best interest to build paranoia? If the stats weren't that dire, why would anyone need her book?

Of course, it doesn't mean the statistic ISN'T true, either. But unless Peggykins can cough up some well-researched, unbiased representative sample study that she got this data from, I'm going to assume there's no reliability to her facts. Smacks strongly of the "a woman over 30 (or whatever it was) has a better chance of getting killed by a terrorist than getting married" misinformation/paranoia campaign.

Show me the evidence, Peggy, you oft-cited media ho! Oops, apologies, she isn't a ho. She doesn't like people to sleep around. I forgot.

Shockingly, besides Peggy Vaughan's ubiquitous citation, there is hardly anything out there from a reliable source that I could find in two days of internet searches--and I am the queen of internet research, I'll have you know. All I could find was this site, which lists some research stats they attribute to the Associated Press (which I find unlikely--is AP running a research branch now?). More likely AP was citing someone else, but I can't find the actual AP article this site refers to. Anyway, the site quotes AP as saying:

Twenty-two percent of men and 14 percent of women admitted to having sexual relations outside their marriage sometime in their past.

Ironically, the only other numbers I can find are actually from a USA Today article cited on...wait for it...Peggy Vaughan's site! Apparently it was titled "Affairs Rare Despite Rumored Popularity." The article is from 1998 and talks about an as-of-yet incomplete study that so far has found:

In spite of confessed sexual peccadilloes in Congress and the White House, not everybody is doing it.

The latest, still-unpublished research shows that about 24% of men and 14% of women have had sex outside their marriages. A national study of 5,000 men and women who have been married is under way at the Center for AIDS Prevention Studies at the University of California, San Francisco.

The findings closely match those of a prestigious 1994 study from the University of Chicago.

Anyway, so what does it all mean? Could a study ever really measure the truth of infidelity? After all, one person might think simply kissing a person outside the relationship is cheating, whereas another person might define "infidelity" solely as coitus outside of the relationship.

Ugh. Too much to think about.

So, what do you think? Which statistics are correct? Are any of them? Is infidelity the natural state of things? Is monogamy obsolete? Or are we allowing the widespread SUGGESTION that humans--especially men--can't be monogamous to create a world in where it's actually becoming a reality?

Tell me. I really need to know.

Nick Cave...dark and creepy. You're a bi-polar genius, with equal passion for the most degrading aspects of humanity, as well as the beauty & wonder of God and Heaven.

Which fucked-up genius composer are you?
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The best of the blogs by the bloggers who blog them, this week starting with the letter S. If you haven’t checked out the new FAQ, give it a look - it takes effect next week.

• Secret Audio Reads: Right Now (secretbrain.blogspot.com…)
• Sex in the News - Lit for the Clit (seskuality.com…)
• So, You Want to Touch My Pussy? (suburbansexpot.blogs.com…)
• Spanking Producers of Very Little Brain (adelehaze.com…)
• Sunday Afternoon - Part One (masterenigma.blogspot.com…)
• Supernova (barelace.blogspot.com…)
• Under the Table… (sexblogthis.blogspot.com…)
• Virtual Hotwife (theholidaylife.blogspot.com…)
• What’s wrong with this picture video? (realadultsex.com…)
• Why Are Lesbians So Sexy? (hotcouple.co.uk)
• The worst dating advice imaginable (hackingthebrain.com…)
• wow…Bear with me: all that loveliness made me all sentimental n stuff (vagueboy.com…)
• Ad Libitum (ambientstorm.blogspot.com…)
• After, it is silent… (damnjezebel.com…)
• After it Tickles (v-boat.blogspot.com…)
• Alone at My Parents’ House (secretsofadirtygirl.blogspot.com…)
• Artificial Pee (radicalvixen.com…)
• Belle Started Kissing Me (anawtymouz.blogspot.com…)
• Bound (gentlygently.blogspot.com…)
• A Pornographers Guide to Protecting Kids from Porn Online (sugarbank.com…)

More Sugasm…
Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

• Boy Pleasures Girl (seska4lovers.com…)
• Busty Cafe Review (internetisforporn.com…)
• A Casual Encounter–Seriously! Part II (damneddante.blogspot.com…)
• The Cautionary Tale of Numero Cinco, Melanie (inbedded.blogspot.com…)
• Every Day Orgasm (assistantmistress.blogspot.com…)
• Fantasy 1 (Part II) (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com…)
• ‘Flexiberry’ by Strawberry for IShotMyself.com… / Project ISM (sensualarousalblog.com…)
• For Mark Martin or for Us? (bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com…)
• Hard Fuck (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com…)
• Hotel Sex (sabrinainstockings.com…)
• How to Get Fucked by Gay Porn (sugarpit.com…)
• The Importance of Teamwork (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com…)
• Jane was asked what her greatest love was. (janeluvsdick.com…)
• KITKAST #1.17 - Attitudes, The Yum Yum Girlie Show and Condom Explosives (kitkast.com…)
• Lesbian Seduction on Sapphic Erotica (simply-sapphicerotica.com…)
• Lesson Learned (aliferestarted.blogspot.com…)
• Let Me Feel You Cum… (wetalksexblog.com…)
• Lust in Stereo (sexeteria.blogspot.com…)
• Lust on the Rocks with No Ice (everythingoze.blogspot.com…)
• Masturbate-A-Thon 2006 (spiritsex.blogspot.com…)
• Me and My Magic Wand (sin.typepad.com…)
• Model Alex (eroticandy.blogspot.com…)
• Moving Closer to Truth (deltaofvenus.blogspot.com…)
• New Contest: Win a 17 Inch Master Mechanic or Original BadAss (tirepaddle.com…)
• Not Very Many First Left… (whatsexmaycome.blogspot.com…)
• Odds & Ends: The Orgasmic Code (chaosnoir.blogspot.com…)
• Odd Sexual Experience (barbiebaby09.livejournal.com…)
• Oral Sex and Madame X (nakedloftparty.com…)
• Play with Orgasm Girl (sugarjoy.com…)
• Pool Party at Abby Winters (iloveabbywinters.com…)
• “Pornographers Are On Your Side” (fullfrontalpolitics.com…)
• Razor’s Edge (curvaceousdee.blogspot.com…)
• Tangled (tangysweet.blogspot.com…)

Ecstatic Seska photo courtesy of Seska For Lovers Fresh Blog.

Since I last wrote that post, I've been reading a lot of articles about chemical and neurological reactions related to love, lust, and sex in humans. I thought perhaps science could explain the wide variance on views on single- or multiple-partner sexuality. Did it? Yes and no. As usual, every answer brings up more questions and more things to ponder. While the facts remained relatively similar across different articles, every journalist's interpretation of the facts seemed to differ a bit, skewing the results to support either monogomous or non-monogamous theories. There are billions of articles on the topic, but I'll post and sum up a few key ones that I thought were most useful here.

First, a shorter one, "The Chemistry of Love" from the site How Stuff Works. (Note you have to click through to read the whole article). According to this article:

• During the initial romantic infatuation stage (let's call it the "lust" stage), the brain is primarily secreting dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine--chemicals that induce feelings of bliss, excitement, racing heart, sleeplessness, craving--all those things you feel when you're madly attracted to someone. At this time the parts of your brain with dopamine receptors are stimulated at an increased rate. (In most of the articles I read, these chemical responses are likened to cocaine.)



• During the phase where romantic love kicks in and sex is occurring, different chemicals begin to kick in. These are bonding-influencing chemicals like oxytocin and vasopressin, and are released during orgasm and focus your instinct on being with one particular person (in the prairie vole example explained later, they say these chemicals create a "scent imprint" that makes them recognize and stay with their partners--it's implied we probably do something similar).
  


• Interestingly, when oxytocin and vasopressin begin to be released, they actually INTERFERE with your dopamine and norepinephrine pathways--therefore building a stronger bond response (comfortable love) than a continual romantic love "rush" response.


• At this stage, endorphins show up (both during sex and during physical contact), making you feel all nice and warm and safe. People can become dependent on this.


• After about 2 to 3 years all of your "lust" chemicals fade out and all the "romantic bonding" chemicals continue to be released, assuming the couple is still having sex. But this is the stage where people "wake up" and realize their partner may not be as constantly enthralling as the "lust" chemicals made them think. The person him/herself hasn't changed, the chemicals that affect your drive toward them have changed.


• There's a monogamous mammal called the prairie vole. It's believed these mammals mate for life because they have oxytocin and vasopressin receptors. Other types of voles don't have these receptors, and are polyamorous.
  

• More info on the prairie vole studies, with further explanation of a distinctive feature of both vasopressin and oxytocin--"they are involved in parts of the brain that help to pick out the salient features used to identify individuals." In other words, if you don't have any of these chemicals, you can't differentiate between people. And again, how do prairie voles use these chemicals to identify other voles, and particularly their mates? Smell.


• It's also environmental: "...animals—people included—learn from their sexual and social experiences...Researchers think humans develop a “love map” as they grow up—a blueprint that contains the many things that they have learnt are attractive. This inner scorecard is something that people use to rate the suitability of mates. Yet the idea that humans are actually born with a particular type of “soul mate” wired into their desires is wrong. Research on the choices of partner made by identical twins suggests that the development of love maps takes time, and has a strong random component."

• They define love as having three distinct stages, lust, romantic love, and attachment: "Lust gets us on the hunt for potential mates, and romantic love narrows our focus and energy to just one person, while attachment encourages us to stick with this partner long enough to raise children."

• Dopamine and norepinephrine, the "lust" chemicals do begin to fade over the course of a romantic love and attachment phases, as the "cuddle chemicals" vasopressin and oxytocin take hold.



• But wait! Dopamine and norepinephrine levels can be resurrected! According to the article, the level of these chemicals surges every time we're confronted with the unknown. So that means...inject new adventures into the relationship, and lust can rises again.


• They imply things as simple to attain as humor and sex can raise your dopamine levels. Even more dopamine inducing: separation (you want it but you can't have it), and fights. And overall, the key is to seek out "novel and stimulating experiences" to share together.
  


• A glitch: a couple's sense of "novel and stimulating" has to match, or this doesn't work. "People normally differ in the degree to which they seek stimulation. But the most enduring couples, it turns out, are those whose natural levels of sensation seeking, whether high, low or in between, are very closely aligned."


• The best combination for lasting bliss is apparently two low sensation seekers. Two high sensation seekers are okay but may be too interested in variety to ensure a lasting union. "Still, the worst combination is high-low, because they just don't understand each other's interests." (See the article for a definition of what high and low sensation seekers are like.)


• Another glitch: A lower sensation seeker might seem higher than he/she is when he/she is experiencing the adrenaline rush of the lust stage. "It's when the sex becomes routine that problems occur. Initially there can be a great attraction between a high [-level] and a low [-level]. And only later may they realize how fundamentally different they are."


• New topic: SMELL. You've got one. No one else has got yours. Everyone's got their own smell, based on their immune system makeup. So no matter how good someone might look on paper, if they don't smell good to you, you're not gonna be able to bond romantically to them, and vice versa.
• REALLY interesting: According to this, the birth control pill can make women choose the wrong scented person. Because the pill simulates pregancy, the woman's olfactory system looks for a protective scent, and often goes for a man who has a "father" or "brother" scent. "A few years into marriage, a woman may stop using birth control only to find herself less interested in her mate without knowing why."

And can a reasonably high-sensation girl ever get a friggin' boyfriend that doesn't eventually bore her to death (not that I need to know this one *personally* or anything...look up...whistle...don't be obvious...)?

Please let me know what you think.

Whew. I'm spent. Someone gimme a dopamine injection.

In my country, we are now living in times where this is necessary.

I want to cry. And I want to hurt someone.

The most terrifying aspect of democracy is that people can actually be stupid enough to vote to have their freedoms taken away.

I'm begging everyone: please pay attention to what's going on out there, and scream your fucking heads off about it. Not just about this. About all of it--about every insidious little inroad that's being taken to whittle away at your right to speak, think, love, and live freely. We need to act now before it's too late.

(link originally found via Susie Bright's blog)

Wanted to point out that there are a number of other people who have picked up the baton of this ongoing post and developed interesting discussions of their own, all of which are worth checking out. Here they are, in order of my discovery of them:

"Too much to say about monogamy, too late at night" over at Figleaf's Real Adult Sex--others share their opinions on the topic.

"ma-nah-ga-me" by birdman over at Doing What Comes Naturally--an interesting list of ways to spice up a monogamous relationship (including developing senility!).

"monogamy as a social construct?" on Livejournal's polyamory community blog (who knew?)

"The Road to Hell" at Always Aroused Girl--a great discussion of what "counts" as "breaking the rules" of monogamy, and just what the rules are, anyway.

"M is for Monogamy" over at Damn Jezebel's diary--explaining how she came to develop a monogamous preference after a non-monogamous lifestyle.

I haven't been able to comment on everyone's--it's been a really busy week. But I've thoroughly enjoyed reading all of them and I'm very glad about the exchange of ideas everyone's having. Seems I've hit a nerve. I wonder if it's always been such a raw one, or if something in recent times has made it moreso...

