For no clear reason, I've been feeling this strange, light feeling of anxiousness over the past few days. Not crazy anxious, like a panic attack or anything. More like ADHD anxious. Feeling like I had just one cup of coffee too many--even though I don't drink caffeine. Lots of ideas and impulses flying around, but I can't settle on anything. I just want to keep pacing mentally rather than be all meticulous. I'm bodily tired, but brain awake. I want to sleep, but I don't want to. I want to go outside and I want to stay in. I want to write on the blog and I'm thinking about a billion topics and I can't settle on what to say.

So, because I at least want the good feeling of having gotten SOMETHING on "paper," I'm just grabbing two memes I saw on the always fantabulous Brooke's site. Enjoy or curse me, your choice. And I won't tag, but if you do 'em on your own blog, let me know. Or do 'em in the comments. Do something for me to settle my brain on, for god's sake!

MEME #1 (aka, stupid internet quiz):

Something I've aspired to since childhood, now confirmed. I'm verrrrrry pleased. Even purring.

You Are Catwoman

"Life's a bitch. Now so am I."

MEME #2: iPod shuffle soundtrack to life

Here's how it works...Put your iPod or whatever music player you have on shuffle. The first song that you hear will be the song for your Opening Scene. Skip to the next song, this is your next category. Keep doing this until the end.

Opening Scene: Made of Stone - The Stone Roses
Sometimes I fantasize
When the streets are cold and lonely
And the cars they burn below me...

Wake Up Scene: Slow and Low - The Beastie Boys
Just listen to the music first things first
First of all get off the wall
It's time to party so have a ball
We slowed it on down so get the hell up

Average Day: Motorway to Roswell - The Pixies
Looking for a place to stay
Near some friendly star
He found this mote
And now we wonder where we are

1st Date: Roadrunner - Thin White Rope
I'm a road runner honey
You can't keep up with me
I'm a road runner baby
You can't keep up with me

Falling in Love: Here and Now - Ride
I can dream myself away
Lose myself for days
And the train rushes past
Like a day gone too fast.
All I know is here and now.

Fight Scene: Mad Jack - The Chameleons
His frightened eyes
Can't disguise
Blatant lies
Blatant lies

Break Up Scene: Shilo - Neil Diamond
When children play,
Seems like you end up alone
Papa says he'd love to be with you
If he had the time
So you turn to the only friend you can find
There in your mind

Back together: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Motion Picture Soundtrack
You'll turn everybody's head today.
We'll glide on our motor trip
With pride in our ownership
The envy of all we survey.
Oh Chitty You Chitty
Pretty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
We love you.

Secret Love: I'm Going To Go Back There Someday - The Muppet Movie Soundtrack
This looks familiar, vaguely familiar,
Almost unreal, yet, it's too soon to feel yet.
Close to my soul, and yet so far away.
I'm going to go back there someday.

Life's OK: Eve of Destruction - Barry McGuire
Yeah, my blood’s so mad, feels like coagulatin’
I’m sitting here just contemplatin’
I can’t twist the truth, it knows no regulation.
Handful of senators don’t pass legislation
And marches alone can’t bring integration
When human respect is disintegratin’
This whole crazy world is just too frustratin’

Mental Breakdown: Visions of You - Jah Wobble and His Invaders of the Heart
It's a vision for me and for you
Hell can be a circle too
Repetition unbroken
The truth remains unspoken
A vision for me and for you
Visions of you endlessly

Driving: Perfect - Alanis Morissette
What's the problem...why are you crying?
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough

Learning a Lesson: Starship - Spacemen 3

Know I've done wrong, but I've heaven on earth
Know I've done wrong, but I could have done me worse

Deep Thought: Strangers In the Night - Frank Sinatra
Doo dee doo bee doo
Doo doo doo dee da
Da da da da da
Ya ya ya...