The best of the blogs by the bloggers who blog them, this week starting with the letter H:

• Hickeys on Display (seska4lovers.com…)
• HNT - On Display (sabrinainstockings.com…)
• Holding the Reins, Part One (mouthybitch.blogspot.com…)
• Housewife 1 on 1 Review (internetisforporn.com…)
• How it All Started (tinastrangeworld.blogspot.com…)
• How to find someone’s clitoris (if you don’t already know) (realadultsex.com…)
• I Feel Excited… (darkdaughta.blogspot.com…)
• I Love My Buttplug (suburbansexpot.blogs.com…)
• I’m Kinky; You’re Just Sick (adelehaze.com…)
• Is This a Sexy Post? (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com…)
• I Want You (theholidaylife.blogspot.com…)
• Letter #F9 to Her (anawtymouz.blogspot.com…)
• The Liberator (sin.typepad.com…)
• A Little More on Teamwork (shaysotherspot.blogspot.com…)
• Meeting M (v-boat.blogspot.com…)
• Michelle Medina (eroticandy.blogspot.com…)
• Mind Blowing (whatsexmaycome.blogspot.com…)
• Monogamania 2: In a Chemical World…Or, Where Did the Lust Go? (sexeteria.blogspot.com…)
• My Fantasy (sexinga.blogspot.com…)
• Are You as Tall as Your Penis? (sugarbank.com…)
• My First Time… Pt 1 (secretsofadirtygirl.blogspot.com…)
• My First Woman, a Fantasy… (aliferestarted.blogspot.com…)
• Need to Feed (hornynurse.livejournal.com…)
• Nightclubbing (gentlygently.blogspot.com…
• Parking. Not Just for Teenagers. (domequeen.blogspot.com…)
• A Quick Tease (4dirtylaundry.blogspot.com…)
• Realistic Virtual Tifa Finally Created (sugarjoy.com…)
• Sex Ed 101 (sexyukgirl.blogspot.com…)
• Sex Trick #9 - Lip Service (creamonpants.com…)
• Slurpee King (radicalvixen.com…)
• Snatch (chaosnoir.blogspot.com…)
• Sorry I’m Not a Virgin, Sorry I’m Not a Slut… (redvelvetropeburn.blogspot.com…)
• Thank God Reality TV has Asian Sluts too… (hawaiianwhores.blogspot.com…)
• Theirs is a Perfect Relationship (janeluvsdick.com…)
• Tie Me Up (destinedgreatness.blogspot.com…)
• The Vixxen Chronicles - Walking Funny, Pt 1 (unfetteredcravings.blogspot.com…)
• What DH Thought (barbiebaby09.livejournal.com…)
• You Have Probably Been in a Porn Film (sugarpit.com…)
• Airborne and Evil… Part II (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com…)
• Anal Sex (hotcouple.co.uk)
• Approaching an Internet Porn Star (seskuality.com…)
• Choose a Cock to Doodle (sexblo.gs)
• Coed Dorm Tales: Secret Girl’s First Orgasm with a Woman (omyfirstorgasm.blogspot.com…)
• The Cock Interviews: A Secret Brain Special Report (secretbrain.blogspot.com…)
• Confession #4 (easilyaroused.co.uk)
• Creative Spanked Wife (Review) (sugarclick.com…)
• Dirty Show Cowgirls (tirepaddle.com…)
• Do You Trust Me? (damnjezebel.com…)
• Gushing and More Gushing (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com…)
• Erotica Verite (jundercovers.blogspot.com…)
• Fat Bottomed Girl (deltaofvenus.blogspot.com…)
• Female Genitalia: Dirty Entymology (barelace.blogspot.com…)
• First Time - Part One (masterenigma.blogspot.com…)

More Sugasm…
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The experience is one of intense longing...This hunger is better than any other fullness; this poverty better than all other wealth. And thus it comes about, that if the desire is long absent, it may itself be desired, and that new desiring becomes a new instance of the original desire...The human soul was made to enjoy some object that is never fully given - nay, cannot even be imagined as given - in our present mode of subjective and spatio-temporal experience. --C.S. Lewis

Do you know what I mean?

If you don't (or if you do), here's the soundtrack to illustrate.


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Something more coherent tomorrow, I promise.

And here I've always hated Microsoft. Guess it's true the less you want 'em, the more they want you.

Thought #1:
I began to notice that most of the polyamorous people who were writing in all seemed to have one person they thought of as their "true mate," and others who they slept with outside of that relationship. I'm wondering if that's the preferred state for most people--to have one love bond, but to have some side action. It's interesting, because you'd think if you wanted to be truly polyamorous, you'd not want ONE of anything, including a marriage or committed one-on-one relationship. Or rather, you'd be single, sleeping with many. And yet that seems not to be the case for most of the polyfolks. What do you all think? Is the ideal a soulmate, with benefits? Or completely open, unbound relationships for all?

Thought #2:
The always insightful Figleaf was pointing out to me in an email:

Since stereotypes say men are sperm-spewing,conscienceless animals we wallpaper over those who have no problem with monogamy. Pussywhipped. No ambition. Maybe a closet homosexual. Scared to have fun. Really religious! All these excuses we make to protect our stereotypes! WTF is that about anyway?

Survey responses from the married men painted a positive picture of marriage - 94 percent said they were happier married than single, and 73 percent said their sex life was better. From a story in the Arizona Republic.

According to a large-scale national study, married people have both more and better sex than do their unmarried counterparts. Not only do they have sex more often but they enjoy it more, both physically and emotionally. From Rutgers University's National Marriage Project research center.

So why this prevailing attitude that marriage/monogamy is a "trap" for men?

Thought #3:
In a related thought, I want to hearken back to another discussion that went on at Figleaf's blog a while back, which may have been the initial catalyst for my post, after I let it marinate for a while. You can find the post and responses here. The main post's question was really, "If partners gave each other the permission to have sex outside the relationship, would that quell their desire to do so?" But in reading all the comments and discussion after the question was posed, I remember I really reacted strongly to seeing people referring to the person who wanted a monogamous relationship as "holding the leash," and the suggestion that it might be possible that, "the more exclusivity one demands, the greater the risk [of the person sleeping with someone else without telling you]," or the possibility that "giving each other permission not to be [100% monogamous] makes it [monogamy] less painful."

It's not the actual suppositions people were making, but just the descriptors. Monogamy as being "leashed," "a demand," or "painful." I think it bothered me because I've never really viewed monogamy as any of those things. To me it was a compliment, not a burden. That person wanted me above all others, and I wanted him. We weren't sacrificing, we were WANTING. And what we wanted was each other, most of all. I never felt my partner's belief I would be monogamous was a "demand." I thought it was a mutual understanding, a shared feeling of love and fidelity. I never felt "leashed," or that I was "leashing" my partner--I wanted to be there, and I assumed he did too, or would have spoken up. And while relationships in general are not always easy, and I've had my troubles along with everyone else, I never felt that staying committed to someone was "painful." Well, actually, that's not true. I did ultimately find my long-term committed relationship to be painful (though not because I wanted to sleep with someone else), but when I did find it so, we ended it.

So--as to me...what do I think is right, mono- or -poly? Neither, really. I think it depends on the people, the circumstances, the agreements and guidelines made, etcetera. But I do think there have to be clear guidelines and expectations set up front, which both partners can agree to (assuming it's a two-partner agreement). And it's not fair to change the rules mid-stream and not discuss it. I think most everyone who's talked about it here or on other blogs agrees with these.

And I also think that if anyone is walking into either situation, monogamy or polyamory, thinking it's a "trap," a "leash," or "painful,"--or if they thought they'd be okay with it but then find instead it's any of those things for them, well, I think that they have a responsibility to speak up, be honest, and take themselves elsewhere if ultimately they can't get what they want. If you're feeling trapped in any relationship, it's not right for you. But that's only my opinion, of course. My longest relationship was six years. I probably have no right and not enough understanding of lengthy marriages to lecture to you long-time-marrieds. But to me, on the outside, it looks pretty clear-cut, really.

Which do I think is right for me? I just don't know anymore. I'm at a stage where I'm having to evaluate a whole slew of assumptions that I once held as true in my life. I'm not sure where I'll end up, but I'm sure it'll be interesting finding out. Lately, though, I've been thinking a lot about WHY we want to be with one person. Or why we want marriage and children. I'm not asking this because I think they're bad choices. But I'm just saying, what about this: If you were able to be absolutely sure that you would never catch an STD, you'd always have loving friends, and you had absolute certainty that at the end of your life, you would not end up alone or impoverished, and you would be well cared for-- would you care about getting married? Having kids? Having multiple lovers? Having one special lover? Living alone or in groups?

Right now, to me, that seems to be the most honest litmus test for figuring out what you really want. If you'd answer, "Yes, I'd care if I did/didn't have one monogamous partner," or "Yes, I'd care if I had/never had kids, or "I'd never/still want to get married if I knew that was going to be the case," then you know what you really want. Of course we don't have any guarantees that we won't die alone and friendless if we're not in a monogamous marriage. But we don't have any guarantees that our spouses won't leave us or die either, or that our kids or friends will still be around when we're old.

We just don't know what can happen. Ever. So to choose a lifestyle other than the one you know deep down in your heart you'd want if you weren't scared--that just can't be the right thing to do. Can it?

The tricky part, though, is knowing whether you really know how to answer those questions honestly.

So here goes:

Technique #118: Knead his penis between both your hands as though it were a piece of dough. (Syl says: That's all she wrote. Note this is NOT rolling it between your palms--that's a different entry.)

Technique #121: Make two rings with the thumb and index finger or each hand. Place them next to each other in the middle of his shaft. Gently pull outward in both directions at once.

Technique #150: Try using a strong mint-flavored mouthwash just before you get into bed. Your tangy tongue and mouth on his delicate penile skin will cause quite a sensation. (Syl says: to me, this sounds akin to eating chilis and then trying to give someone a blowjob--youch--but what do I know?)

Afterthought: By the way, for those who are interested in a whole-book review, though I'm saying it didn't have a huge amount of new info for me, this *is* actually a good book. I can understand why my friend liked it. It's really the perfect little nightstand companion for women who have not had the opportunity or luck to have experienced a lot of sexual variety with their partners, or may have difficulty talking about sex or are intimidated to ask for suggestions from their lovers. It'd also be good (along with a companion volume on pleasing a woman, of course!) for any slightly more vanilla-tending hetero couple who want to make their sex lives a just little racier, without going into superfreak terrain.

The author understands women's worries and concerns about sex, and addresses them with an open, friendly, and encouraging style. St. Claire never condescends to her (presumably) less-experienced audience, either. Instead, she presents her ideas both gently and with salacious descriptive enthusiasm in a way that is sure to get even the most intimidated women's loins all a tinglin'. She also gives women ego-boosting self-esteem and body-loving pep talks and techniques at the beginning of the book, which of course is a crucial factor in getting a woman to feel confident enough to be more wanton in bed (Hear that boys? Tell her she's hot all the time, especially when she's naked, if you want her to get hotter in bed!). Clearly St. Claire likes sex, and she likes the women she's talking to, and she likes men, and she wants all of us to have hotter, more passionate sex lives.

In terms of information provided: all the basic sex acts are included with detailed instructions, plus a number of non-threatening variations on each of these acts, and then a few techniques are thrown in for each that *just* verge on the freaky, but not so much so that the more timid types would get weirded out. Go Olivia.

Oh and ladies: If you're thinking, "I'd love to have that book, but I just couldn't put it on my bookshelf," no worries. The hardcover is actually designed so that if you take off the paper cover, the book front, back, and spine are entirely unmarked. To the undiscerning eye, it'd just look like a journal or an address book. Very discreet. Smart publishers.

Tonight, I asked this guy in Whole Foods if they had any fresh coconut and he insisted on accompanying me to where they were and then he insisted on showing me (actually using one of their coconuts) how to poke it in its soft spot and suck out the juice. I mean, he did this all in front of me, and drank from the coconut and everything. Drained it dry. And then he slammed it on the floor in a very manly way to show me how you could crack it open without a cleaver. And then he gave me a different coconut and wrote "free" on it's sticker with a magic marker and told me I didn't have to pay for it. Two coconuts totally lost from the profit margin.

And then also, about a week ago, I was leaving a Spanish restaurant and my waiter came running up and gave me a bottle of imported olive oil. Just randomly.

Do you think there's something strange conspiracy going on here? Why are men in the service industry giving me fat-laden food products?

And if it's gonna be a trend, I seriously need to consider going somewhere where I can score some free paté or something even pricier.

(No, it's not about sex, but you know, might as well share my latest musing. And it *is* about food, and this *is* a Sexeteria.)

This is a quick but revealing TV spot on what the climate is in South Dakota that created the abortion ban. The highlight is about halfway through, when State Senator Bill Napoli describes in pornographic, sadistic detail how "bad" a virgin would have to be raped in order for him to "make an exception."

There are those out there who think sex bloggers are sick and twisted. Please. This guy, and the people who voted for him, are what the world needs to worry about, not us. Can humans really think this way? Can they be that misguided, ignorant, and hateful?

I can't see them, but I know there are people there. I'm standing alone in this circular room, surrounded by darkened windows, and I can hear the electric whir of privacy screens as they keep rolling up again and again. They're looking. At me. But I can't look back. There's just a dark, intense presence surrounding me on all sides, that feels like eyes. Watching. Taking in. Staring. Assessing my performance. Many, many hidden pairs of eyes.

I can tell from the daily stats that people are coming into the booths every day, every hour, just watching me, listening to me, waiting for me to whisper all these dirty secrets to them that they want to hear. Saying nothing. I can just about make out their breathing through the intercoms, but only a very few people actually speak up and talk back to me.

I see the numbers. It's been two months I've been working this show, and they tell me certain people keep coming back to watch me, and I wonder who they are. What they think. Why they don't talk. If they like what they see.

It's a bit unnerving, really...sometimes in a good way. But sometimes, you just want to say...

Who are you? Are you out there? Say something. Tell me.

So today, I was thinking of various friends and deciding if I was only allowed one word, ever, to epitomize them, what would that one word would be. Then, when I decided on a word for a particular person, I looked it up on an online dictionary/thesaurus, and sent the link to that friend so they could click and see what word they were to me in my personal emotional dictionary. I encourage you to try it. It's a nice little present you can give people that makes them happy (assuming you don't choose something like "fetid" for them) and it doesn't cost anything. Plus, it keeps your vocabulary and brain active, too.

But now, I put the question out to you, too, so I can get to know you better.

So if you could us ONLY ONE word-to-end-all-words to describe yourself, what would it be?

And just out of sheer egocentric curiosity, if you were to choose one word for me, what would that be?

My word to describe myself: chiaroscuro (Or would it be "chiaroscura," since I'm female?)

"The art or practice of so arranging the light and dark parts as to produce a harmonious effect."

And yes, I know it's not an adjective. That's allowed. Describe yourself as a conjunction, for all I care. Just has to be one word.

P.S. If you want some extra credit: What one word do you think others who know you would choose for you?

Posts with NSFW pics are in italics. Keep in mind NSFW pic labeling is just for photos/layout images on the specific page linked. Pretty much everything here is NSFW, but you like it like that.

Announcements/Blogging
The Partistes (seska4lovers.com…)
Shibaricon: World’s Premiere Annual Pansexual Exhibition 2006 (spiritsex.blogspot.com…)

Stat-Aholic (shaysotherspot.blogspot.com…)
SugarClick Launched (sugarbank.com…)

Experiences
The Dreaded Scottish Cockblock (jundercovers.blogspot.com…)

The Four of Us (herknees.org…)
Killing an Afternoon (secretsofadirtygirl.blogspot.com…)
Losing M (v-boat.blogspot.com…)
Resistance is Futile (avaadora.blogspot.com…)

Underground (domequeen.blogspot.com…)

Fantasies
Eagle (barbiebaby09.livejournal.com…)
Exhaling (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com…)

Hot Sugar and Wet Silk (tangysweet.blogspot.com…)
On the Dock (Fiction) (bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com…)
Saturday with Adele (theholidaylife.blogspot.com…)

Stormy Night (gentlygently.blogspot.com…)
Tandem Massages (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com…)
25 Words or Less (contains NSFW pics if you scroll down) (realadultsex.com…)

Babysitter (drtycplinva.blogspot.com…)
Body Language (chaosnoir.blogspot.com…)
Can I Play with it Now? (4dirtylaundry.blogspot.com…)

Funny
Jane likes to teeter totter. (janeluvsdick.com…)
Santorum (radicalvixen.com…)
This is what Happens… (damnjezebel.com…)

We All Have AIDS (sugarpit.com…)
The Cock Interviews: Part Two (secretbrain.blogspot.com…)

Fetish & BDSM
A Long Hot Soak and Burning Candles (redvelvetropeburn.blogspot.com…)

Interesting Interactions (lifeashis.com…)
New Elena Spanking Pics (tirepaddle.com…)
On a Power Trip (whatsexmaycome.blogspot.com…)
The Perfect Fetish Photo (adelehaze.com…)

“The sweetest thing I ever saw, was you asleep and dreaming.” (eternalapprentice.blogsome.com…)
Choices - Part Three (masterenigma.blogspot.com…)

NSFW Pics
House of Babalon (eroticandy.blogspot.com…)

Looking Down (barelace.blogspot.com…)
O azul… // The blue one… (camadecasal.blogspot.com…)
Anal Advocate (sexyukgirl.blogspot.com…)

Aurora Snow, Gauge and a Dildo. Pure Magic. (internetisforporn.com…)

Sex Advice / Sex Toys / Sexy Reviews
Oh Boys… May I Experiment on You? (sexeteria.blogspot.com…)
One Hefty Dose of Butch, Black, Silicone Bliss (suburbansexpot.blogs.com…)

Pretty Dumb Things (sugarclick.com…)
Sex Toys Must Have (creamonpants.com…)
Tips for Going Bare (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com…)
The Blind Jockey (sin.typepad.com…)

Sex Commentary / Sexual Politics
Lara Drops to a C Cup (sugarjoy.com…)
Porn You Wish They’d Make (sabrinainstockings.com…)
Sex in the News - Blog-a-Thon by Blank Noise Project (seskuality.com…)

2257 and Sweet Pink Activist Cunt (fullfrontalpolitics.com…)

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Join the Sugasm

But it was your eyes watching for my reaction that gave him away.

It was your eyes that I looked away from shyly, when I said, yes, that might be the wisest thing to do. Pretending to be calm.

As we walked out of the theater lobby, it was his body that held open the door for me, but it was your palm I felt lightly touch the small of my back, guiding me through, onto the dark street.

His arm hailed the cab. And it was his arm that removed itself politely, nervously onto his lap to make room for me on the seat as I moved in, seemingly innocently close. His body language saying, “Trust me” and “I’ll be good.” But it was your outer thigh that I let every dangerous swerve of the cab bring my own thigh closer to, until we were touching, thighs brushing, pressing, just barely, over and over. His hands, kept nervously in his lap. Your arm, skimming against my side, just feeling the hint of the curve of my breast. His eyes, focused on my face as he attempted to make conversation to distract himself. Your eyes, glancing down to see more.

At his studio, his voice nervously offering things. Coffee, water, wine, TV, music, book…a big, chaste, well-worn band t-shirt to sleep in, so I didn’t have to mess up my dress. And then suddenly your voice, sending shivers through all the comfort offerings, suggesting I might be more comfortable with the bed than on the couch.

It was to your voice that I said, yes, that sounded better.

It was he who suggested that he turn off the light before I undressed, so I didn’t have to be embarrassed. So he couldn’t see me change. And it was your eyes I felt watching the outlines of my body in the dark room, taking off my stockings, garter, undoing my dark hair so it fell loose around my shoulders. Your eyes I felt burning on my skin as they watched me unzip my black dress, quickly…letting you see for just a moment what it would be like…a blur of glowing white body, the arch of a back, arms raised, a hint of full breasts lifting, before the t-shirt dropped down to obscure it all.

It was he who was lying motionless in the bed, chest bare, but with boxers on, pretending he hadn’t seen anything. Turned on his side toward me, with his eyes pretending to be closed. It was his body that I got in next to, me wearing his white t-shirt and my black panties—a thin barrier of chastity. Me turning on my side, my back to him, his front to me, but very, very far away. Making him feel he had to be good.

It was you I could feel burning next to me, wanting me, making me wet.

I waited until he fell asleep.

And when he was gone, it was you I started touching.

I'll be your mirror Reflect what you are, in case you don't know I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset The light on your door to show that you're home

Meanwhile, in both brain and body, these people are scintillating. Do they look like models? No. They’re beautiful in an entirely different way. A better way, as far as I’m concerned. I’m going to come up short in explaining this. But for lack of a better way of expressing it, it’s “inside/out” beauty. The blog lets you see some of their inner selves, the wondrous combination of confidence, intelligence, insecurity, self-protectiveness, talent, silliness, arrogance, sadness, happiness, and wonder about the world. And that, once expressed, then glows through their photographs for us, making them luminous; at times almost painfully lovely to look at.

In a just world, everyone would be able to see everyone else in this way.

That it’s not a just world in this way has been a painful reality for me all my life.

I mean, I get it. I get why they’re all surprised. They thought people couldn’t see them. Or still can’t.

Probably they’ve never had the opportunity to have many people be able to see both parts of them at once. I mean, you really can’t win either way, the way things are in the world in relation to beauty. You’re either physically hot, or you have a nice personality. You don’t get both. It’s like people have this filter--they simply can’t see both at once. Or, when on the rare occasion both seem to manage to come through, you hear stupid things like, “The best thing about her is that she’s gorgeous, but she's so nice/smart/etc.—she has no idea how hot she is.”

As if, because you’re physically beautiful, you have to be empty of positive personality traits. And, of course, conversely, if you have positive personality traits, you can’t be beautiful. They don’t go together.

And no one, no one wants to admit that someone outside the norm of beauty, say someone fat, or scarred, or etc. could actually be beautiful. Even though, if that filter wasn’t there, you’d be able to see it.

I seem to be able to lift that filter for others. But not for myself.

I’ve recognized a weird phenomenon in myself of late. Throughout my life, a good number of people have often told me I’m pretty. Some even called me beautiful. I never believed any of them. I tended (well, still tend) to think of myself as “cute” at best (a word/concept which I hate), but really the kind of darker, more ethnic looking girl who gets completely ignored when the tall, willowy blonde walks in the room. The sidekick. The smart girl who makes the insightful comments while her friend ends up with the romantic lead. You know, the kind of girl who, when you’re setting a friend up on a date with, you mention she has a “nice personality” by way of an apology for her not being hotter.

Meanwhile, I have these weird epiphany moments of looking back at old pictures. In my 20s, I found a photo of myself at about 14 or 15 and was shocked. I mean, I couldn’t believe it. In the photo I looked…well, stunning, really. (As an aside, I’m cringing here. I still feel completely ashamed to say this. I feel like readers will think I think I’m something special, but trust me, I don’t.)

I didn’t recognize myself as that at all when I was 15. And as a 20-something looking at that photo, I remember thinking, “If only I’d realized then how beautiful I was…too bad it’s too late now.” And then I went along in my 20s the same way I did in my teens. I never exactly told myself I was ugly, but I just wouldn’t allow myself to believe I was anything too special or alluring to anyone. Now I’m in my 30s. And I look back at photos of myself when I was in my 20s and have the same shock of recognition. And again, I think, “If only I’d realized...” I think of the power I would have had, feeling confident in both my body and soul. In knowing it wasn’t arrogant to be both beautiful inside and out—of knowing each fed the other—and that it was okay to be proud of it.

My body keeps changing with each decade. And with each change, I continue to think it’s making me less of what I was, and it’s too late to catch up to how I should have felt about myself. And it seems I can only ever appreciate how beautiful I am from a past perspective, not in the present.

Why could I never believe anyone? I found anyone who expressed the opinion that my body or face was beautiful to be highly suspect. Maybe I thought they could only see that, and wouldn’t be interested in the rest. Maybe I worried that if I allowed myself to admit I was physically pretty, it meant no one would believe I had any substance behind it. But then, ironically, when I got myself into relationships with people who could only appreciate the substance part, they ultimately got around to showing me in one way or another that they thought I wasn’t beautiful enough.

Obviously the missing piece is I have to think of myself as inside/out beautiful without reference to anyone else’s opinion, if I want anyone else to see me that way.

So why can’t I catch up? I really don’t want to be 40-something and thinking I wasted my 30s not allowing myself to feel I’m everything I really am. That I’m inside/out beautiful, like everyone else.

I don’t think a lot of people have ever seen me inside/out. I’m not sure even I’ve ever been able to see myself that way, except for in rare split milliseconds of moments, before something or someone makes it disappear again.

But I'm really glad those other bloggers have finally been able to see it in themselves.

Do you see it in yourself? I hope so. Because it's there.

When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you

Even though it's probably a result most people wouldn't think was very nice, I like it. At least no one can claim I'm a fair-weather anything.

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous People will stop and watch you when you appear Even though you're capable of random violence You are best known for: your power Your dominant state: performing

With that in mind, I'm tackling this meme I found on AlwaysArousedGirl, who got it from Darkneuro, both of whom I should thank for the good idea.

I really don't want to post this. So that's why I'm going to. Feel free to try it yourself, too.

(And also it kind of reminds me of the whole concept behind Postsecret, which I absolutely adore.)

So. here goes.

List ten things you want to say to people you know but you never will, for whatever reason.

Use each person only once.

1. I think you are a weak man; you didn’t have the stamina to stand up for me when it really mattered. I always felt people thought I was too smart and too intense for you, and I constantly felt like I had to justify you to them. But deep down I agreed with them. You were never enough for me, either sexually or intellectually. That's why we really broke up, not because you lied. I just pretended to myself and to you that that was the real reason so I could feel less shallow.


2. I've had recurring dreams where you're aggressively hitting on me. I never like it. That freaks me out.


3. I had a dream where we were having sex. I liked it. That freaks me out.


4. I know it's not fair, but I don't care. I *do* blame you. I feel like you set me up like a lamb to the slaughter. And then when I was bleeding and needed you most, you left me to take care of myself. Part of me just can't stop hating you for this. Sometimes I feel physical revulsion when I think about you. Stop trying to get me to reassure you it wasn’t your fault. It’s not my job to reassure you or protect you. That was your job, and you failed.


5. In my whole life, you were the only person who I ever really thought I could feel anything close to real, true, transcendent, unadulterated love for, even though I never told you because I was certain you'd leave me. I yearned for you for a long time after we split up, though I never told you that, either. Some small part of me may still be in love with you even now. I hate that. I wish that part would shrivel up and die.


6. You were absolutely right. Part of why I moved far away was to get away from you. More than once, I’ve fantasized about what it would be like if you died, because I think that's the only way I'll feel completely free from all your crap.
   