Flashback: Octopus' Garden - The Beatles
We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus' garden near a cave
We would sing and dance around
because we know we can't be found

Partying: When My Boy Walks Down the Street - Magnetic Fields
Grand pianos crash together when my boy walks down the street
There are whole new kinds of weather when he walks with his new beat
Everyone sings hallelujah when my boy walks down the street
Life just kind of dances through ya from your smile down to your feet

Happy Dance: First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes
This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Regretting: Loneliness - Annie Lennox
Like a cancelled flight
An empty train
Running through the night
An orphan child
A broken shoe
And I'm still down here
Lookin' out for you

Long Night Alone: Rocks Off - Def Leppard
She said it with her eyes
Just getcha rocks off
Whoah

Death Scene: Tempted - Squeeze
I said to my reflection
Lets get out of this place
Past the church and the steeple
The laundry on the hill
Billboards and the buildings
Memories of it still
Keep calling and calling
But forget it all
I know I will

Closing Credits: You Gotta Have Heart - Damn Yankees (Original Broadway Cast)
So what the heck's the use of cryin'?
Why should we curse?
We've got to get better......
...'Cause we can't get worse!
And to add to it-- we've got heart!

And also apparently a power and sex fiend.

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

What, you thought I'd be Ghandi or something?

"You like power because it increases your sexual options." Um, like, is there any other reason to like something?

Also, a short note to say I know I've been lame at responding to comments of late. I'm sorry, life's been crazy busy and posting is about all I've had time for, if that (hence today's wee post). But I've read all of your words and as usual, they're all great and much appreciated. Someday soon, some comments back. :)

There's a song stuck in my head. And you've been wondering where I've been.

Or maybe the second half isn't true. Maybe you weren't wondering at all. But the first part IS true...there's been a song stuck in my head all day.

So, first, in case anyone was wondering, the story of the second part. And then a story of the first part.

Part the second: Where I've been. Life got weird. There was an accident, and a major endeavor to be undertaken and resolved as a result of it, and a trip far away, and also on the heels of all this, a computer issue that has led me to be unable to blog about any of it. The computer issue continues...I've found a brief moment of stolen computer time in which to post this, but I'm not sure how long it will be before the next time I can do so. I've put out an SOS and help is on the way that, once received, will resolve it. But said assistance has been slower to arrive than expected, and so I must wait, as must you, unfortunately. (Oh, and regarding the accident, I am okay now, so don't worry. No major bodily damage to myself.)

And now part the first. Told as a fairy tale.

---

Once upon a time, there was a girl standing alone on the deck of a ferry, with wind blowing her dark hair all around her face. The sun was bright in the unusually blue sky, and the sky cascaded toward a shelf of distant white cliffs which in turn plunged down into the ocean.

She was coming home, after having travelled to many far-away cities.

It had been a very long journey, and it was extremely early in the morning, and the girl was tired. But she stood on the deck instead of going inside to sleep. She wanted to feel the air against her skin and watch the cliffs grow closer. It was the first time she'd ever seen them. And she knew it might be the last time. Because though in her head she was coming home, in truth, she had to leave only shortly after she got there, for the paper home she'd never really been cut out for.

She watched the cliffs get closer. She thought about the dark city she'd be returning to, only to leave two weeks later. The love affair still seethingly alive there, yet also already so far behind her. About how in only days, everything she'd come to know as hers, everything she'd given her heart to, would be gone. Far behind her, fading slowly away. And ahead of her...blankness. She couldn't say. There was nothing she knew she wanted there. She'd just have to wait and see.

And as she stood there in the wind and sunlight, the spray from the ocean touching its cold fingers against her face, the girl watched the cliffs approach, white and blank and treacherous as the future ahead of her. I need this moment, the girl thought. I need to feel it. Need to remember it, hold on to it, before it's all gone. And so she put her headphones on her ears, and she hit play. And this song filled her.

She felt it. The sadness, the loveliness of it. Of one moment and then leaving, yet not leaving. I'll remember this the rest of my life, she thought. She knew this. And then she thought...I wish this song was about me. I wish someone would feel like this about me. And she thought, I wish I felt like this about someone or something.

The girl is older now. Since that time, some of her wishes have come true. And some days she is glad that girl on the deck got what she hoped for. And some days she wishes she'd never heard that song.

Okay, for what appear to be my two remaining (and of course, deadly cool) readers, here (finally) is my response to this neat-o interview meme given to me by that charming Darkneuro.

First, the rules (pay attention to 'em if you'd like to play along). Second, my answers to Darkneuro's interview questions.

INTERVIEW RULES:

Leave me a comment saying “Interview me next" or "Hit me with your best shot" or something along those lines letting me know you're down to be questioned.