7. Talking to you makes me hope for things I’m terrified I’ll never get.
8. I'm jealous that you have a life I'm not even sure I want.


9. I'm sorry. I feel like an evil person for what I did to you. I hope you're okay now.


10. I knew you liked me. I pretended I was clueless because I was afraid. Now I realize what a huge mistake that was.

Hm. I feel like this list looks really imbalanced, because it doesn't have a lot of positive things. But I never keep the good things I want to say to people inside. I always share those. So, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) it's only the negative things that made the list.

How anyone can think after the first time a woman has had sex that the "bloom is off the rose?" It makes no sense to me that a girl should be considered to be in "full bloom" before she's had the benefit of mature, satisfying sexual experience. Or, having reached that state of powerful sexual knowledge and expression, that she would be considered a dry, lifeless stalk. Could anything be further from the truth?

To me, growing up, virginity was just a state of being, that I knew eventually I would transition from, into a state of further knowledge and experience. I never thought of the end of virginity as the end of something pure or sacred that I could never get back. Quite the opposite--I saw it as something that would blossom into something else lovely-- a different, but equally as sacred state of being.

It's time for us to drop the whole "deflowering" concept. The imagery behind it is ugly and violent, indicating death or something being purposely destroyed of it's life essence. And that just isn't what happens to women.

Instead, let's take back the whole flower image and make it new. Let's say that in her very early youth, a woman is a delicate, fresh, new, wet bud, just pushing itself up new from the earth, putting its feelers out into the world and getting to know itself. And slightly later on, she's a full, almost-matured bud, bursting with the energy to become something new and dazzling.

And when she has awakened into her sexuality, and holds the knowledge of the full range of her sexual power and allure--when she is fully aware of all the sensations her lush, marvelous body can evoke in herself and others--let's say THAT'S when she's in full, spectacular, alluring bloom.

And, bearing that all of us are growing and blooming in this way, it brings me to a question.

If your sexual being could be represented by a specific flower or plant, what would it be? (Men can answer, too, about themselves--or about the women in their lives.) Go on. Tell us all how pretty you all are.

Funny Last Night Jane Was Spoiled (janeluvsdick.com…)

Metal Gear Friday (sugarjoy.com…)

Pornstar Grandad’s Secret: Topical Garlic (tgp.com…)
Red Eye (radicalvixen.com…)

NSFW Pics
Met Models: Zyta (ethnorotica.com…)

Pool Party at Abby Winters (iloveabbywinters.com…)
Saturday Babes (internetisforporn.com…)
Sexy Tomiko (eroticandy.blogspot.com…)
Erotica-Obscura (sexblo.gs)

Film Fridays 15 - Luck O’ The Irish (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com…)
HNT #8 (barelace.blogspot.com…)

Fetish and BDSM
A Morning School Fantasy (adelehaze.com…)

Seven Messy Girls on Abby Winters (sensualarousalblog.com…)
Commit to Crossing the Threshold (masterenigma.blogspot.com…)
Foot Fetish Photoset (sexyukgirl.blogspot.com…)
Interview with Sexy Kittens (tirepaddle.com…)

Sex News and Commentary / Sexual Politics

Lexington Steele Daintily Dips Heterosexual Toes in Not-Gay Water (sugarpit.com…)
The New Porn Apartheid - Luke Fords Rebuttal Rebutted (sugarbank.com…)
South Dakota Paper Bans Abortion Opinion (susiebright.blogs.com…)
Top 5 Disappointments and Surprises While Watching Porn (suburbansexpot.blogs.com…)

Body Image and Sexual Risk Taking (seskuality.com…)
Girls Warned Not to ‘Go Wild’ on Spring Break (spiritsex.blogspot.com…)

Dermaphoria Fever (sabrinainstockings.com…)
A Game For New (And Old) Lovers (cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com…)
I am Shocked, Amazed, and Bewildered! (philosophyofbeing.blogspot.com…)

Experiences

The Mind Blowing Blowjob (herknees.org…)
My 1st Shave by the Teacher… (dirtygirlsthoughts.blogspot.com…)
Niagara Fantasy (sexinga.blogspot.com…)
Separated Only by Distance (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com…)

True Secret: Two Firsts in New York (secretbrain.blogspot.com…)
Webcam Solo Sex (seska4lovers.com…)
Why I Started Liking Math (shaysotherspot.blogspot.com…)
Coffee, Tea, or… (bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com…)

Deeper, deeper, inside, inside (anawtymouz.blogspot.com…)
Diary of a Debauched Man (theholidaylife.blogspot.com…)
I Had No Intentions… pt 1 (damnjezebel.com…)

Fantasies & Fiction

Lecherous (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com…)
Lesbian Seduction on Sapphic Erotica (simply-sapphicerotica.com…)
My Ache for You (aliferestarted.blogspot.com…)
Overwhelmed (sin.typepad.com…)

Talking Dirty (drtycplinva.blogspot.com…)
Threesome (sexeteria.blogspot.com…)
Wake (mycyberaffair.blogspot.com…)
Fingers (v-boat.blogspot.com…)

More Sugasm…

Join the Sugasm

"Come." Used as a command: Sit. Stay. Come. Being at someone's mercy. You can't help yourself. You're compelled to follow his/her orders.

"I'm coming." The sense of one person moving into another's space. When called from another room, your lover calls back, "I'm coming..." And then he/she is there, with you.

"He came." "She came." The rush of knowing you're desired. You're at the party, hoping he/she will show up. Hoping he/she wants you enough to make an effort. And then someone whispers in your ear, "He came." "She came." And you're suddenly flushed with pleasure and nervous expectation of what will happen next. The air in the space between you crackling with electricity.

"Come for me." The bare exposure of one's need, the desire to not be abandoned or lonely. Yearning for connection. Calling across a distance: I'm alone here. Come for me.

"Come inside me." "I want to come inside you." The sense of giving everything you are to someone. Saying to someone, or having someone say to you: "You don't just get the exterior, the shut door. All the doors and windows fly open at your approach. You get to come inside." Coming in from the cold world, into the warmth of another human being. Two parts becoming whole for the first time, over and over. One ecstatic soul, for one ecstatic moment.

It's a good word.

You know how when you're a kid, you assume everyone's family runs like yours, no matter how screwed up your household is, because you have no other basis for comparison? Do you remember the first time you realized that someone else's family dynamic was totally different than yours--which had to mean your family didn't have to operate the way it did?

I had a similar response when I realized not everyone fantasizes in the same way. I'd always assumed everyone did the same thing as I did when they fantasized.

The "eureka" moment that this was not actually so came while I was in bed with a lover to whom I frequently used to tell my fantasies to get him aroused. One night, I asked him to relate a fantasy to me that he'd always imagined. And he said, "You know, I don't do that the way you do. I don't think up stories. I just think about people I've been with, and things I've done with them, and re-visualize the whole thing, as it happened."

I never do that. My method usually goes one of two ways:

1. I visualize/make up detailed scenarios involving myself and an imaginary man. Or woman. Or men. Or women. Or men and women. But the largest majority of the time, it's one imaginary man. He may be a stranger, his face unseen to me in the dark as he does things to me, all sensation only. Or he may be fully fleshed out physically and given a name and a role (teacher, virgin, etc.).


2. I visualize/make up detailed stories about doing things with someone I know. But they are never things I've already done with the person. They're always fantasies about new, uncharted territory. What we could be doing. Things I could tell my lover in bed, or write to him, that are fresh, new, fodder for his and my imagination.
   

I don't know why this is. But it's interesting, knowing that not everyone's brain works the same way.

How do you fantasize? Do you look forward or back, or both? Do you think about things you've done, or things you haven't done yet? Or both? Do you invent new stories and scenarios? Do you invent imaginary lovers? Are all your fantasy lovers people you know? Are all of them complete strangers? Do you even think of people at all? Do you prefer actual images to stories in your head? Do you even fantasize at all?

I'd like to hear what kinds of variety are out there. (Now that I know not everyone is just like me.)

Remember, you can choose to post anonymously if you feel it's too personal to attach a name to.

(Photo credit: Dream #32, by ::oscar::)

Does anyone have ANY clue how to deal with this? I can't have a whole spring and summer of this going on.

But he's right, you know. For most of us (with key exceptions, of course), after a certain amount of time, the loss of our virginity was inevitable.

The whole discussion surrounding the post last week about the term "defloration," particularly the comments about whether loss of virginity is appropriately celebrated and revered in the modern era, got me thinking more about my first time, and about others' experiences that I've heard about.

If there is no formal ritual or celebration for loss of virginity anymore, are most people substituting their own ritual and celebration? I wonder.

For myself, my entree into non-virginity was most certainly planned. But not, I suspect, the way most such planned instances probably are. Though I could be wrong. I always picture the "normal" girl planning it in a very hearts-and-flowers kind of way, like they always show on soap operas and those dreadful WB teenage dramas. Candles, rose petals, lots of declarations of love by your young boyfriend/girlfriend.

I had sex for the first time later than some people did. Strangely, none of my boyfriends in high school ever pushed even slightly to have sex, and though I liked physical contact, I didn't feel any urge at the time to have sex with any of them. As an aside: I wonder sometimes if the widely held belief of both teens and adults that most teenagers are sexually active (or want to be) is actually true. It certainly wasn't my experience. Maybe it's more of a myth than a reality.

I also had (and still have) a stubborn, independent streak. Even as a young teen, nothing disgusted me more than people who just did things because everyone else thought they should--whether those things were mainstream or counter-culture. And I was determined that before I did or tried anything, I would be certain I was doing it because I wanted to, not because someone else thought I should, or because someone else was trying to manipulate me by trying to make me feel bad, guilty, "uncool," or "slutty," or whatever their M.O. was.

Sex fell under this rule, too. I thought it was stupid how people made such a big issue about whether you were a virgin or not. I didn't think virginity OR non-virginity was such a big deal. I fully expected to enjoy sex when I wanted to have it. But I sure as hell wasn't going to do it until I was damn well ready--and no one else was going to convince me I was ready because they thought it was something that "should be done." I wanted someone else like me, for whom it was no big deal, either way.

Obviously, that left pretty much most college guys out. At that stage of the game, whether they could bed you or not was a VERY big deal to them. The vast majority of guys at that age aren't looking for anything more than the ability to improve the stats on their scorecard, so they can wave it around in front of their buddies. There were a lot of guys who wanted to sleep with me when I first started college, but it always felt too much like I was just going to be a notch on their belt. Plus, despite my own inexperience, I could tell based on the other things I was doing with them, that their technique was certainly not polished. Most of them were pretty fumbly and clueless. In short, I sensed they didn't really know what they were doing, or how to proficiently maneuver a woman's body to full arousal, and hence I felt fairly certain that a first time with any of them wouldn't be any too great. So I turned them all down.

I think most women my age didn't really think about that. And I wonder if as a result a lot of them had disappointing first times with their college boyfriends. Don't get me wrong, I understand that it's only natural most guys at that age are somewhat clueless and clumsy, and it's not their fault--they have to start learning somewhere, after all. My hat is off to all those women who were cool with assisting the boys during their practice runs and scorecard years. I just personally wasn't cool with that. (Sorry, college guys.)

Anyway, because I couldn't find my guy with the "no big deal" attitude I wanted, I set off on an alternate course. I was working in New York City in the summer, and through my job I met a now well-known journalist/writer who at that time wrote for a music magazine. He was cool. He was much older than me (12 years). He was funny and smart and smart-arse-ish and a talented writer to boot--a deadly combination for me. I liked him. I didn't ever feel for one minute that I loved him, and I knew I wouldn't ever feel that way. But I really liked him and I was highly attracted to him. We started hanging out together.

And, obviously, unlike the college and high school boys, he knew how to touch a woman. He'd done it a lot, and he made no secret of that. He was a horny bugger. And when we were seeing each other, I knew I wasn't the only woman he was seeing.

The fact that I was a virgin was, of course, endlessly intriguing to him. He'd slept with a lot of women, but never with a virgin. So yes, there was a scorecard element involved with him, too. But the difference for me was, he didn't lie and pretend the scorecard motivation didn't exist. As with all the people I like most in my life, and unlike all the other guys I was dating at that time, he laid it all out on the table for me, unapologetically, and let me decide if that worked for me or not:

1) I want to sleep with you because I think you're hot.
2) I also want to sleep with you because you're virgin, and the thought of teaching you and being someone's first lover turns me on, and I want to see what that will be like.
3) If you want to have sex with me, I'm going to be right on it. But you don't have to sleep with me if you don't want to. I won't be angry at you if you don't, I won't stop talking to you if you don't. I have a lot of other people in my life I can get sex from, if I need or want it. If you don't want to, no big deal. We'll hang out, make out, whatever you want, and I can get sex somewhere else. What happens with us is totally your choice.

So there it was. No big deal. My choice.

I found the fact that he wasn't trying to hide anything from me very appealing. And though many people I've told the story to think that #3 above sounds manipulative, I can tell you it really wasn't. He wasn't threatening, "If you don't give me sex, I'll go somewhere else." I was clear he had other lovers, and I was fine with that--they weren't a threat to me. And I was clear that even if I did have sex with him, he'd still have other lovers besides me. He wasn't a monogamy guy, and I didn't want him to be. At that time and in those particular circumstances, it actually made me far more comfortable to know he could offer me the no pressure option by going elsewhere, rather than me being his only sex option and having him to be totally focused on getting me to go to bed with him. That he could say, "no big deal for me either way," was really what I needed, and knowing that there was absolutely no pressure or hidden motivations (or hidden lovers) was an incredible relief.

It may not sound romantic to many, but I recognized this was the perfect scenario I personally had been waiting for. I wasn't being pushed, it was all my decision, and there would be no whining or resentment if the decision was no. But if I said yes, I would get to have sex with an experienced man who liked women, who could really initiate me knowledgeably into things I wanted to know more about, and who I found sexually and intellectually appealing.

So I said yes. And one night while I was staying over at his place I had sex for the first time. And it was good. I don't think I came that night (I almost never do the very first time I'm with anyone), but it was very pleasurable, and I learned a lot.

There were no rose petals, or mood lighting (unless you count his cigarettes as mood lighting). There were no false (or true) declarations of love. But there was moonlight coming in through the large windows of his East Village studio, and we were surrounded on every side by books and music, and there was no pretense. And best of all, there was no fumbling.

And for me, that was perfect.

In the morning when we woke up, I don't remember much of what was said, but I do remember there was no embarrassment, shame, or immaturity, just friendly, adult affection and camaraderie. I had no regrets. I'd had a good time. But it still didn't seem like people should make such a big deal about the transition. I was perfectly happy I'd had sex, and it had been good sex. But I didn't feel any better or worse than I had the day before, when I was still a virgin.

As the more experienced person (and seeing as he was a music writer), you'd think an extensive review would have taken place. I'm sure I asked for feedback about what he'd enjoyed and any pointers he had, because I'm like that. But it's all rather hazy. My memory only clearly holds two comments of his that morning after my first time: 1) he called me a sex kitten, and 2) he remarked how incredibly pragmatic I seemed to be about the whole thing, which he hadn't expected, given it was all new to me. I remember feeling pleased with both reviews.

So, in the end, not much ritual or celebration. But in a way, there was a certain approach to the event I wanted to create, and I waited until I could make that happen. So maybe in a strange sort of way, it was a little ritualistic (in my weird mind, anyway). In any case, I felt good about the way it (and he, heh heh) went down. I think a more formalized celebration or too many flowers and hearts would have killed my enthusiasm for the event, not enhanced it.

And that, my friends, is all she wrote. For tonight.

So, how about your first time? (And by "first time," I mean the first time you had sex by your choice). Ritual? Celebration? Humiliation? Planned? Spontaneous? One of those classic rose petal moments? A bleah time in the back seat of a car? Someone you liked? Loved? Someone who "would do?" Good, mediocre, just plain awful? Were you pragmatic or romantic, or both? And if you planned/prepared it ahead of time, did it turn out as you'd imagined it would? Gimme the goods.

And as always, remember you can post anonymously if you want to.

(Photo credit: The Morning After by stepha1202.)

Different hep bands suggest
Songs to lose your virginity to.

The Black Velvets and the Thirteen Senses nabbed two of my would-be suggestions. But those fellas in Goldie Lookin Chain are obviously the kinkiest of the lot--stay away from them.

Hm. How about the Stone's "She Comes in Colors?" Or maybe another Barry White--"Love Serenade?" Rod Stewart's "Tonight's the Night?" Why are all these so old?

Actually, I'd love to lose my virginity to Interpol's "Evil." But too late for that now. Though maybe I can pretend with someone, just for fun. Volunteers?

So. Any suggestions from all you musically-inclined pervs out there? If you were gonna bed a virgin, or if you were going to do it all over again, what would be the best song(s) for losing virginity to?

Y'know, like ya do...heh.

Anyway, for those not familiar with this classic Greek play, the basic plot is this: Athens has been at war with Sparta for a damn long time. It's the Peloponnesian War, to be exact. The women of Athens are sick of it. They advocate for their husbands to end the war and seek a peace agreement. The husbands ignore them. The women gather together and decide on a plan of action. They barricade themselves inside the Acropolis and they deny their men sex until they agree to negotiate peace and end the war. It works.

Well, it turns out that while Lysistrata's story is fictional, there have been a few organized women's sex strikes through the ages, as well as some strikes where women stopped doing "women's work." And you know what? It often resulted in shit getting accomplished.

My favorite women's strike story is the Women's Day Off strike in Iceland in 1975, or as the Icelandic men ended up labeling it, "The Long Friday." While this article doesn't make it clear if all women withheld sex that day, I've heard it implied in other accounts. In any case, if it wasn't a sex strike, it was certainly a gender strike--they withheld a lot of their other traditionally expected roles and duties. Ninety percent of the women in the entire country participated. They also staged a repeat on its anniversary in 2005.

Anyway, it got me to musing if there is ever a good reason to withhold sex.

Let's say, for instance, all the women in South Dakota withheld until they got their abortion rights back. Or all the spouses of Congresspeople withheld until they did something about the war in Iraq. Or all the spouses of Israeli and Palestinian soldiers refused to give head until there was a peace agreement.

Could going on sex strike change the course of world events? Could something like this actually work in the modern day?

Because, according to the Supreme Court, if you have a blog or website that mentions anything sexual and any community, of any size, anywhere in the United States feels you're obscene, well then, you are. And you can be prosecuted. Under felony charges.

Do you understand what that means? It means your opinion doesn't matter. It means the majority of the American public's opinion DOES NOT MATTER.

It means even if 99.99 percent of the American population agrees you are NOT obscene, but ONE TOWN of, say, 300 people--maybe a town like this one (and by the way, are you STILL buying Domino's Pizza?), decides you are obscene, you, friend, are screwed. Not that you'll be allowed to use that descriptor without more charges being brought against you, of course.

I was reading about this last night and fuming. I was planning to publish a whole diatribe about this, but luckily for me, Steff over at the cunting linguist has already done it for me. Go read it.

I want love, but it's impossible A man like me, so irresponsible A man like me is dead in places Other men feel liberated

I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart

So often, looking back at my relationships (romantic and otherwise) and at my friends', and even at the relationships described by all these bloggers I read, you just have to wonder why people keep reaching out for each other at all. Love seems to be a far more complex and difficult emotion than we like define it as. It has all the heart throbbing, sure. And after that, the long-time affection, yep. But then, along with that, there also seem to be other things inextricably blended into the mix that no one tells you about. Things like pain, hurt, guilt, misunderstanding, frustration, hidden motives, and even manipulation. Even those in the best relationships say they have to deal with this to some extent.

Often, it seems like love is mostly about overcoming, not...y'know...well...coming (in all the senses described in this post).

It makes me tired. And angry, too, sometimes. I get sick of being made to feel I should want something that's portrayed falsely to begin with. And I get angry that I continue to want it anyway, given what I know, and hear, and see on a regular basis. And I really get pissed when people act like they're sorry for me when I'm not part of a romantic relationship, or ask me if I have a boyfriend and if I say no, ask "Why not?" as if this must imply some inherent defect. I always feel like going, "Why not? Let's turn the spotlight on your relationship for a moment. Any more questions?"

Sometimes, I just wish I could get tough enough to just cut myself off from needing to connect with anyone. I've tried. But I always fail.

I know deep down I fail because it's not really what I want. But I'm just so frustrated that I want anything, when the expectation of what I want is so unrealistic.

I want to be in love, and I want not to feel. That's exactly what I want.

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love.

I Don’t Mind it Rough (tangysweet.blogspot.com)
Kneeling (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)
Making Love in the Rain Revisited (redvelvetropeburn.blogspot.com)
Monde Imaginaire (theninthwave.typepad.com)
The Notorious Bettie Page (sugarbank.com)
Sadist Taking What is His (theheronclan.blogspot.com)

Spanking Site Review: Bars and Stripes (adelehaze.com)
Thigh High Boots (video) (thebootcam.com)
Training and Surrender (aliferestarted.blogspot.com)
Choices - Part Five (masterenigma.blogspot.com)
D/s Correspondence (barbiebaby09.livejournal.com)

Erotica/Erotic Experiences
In Three Minds (orpheusmind.blogspot.com)
My Ultimate Fantasy (gentlygently.blogspot.com)
The Slow Fuck (secretsofadirtygirl.blogspot.com)
Teen Lesbians Brittney and Avril on Sapphic Erotica (simply-sapphicerotica.com)
The Vixxen Chronicles - Walking Funny, Pt. 3 (unfetteredcravings.blogspot.com)

Welcome To My Fantasy (herknees.org)
Coach T… Ch. 5 (whatsexmaycome.blogspot.com)
Dear Pussy (secretbrain.blogspot.com)

Sex Work
I am now a sex worker (lumpesse.com)
Half-Nekkid: Topless and Thinking (sabrinainstockings.com)

Mothers and Prostitutes Don’t Mix (taratainton.com)

Experiences
Going Home (theholidaylife.blogspot.com)
Single Double (damnjezebel.com)
Women Aren’t the Only Complex Creatures (seanandmel.blogspot.com)
Caught Kissing in the Copier Room (anawtymouz.blogspot.com)

Save the Date! NYC Perverts’ Saloon - Monday, April 3rd (viviane212.blogspot.com)
Twilight + Thebes Podcast Discusses Paddles + Devil Girl Sushi Table (tirepaddle.com)

NSFW Pics
Gracie on Abby Winters (iloveabbywinters.com)
My Sister’s Best Friend Review (internetisforporn.com)
I Feel Myself - The Art of Orgasm (sensualarousalblog.com)

Oops, I forgot. The word of the day is “moisture” (realadultsex.com)
Sincerely LaRue (eroticandy.blogspot.com)
S Spot Hentai Links (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

Long Ass POST! (alphadominablog.com)
Twats and Knives: Together at Last (cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)
Variety Act (seska4lovers.com)
Advice - Tasting Yourself (seskuality.com)
Anatomy Lessons Part 1 (swelteringcelt.com)
Come (sexeteria.blogspot.com)

Sex News / Grab Bag For the Youthful-Looking Cooter You Deserve (tgp.com) Mardi Gras Spanking (auntyagony.net) Profaning the sacred (sexblo.gs) They’ve Went and Bottled the Pussy! (suburbansexpot.blogs.com) Tom Cruise’s Cock (sugarpit.com)

Charges Dropped in Teacher Sex Scandal (spiritsex.blogspot.com)
Dress Up Britney Spears (sugarjoy.com)

"The game is that you write a D/s, kinky or sexy haiku…write one, write a dozen…it's up to you. What is a haiku you ask? It is verse form having three lines of five, seven, and five syllables."

Each burn of the cords
Exposing silent assent
To your tongue’s command.

In the dark theater
My hand…there. So light…And then…
You biting your lip.

In alphabetical order:

Always Aroused Girl

Chelsea Girl at Pretty Dumb Things

Darkhawk

Ellie at Sex In The Smoke

Figleaf at Real Adult Sex

But anyway, food. Over at Hiromi_X's blog, there's a lively discussion about parallels between plain vs. unusual food and plain vs. unusal sex. You should read it here.

To me, whether the food's plain or unusual doesn't matter so much as if it's good--and I mean really good. When food is done right, even the most simply prepared dish can become a symphony of sheer orgiastic ecstasy coursing through every part of your mind, body, and senses.

Which reminds me of this really hysterical little feature called "Pornucopia" I heard on NPR's On The Media program, where a writer for Harper's magazine compares the different kinds of TV food shows to different genres of porn. You must have a listen here. (It should download and play in RealPlayer, but if not, you can click on the "listen now" link on the upper left hand side of the page here. There's also a text transcript of the piece on that page, but trust me, you really need the sound to get the full experience.)

(Photo credit: Ms. Belle G. Pepper Poses for a Photograph by MrPixel)

Hm.

My foodie personality:

• I love all kinds of food, from basic to exotic.
• I want dishes that are fresh, inventive, and well-prepared.
• And yet occasionally, I need to have me some nasty, processed snack cake
• I think all the fancy presentation in the world ain't worth a damn if it doesn't taste good.
• I believe a spectacular meal means exquisiteness every step of the way. Don't create a beautiful entree but serve crap wine and forget the dessert. Go all out.
• I'll try almost anything once. If I haven't tasted it yet, I want it in my mouth.

So, what's your foodie personality? Would you say it reflects you in the bedroom? Did/do your lovers' eating habits match their bedroom skills?

Should I run screaming if my date orders American cheese with mayo on untoasted white bread? Or does this say absolutely nothing about him?

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack And you may find yourself in another part of the world And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife And you may ask yourself, "Well... How did I get here?"

And then of course, the question is:

Where am I supposed to be?^[*]

And you may ask yourself, "What is that beautiful house?" And you may ask yourself, "Where does that highway lead to?" And you may ask yourself,"Am I right? Am I wrong?" And you may tell yourself, "My god!...What have I done?"

But let's examine this for a minute.

In general, "cheating" used to be defined as becoming involved in some kind of a physical sexual act with another person outside of your committed relationship, without your partner's knowledge and approval.

So for instance, looking at porn would not be cheating. While you might get off on seeing a person (or persons) in a photograph or video, that "person" is not "real," in the sense that you can't meet him or her and pursue any kind of human contact. In short, you can not touch that person. You can not "have sex" with that person.

But now, with the advent of the internet, among other things, we have a number of new sexual outlets besides print and video porn, which make the definition above a lot blurrier, and perhaps a lot more questionable.

What do I mean? Well, let's assume for the sake of argument that your spouse or committed lover does not know you are doing any of the following...