I’ll respond by commenting back on your blog with your five questions. I get to pick the questions. **EDIT**IF you don't happen to have a blog yourself, I'll be more than happy to post questions to you in the comments and then you can post your answers there./**EDIT**

You will then update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions.

You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

ANSWERS TO MY INTERVIEW QUESTIONS:

1. If you were going to be involved in a crash, what vehicle would you be in? (if it has wheels and moves, it's a vehicle)

I know it's a non-glamorous answer, but:
Any vehicle that was much bigger and far more armored than the one that crashed into me, resulting in me walking away from the crash completely unharmed. I've been in enough scary accidents already. (Shudder.) No more.

2. Vanilla or chocolate (take this as you will)?

Food: For candy, chocolate. For baked goods, it's an even tie. For ice cream, chocolate. But in truth, lately it's been all about coconut and macademia.

Scent: Vanilla, all the way. I even own vanilla perfume.

Sex: If I have to choose one, chocolate. But I'm really a mix-and-match girl. Things get boring if you do them the same way every time. Or even at the same time.

3. What is your favorite cuss word?

I love a good old fashioned fuck.

Some things you just can't improve upon.

(And look, I was raised during most of my formative years in New "Fuckin'" Jersey. So...what the fuck can I say? Saying "fuck" makes me nostalgic.)

4. What scenario from "A Christmas Story" most resembles your own childhood and why?

Heh. I'm Jewish, so I guess the eating at the Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day scene.

P.S. - I adore that movie to death and can quote it almost line for line. I love it so much that to this day, I can not see the word "fragile" on a box without saying "fra-GEE-lay" in a bad Italian accent to myself.

5. What are you most afraid of?

Never getting rid of all the fear that's kept me from letting myself be fully me all these many years.

Or, on a related note, finally figuring out how to be the real me when there's hardly any time left to enjoy it.

Also, becoming old and incapacitated with not enough savings and no friends or extended family willing to help ensure I get any care, and thus ending my life alone and friendless, being abused by resentful, low-wage-earning "caretakers" at some state-run dump for the aged.

Oh yeah, and that no one will ever really love me as I am and want to stick around.

God, I hate having all those fears.

Okay, you asked what I most feared. If I weight all of the above and am honest with myself, it's the old woman scenario. If I didn't have that fear, all the other fears listed would go away. I guess what I'm saying is I wish I were rich or could find a way to be rich so I could feel independent enough to be able to be myself and not have to worry about whether anyone would love me or not if I was myself.

Any wealthy readers who want to set me up with a generous trust fund would be most welcome. Or, y'know, just shoot me a few million. Small contributions also welcome.

---

Okay, if you wanna play, say so and I'll make-a you up some-a spicy questions. Othewise, hope you enjoyed the long-overdue post.

And thanks for the push, DN. My blogging joints were getting rusty.

Nothing like a little confirmation...

Your Score: Intellectual Inferno

You have an intellectual sexiness factor of 82!

Who am I to give you advice? You already know everything you need to know, and if there's something you don't know, you're eager to check it out. You are among the few special minds in the world that are truly free, totally creative, and absolutely sexy.

The downside is, it's hard to find partners who can keep up with your quick, vigorously sexy mind. You often find yourself bored with anything less than exciting sex, and only those who equal your intellect, your openess, and your creativity can provide that excitment. You're an avid reader, a deep thinking, and a sexually liberated person. You enjoy learning for its own sake just as much as you enjoy sex for pleasure's own sake.

Your partner, if he or she is able to keep up with you, is extremely lucky to have you.

Now, a la paragraph #2's opening, it'd be nice to finally find some non-electronically-based confirmation that's capable of keeping up. Now accepting applications. Lots and lots and lots of applications.

Lemme know your score, if you like...

Some people may be looking for some distractions from the standard Valentine's-Day-Week mush...well, here's a little something for everyone to play. And if it helps anyone, whether single or attached, to be able to keep a positive outlook on things this week, all the better.

So, since I'm on the topic of old boyfriends...

It occurred to me this week that despite how nicely or nastily each of my more serious relationships ended, ultimately there were things I carried away from each that I would absolutely count as accrued benefit.

Now, ideally everyone walks away from a failed coupling a little wiser or a little clearer on what they want and don't want in a future relationship, so I'm not talking that kind of emotional growth benefit here. And I'm not talking about the accrued benefit of new sexual tricks learned in each different relationship, either. I'm talking about the little, seemingly insignificant-at-the-time things you end up learning or inheriting from your exes that ultimately have contributed to you becoming a more well-rounded, better equipped, more comfortable, or even more talented, person on this earth. Some of these things might be more intangible/conceptual, like a love of a musical genre or an understanding of a scientific theory, but some might be actual tangible things, like your favorite shirt, a well-played CD, an amazing camping tent, whatever.

For instance, here is a quick short-list of some of the "compound interest" I've gained from past boyfriends of greater significance to me:*

J: A deeper and wider understanding of US politics. An entree into the world of realist graphic novelists.

H: A more highly-refined knowledge of British comedy.

K: A beginner's knowledge of how to play the bass guitar (since forgotten; so not sure this still counts)

M: Loads of computer, internet, and software geekery and tricks. An introduction to understanding the worlds of firearms and science fiction films and lit.

L: A first-hand tutelage on the history of punk. An introduction to the worlds of Spalding Gray/performance art and Jim Thompson/pulp fiction.

P: Stuff about surfing and snowboarding and fancy cars (though to be honest, I didn't care about knowing much about any of these, but the knowledge sunk in due to exposure anyway).

M: An appreciation for opera. Falling in love with Dostoyevski (after a bad high school experience). A primer in Marx and social democracy. My first (and still only) dog-eared copy of The Manifesto of the Communist Party. How to plug in to a more global political knowledge base.

G: Knowledge of how to recognize plants our in the wild. Medicinal and culinary use of herbs. Two kick-ass chef knives. A world-class Swedish pancake recipe. A knowledge of how to cook fish well (and the recognition that I actually LIKED fish, for that matter). How to cook everything else better. How to hike and be "outdoorsy." A whetting of my appetite to learning more about Native American spiritual and political issues. My favorite (commandeered) white men's undershirt to sleep in (now RIP).

C: The understanding that paths don't have to define people. And that nothing bad happens when your path is other than normally prescribed/expected. That one could be different casually and comfortably, without it being any kind of big deal issue or statement.

That's a lot of cool stuff, all of which I feel in one way or another has benefitted me well beyond the relationship's end. Some of these things I was curious about already, but I'm not sure I'd have gotten around to exploring any of them so deeply on my own without having the ex there at the time to provide material and spur my interest on. And some things I doubt I would have ever looked into or used on my own, and having done so as a result of direct contact with my ex, I feel I'm the better for it.

So what treasure have you accrued as a result of trashed relationships? Gimme me your list.

You can answer in the comments, or if you'd like to meme it on your own blog, gimme a link back to it in my comments so I can go read it.

*"Greater significance" meaning I'm only counting those I think of as having had a real emotional, sexual, and/or friendship connection with. I'm not including people I just casually dated. Also, the exes are not listed in any set time order, and initials are not necessarily based on actual names, just to keep things anonymous.

---
photo credit: what else do you do with an old boyfriends pair of jeans?? by justbeyou

(Psst, see the post below this one if you want to give me a little vocab help. Still applicable. Thanks.)

Saw this first on Brooke's blog and then today on Sizzle's blog, which reminded me I'd meant to get around to doing it. It's a fun movie trivia meme quiz for you to play along with. Being a total film freak, however, it was hard to narrow it down to just 15 choices; and even so I'm afraid a few of them are too obscure and no one will know them. But the rules DID say choose favorite films, so I stuck to that, regardless of obscurity. And I'm banking on the fact that maybe some of you are freaks like me and might know them.

Here’s how it works, should you decide to participate, too (and I'd love it if you would):

* Pick 15 of your favorite movies
* Go to IMDB and find a quote from each movie (or quote them from memory because you are that bad ass)
* Post them on your blog for everyone to guess
* Fill in the film title once it’s been guessed

These are your rules for my own list below:
* No Googling or using IMDB search functions (Don’t cheat!)
* Leave your answer(s) in the comments

1. "Don't get officious. You're not yourself when you're officious -- that is the curse of a government job."
Harold and Maude--guessed by NO ONE. How is that possible? Can't find this exact quote clip, but here's the 1971 trailer:

2. "Trade: Phenodihydrochloride benzelex. Street: The embalmer." "Balls! I'll swallow it and run a mile!"
Withnail & I -- guessed by Nikki. See it uttered in context here.