Cyber-sex via IM:
No touch here, right? It's strictly textual, no different than reading the Penthouse forum. Except that the text is being created in real time, on a screen. And there is a person on the other end, creating the text, with you. But you can't see, hear, smell, taste, or touch this person. Is it cheating? Is it cheating if you do it once with a complete stranger with no emotional attachment? Is it cheating if you do it multiple times with the same person, who is someone you like or have some affection for?

Video Cam sex chat:
Now you've got text and video. There's a person on the other side, and you can see him or her. You can't have physical sex with them, though. No touch involved. Is it cheating? Is it different than watching a porn video? Again, is there a difference between once, anonymously vs. multiple times, with a connection? Does it "count" more if it's with a real-life, everyday person vs. a professional sex worker?

Phone sex:
No touch. No images. No ability to have real physical sex. But there are two people talking, listening to each other and saying sexual things to each other. Is it cheating? Did you "have sex" if you both got off while talking to each other? Does it count? Again: anonymous vs. regular arrangement? Regular Joe vs. sex worker? Does it matter? Is one better or worse than the other? Is one cheating and one not?

Strip club:
If you're just watching the floor show, there are visuals, but no touch. Is it cheating? Can just watching count as a sexual exchange of some sort? What if you get a lap dance? In that case, touch would be involved, and there is often arousal. There is no technical sex, but there may be an orgasm in some situations. If your partner doesn't know you're at the strip club watching, or that you're getting a lap dance, is it cheating?

Other:
Let's say in any of the cases above you don't get overtly sexual. You just flirt an awful lot.

Or maybe, if you're in a strip club, maybe another patron of the gender you're attracted to is a little buzzed and snogs with you a little bit. Nothing heavy, no touching of any "private parts," no official sex of any kind. Just a some stolen kisses, let's say.

Is it cheating? Where is the line drawn?

What do you think?

The taste of love is sweet when hearts like ours meet I fell for you like a child oh, but the fire went wild...

I fell in to a burning ring of fire
I went down, down, down
And the flames went higher.

Some thoughts this memory has stirred up, yet again:

I was in a committed relationship for many years. We lived together. We had an understanding that we would be monogamous. We never got married. He never had a ring on his finger, nor did I. With all that being the case, I don't think he should have been considered "fair game" because we decided not to sign a piece of paper or buy matching gold bands. Nor do I think that I should have been anyone else's "fair game," either.

Watch any cheesy reality talk show and you'll see these tawdry episodes titled "He's Sleeping With my Woman!" Or, "I'm Boning my Husband's Best Friend!" What happens every time? The host calls up the unwitting girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse. The cheating partner makes The Big Announcement. The cheating "other woman/man" walks on to the stage. All hell breaks loose. And who does the cheated-on person run toward to attack? You know the answer. Not their partner. They run at the person sleeping with the partner, fist raised or claws extended, ready to kill.

In more of my relationships than I'd like to admit, I've been cheated on. I know what it's like to be that person, the one who who's been left in the dark while everyone else in the "audience"--whether that's your circle of friends, or just the two people involved in the deception--knows what was going on. I know first hand the emotions you have to deal with: how stupid you feel, how betrayed, how worthless and ugly, how utterly debased and humiliated. You do want to run toward someone--anyone--and hurt, maim, and kill them. I think, however, that in all these cases in my real life, I reserved the majority of the blame for my partner. After all, he was the one who had committed to me, not the person he cheated with. But I didn't think the other person was totally blameless. If any of the women involved in these scenarios had no idea that my partner was seeing someone, I don't think I would have blamed them at all. But the sad truth is that in 100 percent of the cases where someone cheated on me, the woman involved on the other end knew my boyfriend was seriously involved with someone else. And she still chose to do it anyway.

When it happened to me, each time, though I always held my partner ultimately responsible, I always thought about those women. I was angry, sure, especially if she knew me personally. But more than the anger, I would always feel this almost childlike confusion--this deep, abiding hurt and sadness, that would always end up in a question: How could any woman live with doing that to another woman? The only answer I could ever think up for myself was maybe they'd been lucky enough to never have been cheated on, so they didn't know what it was like. How their actions had consequences beyond their own life. I just couldn't imagine if they knew what it felt like that they could bear to even contemplate creating that kind of hell for someone else, even if you'd never have to know or meet them.

Very Christ-like, huh? "Forgive them, for they know not what they do." I guess I'd just like to assign some excuse for an action I don't want to understand, I suppose. But I guess I know deep down what I don't want to know. That's "they don't know what they do" really isn't it. When it comes down to it, they probably knew; they just didn't care. The hurt they caused someone else was less important to them than the hurt they'd feel if they didn't get what (or who) they wanted.

It's hard for me to take. I've known some very good people, my friend included, who have had no qualms about being "the other woman/man," other than that they don't get to spend enough time with their lovers. There are people whom I loved and respected who have cheated on their partners and spouses. I never know how to reconcile those two things.

I don't really know what I'm trying to get at here, exactly. Everything is whirling around in my head...but let me just rattle on and maybe it will come to some conclusion.

It's not that I don't understand the impulse. I'm a single woman. I've been single for a greater portion of my adult life than I have been in relationships. In the percentage of the time that I've been single, there have been a number of men who have wanted me despite being attached to others. And I can't even count the huge number of unhappy married or attached people I've met on the internet, both male and female, who are either looking for a quick cyber situation, or something more romantic, but at a safe distance.

What I'm saying is, I've had a lot of proposals for this kind of thing, both in real life and online. Sometimes the proposals are sleazy and therefore easy to reject. But sometimes, they're not. Sometimes you meet someone who is so wonderful, and exactly what you'd want if only...and it's all you can do to control yourself and keep your wits about you.

But the "if only" IS there. And the girlfriend or spouse, hidden though she may be from my sight, is out there somewhere. I find it impossible to ever fully put these out of my mind, no matter how much I yearn for what I want. And I have major fear of karma. I worry if I "gain" someone through deceptive means, it'll only come back around to mean pain for me in the end of one type of another. How does one win in this kind of a situation? How does the end ever come out happy?

Hemingway once said, "If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it." He was talking about marriage, about the loss of a spouse (because even in the longest, loving marriages, one spouse has to die first and the other will be alone). But how much more does this ring true if you love the person, but can never have the person? And even if you choose to settle for the long-term sad ending in trade for in-the-now happiness, how much more does it still ring true, knowing that choice will mean hurting someone else, not just yourself?

But then I think back to my friend, and her calm, unconcerned statement of her feelings about the whole thing. She didn't think she had any reason to fault her actions. And I think how recently a few people have said that feeling everything is your fault is the ultimate narcissism.

And so I have to ask myself, if I am "the other woman," do I have any responsibility? If I'm single, do I have a moral obligation to respect another's agreement if he is ready and willing to break it?

Or should I just be like everyone else seems to be, and not care about anything except my own needs and my own pleasure?

And if I do that, does it mean I can't say shit when someone eventually does it to me again?

And it burns, burns, burns The ring of fire The ring of fire.

His Addiction (onaniajournal.blogspot.com)
Love Conquers Some But Not All (realadultsex.com)
Pussy on the Loose (taratainton.com)

Funny / Sex News / Grab Bag
10 Lies Pornographers Tell (sugarbank.com)
Angelina Puts Collagen Rumors to Bed (tgp.com)

I Bet You Didn’t Know the Ancient Greeks Had Strap-ons… (tirepaddle.com)
Last Night Dick Slipped… (janeluvsdick.com)
Sex in the News - Celebrity Sex Tales (seskuality.com)
Shit Week (nakedloftparty.com)

Sugarjoy Review: Xervious Anime Labs (sugarjoy.com)

BDSM and Fetish
Always Ready… (seanandmel.blogspot.com)
Bath Time (ropegirl.blogspot.com)
Daddy’s Little Girl (redvelvetropeburn.blogspot.com)
Edging (sheenv.blogspot.com)

Learning the Ropes (avaadora.blogspot.com)
Missing the Kink (mnsss.blogspot.com)
Put in Place I (lifeashis.com)
Recurring Springtime Fantasy (aliferestarted.blogspot.com)
Redemption - Part II (nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)
Tied Down and Spanked (auntyagony.net)

Ariel X Again and Again… (eroticandy.blogspot.com)
Christine Young Review (internetisforporn.com)
Free Pics (seska4lovers.com)
Maddi and Rene on Sapphic Erotica (simply-sapphicerotica.com)
Mim shot by Penelope for Abby Winters (iloveabbywinters.com)
Mirrors (pspporn.com)

Misato by Yousoudo for Met-Art (sensualarousalblog.com)
Naughty, Nasty HNT! (sexblogthis.blogspot.com)
Sunshine (lumpesse.com)

Erotica/Erotic Experiences
Between the Biker & the Wall (bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com)

Cock Tease (sexyukgirl.blogspot.com)
First Meeting (secretsofadirtygirl.blogspot.com)
Hard Fucking (everythingoze.blogspot.com)
I Saw. I Came. I was Conquered. (theholidaylife.blogspot.com)
Last Night (whatsexmaycome.blogspot.com)
Magically Delicious (fourstate.blogspot.com)

Masturbating in the Car (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)
Masturbation and Memories (philosophyofbeing.blogspot.com)
Please, I Would Love A Kiss (suburbansexpot.blogs.com)
Secret Reads: The Roommate (secretbrain.blogspot.com)
Shhh… Do You Hear That? (v-boat.blogspot.com)
Snatched Moments (gentlygently.blogspot.com)

Sunday Sweetness (antisojo.livejournal.com)
When He Watches (tangysweet.blogspot.com)

Experiences
From Fantasy to Reality (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com)
Kicking Myself In The Ass (stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)
Life with an Easy Girlfriend (hotcouple.co.uk)

Packing for a Spanking Shoot (adelehaze.com)
Wearing Your Inner Vixen (tinastrangeworld.blogspot.com)

Announcements and Sex Politics
Britney Spears Pro-Life Statue (spiritsex.blogspot.com)
Jorge Rivas (sugarpit.com)
New Book Review (cakenyc.com)

More Sugasm…
Join the Sugasm

I've been thinking of all the odd euphemisms people come up with for our private parts. And then thinking about the combinations you can make with those nicknames that can really take you out of the moment and make you think, "huh," rather than "ooooohhhh." Terms that don't quite mix right when you put 'em together. Or that sound funny. Or that sound just scary, scary wrong.

For instance:

• Put your snake in my pussy (yrrooowwwl..."No animals were harmed in the making of this porno; only kitties over the age of 18 with no gag reflex were used.")
• Wiener in a hair pie (dare you to bring this one to the office potluck)
• His ding-dong between her chi-chis (Charo lives!)
• He took his heat-seeking missle and aimed it straight at the man in the boat ("Department of Homeland Security, we're at Code Red")
• The one-eyed wonder worm invades the Mound of Venus (think I actually saw this one once on "Mystery Science Theater 3000")

Don't be afraid to be creative. Complex sentences full of perverse sexual deviance and freaky nicknames of all varieties are heartily encouraged. Nothing is too bizarre. Wow me.

The challenge is raised! Don't let me down, people. I could use a good laugh.

But I do have a personal dream theory. The theory is that I've never really "accepted" something or someone as an integral part of me or my life, or as something I belong to, until I dream it. Often when I move to a new place, I don't dream it at all for quite a while. Instead I dream of other places I've lived. But when that place finally shows up in my dream world, I know I now belong there. When I dream a friend, or a lover, I know they've crossed over the threshold from being just someone I know to being someone who's truly important to me.

(As an aside: I've just suddenly realized I've never dreamed where I live now, despite living here almost six years. That should tell me something, huh?)

Anyway, last night, I had a dream about my blog. A very surreal dream, but clearly about my blog nonetheless. So I guess that means I now feel it's a part of me. I'm a blogger. How odd.

The dream relates to all of you too, though, so I figured I'd share.

In this dream, it was apparently possible to "feel" the essence of a blog. Each blog had a different "environment" or "atmosphere" assigned to it--and instead of reading it, you stepped into that atmosphere and felt it all around you, and that's how you absorbed what the person was saying to you in it.

Turned out in the dream, if you clicked on my blog, its atmosphere was a bed of fresh, green spring grass. You know, that vibrant, new, thick green carpet you just want to throw yourself down on. And as you lay down on it, you feel it crunching underneath you as it gives way, cool, and slightly moist, taking you in, absorbing your shape. Smelling clean, new, full of promise. And you just want to lay there forever. It was actually like a bed of grass, come to think of it. When I woke up in the middle of the night after dreaming this, the first thing it made me think of was that grass bed they had in the film Secretary. It was just like that; both something you've felt before, since you were a kid and therefore comforting, but also something new, not everyday, and very sensual.

So, not too bad, if that's what my blog's atmosphere would be like if it came alive. Nice dream. I've been imagining lying down in my blog grass all day. It's really nice. And I just wanted to say, feel free to come lay down next to me any time.

"...every motion and every spear of grass and the frames and spirits of men and women and all that concerns them are unspeakably perfect miracles all referring to all and each distinct and in its place. It is also not consistent with the reality of the soul to admit that there is anything in the known universe more divine than men and women." --Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

I packed up my car. I wanted to stock it full of everything that had meaning to me, so I would be able to surround myself with the things I loved when I arrived at my new home. Turned out a lot of things had meaning to me. My whole car was filled up, and then I had to attach one of those bubble things to the roof to add more. My family helped me pack. When I was done, I went happily on my way, watching them get smaller and smaller behind me as they waved goodbye.

I drove from daylight into evening, and then when it had been dark for a good number of hours and I'd started to get tired, I pulled into a budget motel for the night, in a place I'd never been before. I'd call it a big town, but the people who live there call it a city. I went to a chain restaurant next door for dinner. I grabbed my travel case and headed in to my room for a good sleep before heading out the next day.

I woke up in the morning, got dressed, and went down to the parking lot. I stood there for a minute, unbelieving. My car was gone. Everything I owned and loved was gone. Everything.

Try to imagine this. You're standing there in an empty parking lot, and all you now own are about four pieces of clothing, a pair of shoes, and a toothbrush.

ALL your clothes are gone. Your photographs. Your favorite music (hundreds and hundreds of cds), and your stereo to go with it. Your favorite books. Your favorite earrings, rings, or what have you.

I lost that, and more. All my favorite clothing, both the comfortable and the sexy. Letters from old friends and lovers. A stuffed animal I'd had since birth, that my family had chosen specially for me while I was still in the womb. Special gifts from friends that meant everything in the world to me. Keepsakes from family members who had passed on. Every single journal I'd written in from grade school through adulthood, documenting every memory and emotion I've ever experienced in my life. Every non-human thing I have ever loved, gone. Things I could never, ever get back or replace.

I couldn't even process it. I went blank. I started shaking uncontrollably. When I got that somewhat under control, I went to the front desk. I told the hotel manager what happened, and he laughed at me. He laughed. And he said, smirking, that he was sorry, but he had no control over what happened in his parking lot. It became more than evident from his attitude and responses that he was probably involved in some way. I suggested the least he could do was refund my money for my night's stay, given my inconvenience and my extreme financial loss which had occurred on his premises. It couldn't have been more than $30. It wouldn't have broken him. He laughed at me again and refused. When I got angry at his behavior, he called the police and had me forcibly removed from his property. When the police came, I told the them what had happened. They didn't care. They made me leave, and didn't say a word to the hotel manager. They protected him, not me. They treated me like I was the criminal.

The police couldn't have cared less about my theft, but they suggested I wait 24 hours in town after that, just in case the car showed up abandoned somewhere in town. I went to another hotel and sat there, with my four pieces of clothing and a toothbrush. I called home to let them know what had happened. And when I finally got someone, I found out my father had just been rushed to the hospital for an emergency quadruple bypass, and no one was sure whether he was going to make it or not.

What was your reaction when you just read that story? If you were going to say something back to me, what would you have said?

I've told this story numerous times over the years. It no longer affects me. It's just a story that's happened in my past. But it affects the people I tell it to, every time. Everyone is always instantly horrified. They tell me it's the worst thing they have ever heard. They tell me they can't imagine how I got through that day. They ask me how I ever got over it. They ask me if it still bothers me now. They often look like they want to hug me, even though I don't look upset anymore when I tell the story. Some do hug me. They shake their heads in disbelief and say they can't figure out how they would ever get over something like that. They spit venom out at whomever the person or people were who stole my belongings, and at that asshole of a hotel manager. They get extreme about it. They call them names, they suggest all kinds of cruel punishment for them. They ask me if I ever got any of my stuff back, if the theives ever got caught. And back when it had just happened, everyone asked me how they could help. They also ask me about my dad's surgery, if he survived (he did), and how I got through dealing with that when I was all alone, with nothing, in a strange state.

Was your imagined response similar to any of the above?

When I was a teenager, I was sexually assaulted.

What was your response to that?

Because it should have been the same. But I bet for some of you it wasn't.

When I tell random people about my car, they react as described above. When I tell people about my assault, they generally act nothing like this. They most often try to run away, or make me shut up about it. It's "too much information"--it's stepping out of the comfort zone. It's letting a dirty secret out into the light. You get the sense the person wants to say, "Why would you tell me this? What can I do about it now? What do you want from me, telling me this?"

I'm going to say this now for myself. And maybe I'll take a little liberty and assume I can say it for all sexual assault survivors. I'm saying it to any of you out there who have had or will have someone tell you they were sexually assaulted.

What do we assault survivors want from you when we tell you this information? Read carefully:

All I want is to be able to talk about my assault openly, the way I can about my car story. All I want is for you to respond to me about it the same way you would about my car story. Show sympathy for me. Show outrage for the crime committed. Ask if I'm okay, and if the crime has been very recent, ask if there's anything you can do to help. Ask how I managed to recover. Ask any of the things I listed above for the car story.

With the car story, people believe me right away. No one ever even stops for a second to wonder if I've possibly made it up. No one asks me pointedly why I stopped at the motel for the night in the first place. No one suggests I'm tellng the story to tarnish the reputation of the motel chain I stayed at. They never suggest that the fact that I walked into that motel of my own choice meant that I was asking to get robbed. They don't ask why I didn't yell a little louder at the hotel manager or the police officer. They don't ask me if I am sure my car was stolen, rather than merely misplaced. They don't ask for in-depth explanations of every item that was stolen and then question whether my theft "counted" as much as other thefts where more expensive cars and belongings had been taken. They don't ask if I had done something to deliberately piss the theives off, so that they stole my car over someone else's. They never push me to describe exactly what inflection the hotel manager used when speaking to me, or exactly how tightly the policeman put his hand around my arm when he escorted me off the property--it doesn't even occur to them that those details were necessary--it's simply enough for them to hear that it happened. They don't wonder if the way the car looked made it my fault that it got stolen. They'd never think to tell me that because I only got robbed once, it wasn't such a big deal, and that I shouldn't make such a big case out of it. They never say because it happened years ago that it shouldn't affect me anymore and I should just get over it and forget about it. They don't suggest that because I wasn't held at gun point when the car was stolen that it didn't count as a theft.

And certainly, whenever I walk up to someone and say, "A while back my car was stolen with all my stuff in it," they never look freaked out and don't want to talk about it. They never say or act like, "Whoa, too much information, there!" They're not at a loss for how to respond. They're not afraid it's something that's "too sensitive" to talk about.

So, again, when I tell you I've been sexually assaulted, let me. And just treat me the same as you would if I told you about the car.

Because when boiled down, they are both the same, you know. Some fucker took advantage of me, and committed a crime while doing so. Period.

So why is it my car story considered appropriate and acceptable to tell any time, anywhere, while my assault story is not? Why should the loss of my car receive more spontaneous expressions of sympathy than my assault? Why should it be so difficult for people to treat both the same way?

***April is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

In recognition of that, I'm going to (probably) do a number of posts on the topic this month. I know it's not your standard sex talk, but it's relevant and it's important. I'm only just learning myself how relevant and important it is to have a voice on this issue.

So, despite it not being a "sexy" sex-related topic, I'm going to be talking about it. If that's not your thing, there's plenty of other good reading on my links lists on the right. But I hope some of you will stick around and read it.

If not, well, if it helps just one person who's been assaulted to deal with their own experience, or helps even one person learn how to step up when someone who has been assaulted confides in them, then that's all I care about.

And if you read any of these posts and find it brings up any upsetting memories of your own, please don't struggle with those alone. Go talk to someone--preferably a professional in your local area with expertise in working with assault survivors, but if not, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE. It's free, confidential, and open 24/7. (Sorry, that number is in the US only. I wish I knew ones for other countries, but maybe readers can share hotline numbers for their own countries.)***

In the meantime, I confess that I'm just too obsessed with personality tests. I blame Artful Dodger for sucking me in to this one (and he blames Evil Minx for sucking him in).

So, according to my PersonalDNA, I'm a "considerate inventor."

And, in case you ever sat around wondering, "Hm, I wonder what Miss Syl would look like if I were to take her, suck out her very life essence and then pack it into little wee boxes" well, stop thinking about sucking my essence and get the hell out of the house, you perv today you're in luck. You can roll over each of the boxes below to reveal all my little secrets. At least, what all my secrets are according to this test.

Heh. It says I have "very high femininity, openness, and empathy." Man, that makes me sound way too girlie, doesn't it? Well, maybe openness makes it a little less so...

Oh, and I got very high spontaneity. Which is both true, and good (in my opinion).

All the rest:

You are a considerate inventor

You are an Inventor

Your imagination, self-reliance, openness to new things, and appreciation for utility combine to make you an INVENTOR. You have the confidence to make your visions into reality, and you are willing to consider many alternatives to get that done. The full spectrum of possibilities in the world intrigues you—you're not limited by pre-conceived notions of how things should be. Problem-solving is a specialty of yours, owing to your persistence, curiosity, and understanding of how things work. Your vision allows you to identify what's missing from a given situation, and your creativity allows you to fill in the gaps. Your awareness of how things function gives you the ability to come up with new uses for common objects. It is more interesting for you to pursue excitement than it is to get caught up in a routine. Although understanding details is not difficult for you, you specialize in seeing the bigger picture and don't get caught up in specifics. You tend to more proactive than reactive—you don't just wait for things to come to you. You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well. You tend to do things on the spur of the moment, not sticking to a set schedule. You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style. Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

You are Considerate

You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE. You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds. You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others. Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times. Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems. Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior. You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives. Your close friends know you as a good listener.

Hm. Does it sound like me?

Minx and Art got different kinds of creator. Somehow that sounds more interesting to me than inventor. Though I suppose the two words aren't all that different, really. Except "inventor" to me sounds like I'm holding a test tube and standing next to a Bunsen burner.

If you want to try it yourself and tell me what you got, you can try it out here.

So let's say you're a woman, the intended readership for this magazine. The model is in lingerie, draped over a bed, staring directly outward.

Now, women, answer this question: When you first looked at the photo, who did you think she was looking at? You? Or someone else?

She's clearly sexy, and in a vulnerable position. She's waiting for something. Did you think she was waiting for you?

The largest audience for women's fashion magazines is made up of straight women under 45 years of age. So why the titillating, submissive images? Does W want to seduce straight women with other women? Is it a plot to subject all women to subordination? Or is there something else going on?

There's a fascinating (and fun) online essay by a semiotics professor at the University of Vermont called "This is Not Sex" that puts these questions and images under the magnifying glass, and his end analysis may be different than you'd think. I'd summarize his conclusions here, but given the nature of how he sets up the essay with photos and text, I'd be ruining a lot of the effect. The points are far more effectively made if you click through the essay from start to finish.

Check it out, and let me know what you think.

(And thanks to Metafilter for turning me on to it.)

You know, I was having a day. Walking around, thinking, why the hell am I writing a blog?

There was the usual writer's fear involved. You know that "I reached the end of the Internet" joke? It's like that: what if some day, some week I finish some post and realize, "That's it." I don't have a single original thought left. I got to the core, and the core is empty. You know now that your entire brain and creative being has a shelf life of...(fill in any time frame here).

And then there was the issue of wondering if I really have anything to say that's worthwhile to anyone else. I'd started meaning to make this a discussion group on more theoretical issues related to sexuality. I hadn't meant for this blog to include anything personal, but now sometimes it does. Does that diminish its purpose? I hadn't meant for it to have a post like this, either, but now it does. And I worry about the tightrope I've now stepped out onto--does it mean that the blog is just themeless and unstructured? Am I straddling the line between giving too much of myself to be comfortable and too little of myself to be useful to anyone? Am I just a frigging coward?

I wasn't going to post any of this, even though I was thinking it all day. I wasn't going to post anything. I get kind of annoyed when bloggers post those "maybe I'll just bag it all" entries. It always feels like they're begging for compliments--please, someone, love me. I'm not posting this to beg for compliments or to get you to beg me to continue (if anyone even would do that, which I have no reason to believe, of course).

I'm only posting because it turns out now it makes a good story. There I was, having a day, wondering why don't I just stop, is this thing of any use to me, or to anyone, really, etc., etc. Thinking maybe the wisest thing to do would be to stop hiding in the electronic world behind a pseudonym and just get out there in the trenches and work solely on my outside life, which lately has needed some serious repair work, and which I am doing, though slowly.

So yeah, I was walking around like that, feeling the whole endeavor was useless. And then I looked at my stats and came across this post someone wrote today.

Sometimes timing is everything. Thanks, Amber.

___________

And, for what it's worth (if it's worth anything), here are just some little snippets that are also on my mind, because I can't seem to focus on more serious topics today:

• I've been blogging for 3 months now. I've had 22,000-plus unique visitors. I am actually so new at this, I have no idea if that's an impressive number or not. I mean, it's impressive to me, but is that a lot for your first three months? Some of you more experienced bloggers might be able to tell me.
• I took a "restorative yoga" class today and it was...actually restorative. Which is a very good thing. I'm going back.


• In the food porn category: I've discovered a new cheese passion that I need to proselytize about. Lemon Stilton (it's the one on the lower right). It's white Stilton cheese, with pieces of lemon peel infused into it. White Stilton is not like the more famous Stilton blue cheese (it's immature, and I'm guessing mold-free, and hence not all bluey-tasting). It's creamy and sort of tangy, but has a mild smoothness to its finish. And the lemon rind adds all this pungence and sweetness to the cheese that makes it taste exactly like an amazing piece of lemon cheesecake, but without all the sugar. Mmmmm. You must, must, must try this.


• Remember how in this post, I chose an orchid for myself? I recant. I was passing a whole bunch of orchids on my way into Whole Foods (where I found the Lemon Stilton, by the way), and man, those things are all flowery stanky. I hate perfume-y flowers. So if I'm still going to be an orchid, it has to be a vanilla orchid. That, I like.