3. "You're not carnival personnel!"
The Jerk--guessed by no one.Words can not say how much I love this completely, stupidly brilliant movie. Can't find the quote in a clip, but here's a more famously quotable clip:

4. "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind -- guessed by Hiromi. See it uttered in context here (at around 2:50).

5. "I had a bad day. I had to subvert my principles and kowtow to an idiot. Television makes these daily sacrifices possible. Deadens the inner core of my being." "Let's move away then." "They have television everywhere; there's no escape."
(Note: I really wanted to use the quote to be "Sorry about vicing Ed's head," but it's not on IMBD and I'm not sure if i have it exactly right from memory. But you could use that one, too.)
Trust--guessed by no one. I've discussed my love of this film before here. Both the vicing Ed's head quote and the longer one above can be seen in this clip from the film:

6. "And... no, it is not dangerous to confuse children with angels!"
Magnolia -- guessed by AAG. See it uttered in context here.

7. "Yeah, but Tommy can be such a dork, ya know? Like he's got the bod, but his brains are bad news."
Valley Girl -- guessed by Ray. See it uttered in context here (at around 3:56).

8. "Men have let me down, but animals, never. Never!"
When The Cat's Away (or in the original French: Chacun cherche son chat)--guessed by no one.Adorable French indie film that was out in VHS in the US in the mid-90s. Still not available on DVD. What a complete shame. More than worth seeking out even on VHS, though. I mean, look at this fantastic trailer.

9. "Oh. It's not easy getting rides. Do you know what I mean? I mean most people are real afraid to pick up hitchhikers. I mean you never know who you might pick up. I mean I could be some crazed slime ball. I mean a real deranged, violent psycho. You know what I mean? I mean a guy who would rip out your heart and eat it, just for pleaaaasuuuuuurrrrrre. I'm talking about a total maniac! You know what I mean? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"
The Sure Thing -- guessed (again!) by Hiromi. See it uttered in context here (at around 4:25).

10. "Why can't I just be alone?" "All right, Mooney, go to your room!" "I don't have a room! I sleep in the hall, remember?"
New Waterford Girl--guessed by no one. Another small, obscure, and perfect film. Funny, smart, bittersweet, touching, hopeful--which is not made very clear by this trailer which seems to be attempting to make it look like the film is "wacky, kooky, crazy!!!" But it does include my quote.

11. "After my divorce from Luther I scraped by with baby-sitting gigs and odd jobs -- mostly the jobs we call blow."
Hedwig and the Angry Inch -- guessed by Roberta. (Can't find a clip of the quote, but here, have one of my favorite cheer-up songs ever from that film instead.)

12. "We have a whole life to live together, you fucker, but it can't start until you call."
Me, You and Everyone We Know--guessed by no one. I love this film. Can't find the quote on video, but here, watch this instead; one of the most perfectly crafted movie scenes I've ever seen:

13. "I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me NOW."
Willie Wonka & the Chocolate Factory -- guessed (2 for 2!) by Hiromi. See it uttered in context here.

14. "On behalf of the students from Vince Lombardi High who are here tonight, I'd just like to say one thing: Screw you, Principal Togar, we made it to the concert anyway!" (Hint: this post's title is an extra hint for this one.)
Rock 'n' Roll High School -- guessed by Darkneuro. (I couldn't find a clip of this one, but here's a great scene that takes place just between the quote in my post's title and this quote here.)

15. "WHAT are THESE?" "Those are your new shoes, Dawn!" "Those aren't the right kind, I told you cha-cha heels, black ones!" "Nice girls don't wear cha-cha heels!"
Female Trouble--guessed by no one, but alllllmostttt guessed by Ray.Perverse, funny as hell, and a great predictor of the trash celebrity culture of today. Two treats for this one: 1) Watch the beauty that is Divine utter the infamous cha-cha heels line:

2) Watch EARTHA KITT and BRONSKI BEAT do a tribute song inspired the infamous line. Can you stand it? SO fabulous. (Sadly, the song was written for Divine to sing, but s/he died before it was possible.)