>>Testify, Lili!<<

The woman speaks the truth, people. ("Right, girls?")

So, more significant stuff tomorrow, I think. Happy Friday night, all. Go get some of whatever it is you want, and gimme a little bit of that, too.

(Photo credit: HDR Birdgate from Automatt. And thanks to The Man Himself for the musical hosting bail-out.)

According to Scientific American, in the continuum of gayness (and yes, Virginia, there is a continuum of gayness), I am "heterosexual, with homosexual tendencies." Though I will comfort any of my (many, many, oh SO many) disappointed lesbian readers with the fact that I scored a five, which means I am just one tiny point away from being "equally heterosexual and homosexual."

How gay are you?

And thanks to the equally heterosexual/homosexual guy at ThinkNaughty for pointing the way.

I’m also sure that when those cases come up, you've often heard people ask, “If this really happened to her, why did it take her fifteen years to step forward? Why didn’t she report it right away?” If you’re really honest, maybe a few of you will even admit the thought has at least crossed your own minds from time to time.

This is not a statement of blame. Because I thought the same thing about those women.

It wasn’t that I didn’t necessarily believe their stories. I would defend these women publicly, insisting no one would go through the agony of exposing themselves to court proceedings, having her sexual history become public record, and facing public scorn and ridicule just for financial gain, or to "get some attention." But secretly, I wondered: Why had it taken her so long? And I often got frustrated about how much more of a liability these women were to the getting people to take “real” (read, immediate) sexual assault issues seriously.

Yes, I thought somewhere deep down that an immediate accusation of assault was more “real,” or deserved more merit, than an accusation decades after the fact.

So, again, this is not a statement of blame. It’s an explanation.

Because, I find now that I am one of those women.

I mentioned in this post a few days ago that I was sexually assaulted as a teenager. Would you believe me if I told you I had no idea this was so until almost 20 years later?

It’s true.

For years as an adult, I would go to “Take Back the Night” protests. I did it to support other women who had been raped. That’s what I thought. I would read or hear sexual assault statistics in the news. And I would think, with no sense of discomfort or irony, “I’m just so lucky that has never happened to me.”

You might think it was because I had blocked the memory. Not true. I hadn't forgotten or buried the events of what happened to me in my subconscious. I remembered the entire thing. I just didn’t give it a name. It was a small, gnawing, uneasy spot of memory with no label affixed.

And hence, I was completely, utterly clueless. Even long after I should have known better.

So, now I’m one of those women I wondered about. The one who’s only able to name what happened to her so far after the fact that everyone around her wonders why she's even bothering. And I now understand who that woman is, and why she waited, and why she's even bothering.

But this piece today, I’m writing just to tell you and everyone out there that the woman isn’t lying because she brought it up so late in the game. And she isn't bringing it up "at her convenience" for some kind of dramatic effect or gain.

Like me, she may simply not have realized what happened to her.

Sexual assault is almost never as cut-and-dry as people think. We have our friend Senator Napoli telling us in that now infamous news clip that assault means being "brutally raped, savaged...sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it." Though we'd prefer to vilify him and call his view an aberration, and though he was certainly disturbingly extreme in his description, in truth, his viewpoint is not so far off the mark from what many people unconsciously define "real" assault as. Because despite what we’re told over and over again, that’s what people usually think makes it "real," what counts as proof. If there are marks, if there are bruises and scratches. If there’s an alley, and a stranger, and a weapon, and a struggle, and a penis forced into an orifice, then, and only then, it counts as a "real" assault.

And so if you’re assaulted, and none of these things happen to you, often no one will believe you were really assaulted. And more to my point today, often you won’t even believe it yourself.

Of course, real truth is that that list of conditions above is RARELY the case in most sexual assaults. Only a tiny percentage of assault survivors sustain serious physical injuries. Weapons are rarely present. The assaulter is rarely a stranger in an alley. Far more frequently the assaulter is someone the person knows, making the victim less guarded, and more confused about how to respond when things suddenly turn ugly. The situation is rarely 100 percent spontaneous. It's often deliberately set up ahead of time, so the person who is assaulted is less likely to be believed.

But these details, while not completely unknown, still don't loom large in the public consciousness. In the end, it's only the victim who's been beaten mercilessly by a stranger and reports it immediately that gets our full, unquestioned belief.

And then there are those who are assaulted not only by people they know, but by people in roles that most others have difficulty believing could be capable of perpetrating such an act. A priest, for instance, or a parent, or a lover, husband, or wife. Or, in my case, a well-respected doctor.

If, for instance, a parent tells you what he or she is doing to you is a good thing, that he or she loves you for doing it—well, is it any wonder that the person who’s being assaulted may not be able to put a label on what has happened to her or him until many, many years later? Or let's use an example of a sexually active adult. Let's say you're getting physical with someone you actually like—someone you’ve chosen to be with, maybe even someone you’ve had sex with before--and suddenly a boundary is crossed before you had time to figure out what was going on. Might you not possibly convince yourself what happened to you wasn’t what it actually was? Might you not put a blank spot on the event, the way I did?

In all these cases, might it not take you years before you realized what had really happened? Might it not take even longer for you to get brave enough to stand up and tell it to the world, knowing you are going to face the same doubt, denial, confusion, and even anger that you've used against yourself for all this time?

Something to think about the next time those questions at the beginning of this post come up, in any context.

More another day.

(Photo credit: day goes by by Simon Pais)

Pornocracy: Government by harlots/prostitutes.

Yes, it's real. And yes, there's actually a historical precedent to the term, though it's somewhat misleading.

But I mean, hell...who couldn't get behind that kind of government? And under it, and over it, and...

And then there's also strumpetocracy. Rule by strumpets.

I'm dying to make a joke about the Whorehouse of Representatives, but that's just too damn awful, isn't it?

By the way, if you're looking to figure out what government you're going to have when you rule the universe, you can pick from a handy selection here.

I'm torn between whether the US is currently a diabolocracy or a foolocracy. Hm.

_____

Update: And speaking of harlots--

Your Lucky Underwear Is Red

You're confident and bold, and your lucky red underwear will only make you more sure of yourself. You have a great zest for life, and you tend to take on impossible goals - and succeed. When it comes to love, it's hard for you to take the time to open up. You're too busy conquering the world. So if you're looking for a little more romance, put on your red underpants. And see where their passion takes you!

Brought to my strumpet's eye by that brazen hussy Blue Gal. I must stop falling prey to these damn test-taking impulses! (As if that's going to happen.)

SUGASM #29

The best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them.

Sex Toy Reviews/Sex Advice
Featured Article - Hit Me With Your Best Shot (part 2) (seskuality.com)
How To Ejaculate - For Women (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

XTC Pleasure Curve (sin.typepad.com/shauna_by_night)

Solo Girl
The Incomparable Beauty Of Marketa Belonoha By The Sea (thesexblog.com)
Kele Ward Sexy Cowgirl (eroticandy.blogspot.com)
Kyla shot by Abby Winters (iloveabbywinters.com)
Oh My - What has Annie done (sensualarousalblog.com)

Bridgete, Darlene and a strap-on on Sapphic Erotica (simply-sapphicerotica.com)

Hardcore
She Got Pimped Review (internetisforporn.com)

Personal Porn
HNT - Damn Good Weekend (sabrinainstockings.com)
Performing (sexyukgirl.blogspot.com)
Where Did the Weekend Go? (drtycplinva.blogspot.com)

Sex Work

Happy Blogaversary (I’m Baaack…) (talkingdirtyblog.com)
Top Ten Lies Strippers Tell (tinastrangeworld.blogspot.com)

Erotic Writing
Cum Machine (Part 1) (rendezvous-romance.blogspot.com)
The Floor, the Fireplace, and the Fuck (taratainton.com)
Fruition (mydreams02.livejournal.com)

It’s Been Seven Years (bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com)
Just A Quickie (stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)
Lost in the moment (gentlygently.blogspot.com)
Retreat. (domequeen.blogspot.com)

Disgraceful, Disturbing, and Plain Bad Form (vagueboy.com)
Don’t shit in my mouth and call it a sundae (ethnorotica.com)
The Passion of the Artist (And the Lover) (cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)
Room 11 (theholidaylife.blogspot.com)
State of Sex (erotiterrorist.blogspot.com)
This isn’t supposed to happen at Duke, is it? (tgp.com)

V for Vendetta (sugarpit.com)
Violent Porn - Three Perspectives (sugarbank.com)
Women can be sick fucks, too

BDSM and Fetish

BDSM
Complexities of relationships - Choices 6 (masterenigma.blogspot.com)
Enjoying a Spanking Shoot (adelehaze.com)

Half-Nekkid Homemade Flogger (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)
HNT (spiritsex.blogspot.com)
My New Toys (radicalvixen.com)
Naughty in Florida (thoughtsformymaster.blogspot.com)
Stress Relief (darkside-journey.blogspot.com)
Yummy (angelbrat454.blogspot.com)

Strange? (v-boat.blogspot.com)
The Whisper of Nylon (easilyaroused.co.uk)

Funny
Though he tries to be quiet… (janeluvsdick.com)
You Want to Play With My Laffy Taffy? (4dirtylaundry.blogspot.com)

My Story (thetastetester.com)
Perverts Saloon (nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)
Tiny Sadists (thegooseandgander.blogspot.com)
Ultimatum (aliferestarted.blogspot.com)

Join the Sugasm

It enrages me when I hear about women whining that a man couldn’t get it up. It happens, honey. Get the fuck over yourself.

You may want to weigh in on whether this theory is in fact true, though in my personal experience, it seems to be so. Men feel they haven't succeeded unless you've come.

Contrast that against the many studies that show that a large percentage of women have trouble orgasming all the time, and some can't orgasm at all, ever. It makes you wonder if, similar to men, women also feel a lot of pressure, and if this is the reason why a "2000 Orgasm Survey" (cited in this article) found that 72 percent of women said they fake orgasms.

Obviously, it's easier for women to fake their arousal than it is for men. Men can't "cover" to avoid hurting the women's feelings. I wonder if they would if they could. And also, it makes me wonder about the pressure to orgasm in the reverse of Steff's discussion. Things like:

• Do straight women these days feel a significant amount of pressure from their men to orgasm during sex? Do they feel guilty if they don't?


• Is this the primary reason orgasms are faked?


• Do men feel a lot of pressure to bring a woman to orgasm? Do they feel a sense of failure if they do not? Do they secretly (or not secretly) feel disappointed, resentful, or less manly if they don't? Do they take it personally?
• Have any women out there experienced a lot of pressure or had the moment totally ruined by a guy's insistence on her having an orgasm, and his pouting and taking it personally if she did not?

What do you think? Is the pressure on both ways now?

For the next few days (until Tuesday), I will be out of town visiting with family and friends. There's pretty much no guarantee of consistent internet connectivity; and even if there is, I may decided to take a rest for a few days anyway. This will probably mean few to no posts. My guess is that I will mostly log in to check email and comments, but won't be writing much on the blog...but you never know. I might surprise you. You'll just have to check back and see.

In the meantime...

1) There are lots of fabulous people in the blogrolls on the right who I encourage you to check out.

2) I'd love to get your opinion on something. The lovely, talented, and always brainy Artful Dodger has generously offered to help me update my blog template if I want to. He's designed a number of blogs lately and does some amazing work.

I think it would be nice to get out of standard blogger template purgatory, but I'm not sure what direction I want to go, exactly. I often admire the fresh, clean look of blogs that are primarily white in background, but I also often think they don't quite "feel" like me. So I'd like some opinions. I tend to gravitate toward the color black. I kind of like the dark, telling secrets kind of mood it gives the blog. And I like the burst of color effect the photos have against the background. But sometimes I think the whole white-on-black thing is too hard on the eyes. What do you think? If I changed color scheme radically, would you feel you weren't "home" anymore? If not, any ideas what you think would make for a nice change? Given my content, what colors do you think I am? Would you like to see a fancy-schmancy banner? Any ideas for the banner? What image reflects a "sexeteria," anyway? How do you embody "food, sex, and spectacle" in a template?

Right now where I live there are loads of magnolias, cherry blossoms, and wisteria in bloom, and it keeps making me think I want a cherry tree on my blog. Pink and white against sky blue, like I see out my window every morning. But that's just SO not like me most of the time. Must have spring fever. And really, thematically, it has nothing to do with this blog. But do I care?

So anyway--ideas and suggestions for either the design or the blog in general? What about the current design do you like/not like?

And if you feel like it, in terms of what you're reading/seeing here every day, what could I be doing better?

In other words, fill in the blank(s):

When I look at your blog, I wish _________________.

or

This blog could use more ______________________.

or

Miss Syl, please, please, please give me _______________________.

I'm still on the road. Things are good (if you don't count the usual annoying things that crop up when part of your visit involves interacting with family). Of interest:

I WON a raffle for two orchestra seats to see Avenue Q last night. At least 100 people's names in a bucket, and they pulled out mine (and five other people's).

I DID NOT WIN the $220 mil Mega Millions jackpot last night. However, no one else won either, so I have decided not to take it personally.

Anyway, on to my question.

Turn out my access to the 'Net is even less than I'd expected, but I found myself just now with a very short pocket of time to check my email, and also peek at my Technorati results, where I found this. Now, she's copied my entire post, word for word, including the graphic AND some of your comments.