I was just wondering.

Every once in a while it happens that the time spent on my eletronic life pursuits begins to feed parasitically on the time for nurturing my organic life pursuits. When that happens, I generally feel the need to take a break and recalibrate.

This is one of those times. Nothing bad or scary going on; in fact, it's entirely positive. I just want to focus my energy right now on taking care of some things that feel more life-affirming to me than sitting alone in front of a glowing screen--an activity which lately has begun to take on the feeling of bad Quaalude dependency.

So, time for some detox and a little vacation. I'm going to take a break from blogging and from spending much time online for about a month. It's unlikely I'll be posting during that time, though you never know--if the urge hits, I won't censor myself. But expect my electronic presence both on my blog and on others' to be pretty minimal.

I will be checking email during this time, although probably not as frequently as I have been of late. But you can find me there if you miss me and/or want to say hi. And I do like hearing both those things.

Till then, my lovelies...

xo,

Syl.

So many things have happened in the last little while. I'm in a weird place. In the past eight week or so, I:

Lost my job, got really sick with a stubborn virus that still has some lingering effects, had to deal with some worrisome medical issues (unrelated to the stubborn virus), had an expensive laptop powercord burn out and needed to purchase a new one, had to sort out what to do about medical coverage, figure out what the hell I was going to do with my 401k, sign up for unemployment, run around to get all outstanding medical appointments taken care of before I ran out of comprehensive medical coverage...

(pause for deep breath)

...then woke up to find my computer had died, completely toasted hard drive, requiring an expensive repair, with money I don't have right now, also requiring shipping out to remote location and a wait for its return. All of this, of course, hindering my ability to actually LOOK for a job.

Where am I now?

A lot poorer for all of the above. Still without work (anyone know of any freelance writing gigs I can take on?), and beginning to worry about what I'm going to do to pay the rent in another month. The computer has been returned with a new hard drive and all my data gone, and I'm trying (for days now) to replicate all my lost stuff from a backup, with the help of a generous and ridiculously patient friend who I owe, like,...[insert something that's beyond-sexual-favors-good] at this point. So far, the worrisome medical issues seem to have un-worriesomed themselves. I'm waiting on one more result, and then it will be deemed I'm fine. I'm still wrestling with my insurance company and former employer to get it officially recognized I paid for my COBRA, even though my check for hundreds of dollars was written BEFORE the cancellation date and has since been cashed. Listening to stuff like, "Don't worry about it, you're covered, you just may have to pay for your own bills for a while and then resubmit them once it goes through." And thinking about screaming into the phone, "How do you expect me to cover medical bills when I've just spent all the money I *could* have used to cover them on your fucking COBRA payment so I wouldn't *have* to do that?" And experiencing a lot of really frustrating job-hunting cock-teasing...a number of employers telling me, "We love you! We want to hire you/interview you/etc. immediately! Don't go to anyone else!" And then just...disappearing. And ignoring my follow-ups.

So. That's why I haven't been writing. That, and I just haven't had anything I've wanted to say that seemed worthwhile. That, and I'm guessing that by this point, except for a faithful friend or two, no one's even reading me anymore, anyway. Is anyone still checking this site? That, and I don't know if it's just time to end the blog and focus on other life projects now.

Anyway, despite all of this, I am strangely okay most days. Well, I mean...

I *am* scared. Scared that I won't find work, and that my money will run out. Scared that I WILL find work, and it will be something horrible that I'll feel obligated to take, because I have nothing else and my savings are slowly disappearing and my credit card debt is increasing. Scared about the fact that I don't even want to DO the kind of work I've become an expert in and not even sure what else I'd rather do, so just applying to the same old shit. Scared every time I make a trip to the supermarket. Scared each time I go out with friends and have to pay for something. Alternately scared that I will become a hermit and not go out with friends because I'm worried about money and will fall into a depression like I did the last time I was laid off.

And I'm pissed off at having been laid off, in some general way. It happens, it's nothing to be ashamed of, it was probably unavoidable given the company's situation, and in truth I was tired of the place, anyway. But nonetheless, it hurts the pride that this is the return I get after many years of faithful service and excellent, hard work.

So you know, all that is there in the background. And some days are better than others. But...it's not all bad.

I don't miss the job at all. Not at all. And people have been incredibly kind and generous. Friends and family and even relative strangers have been incredibly kind, treating me to dinners and drinks and such when we go out, and offering to loan me things until I can afford them. When I've desperately needed help sorting out certain situations when I was under the gun, administrative people at different places who could have been hardasses have gone the extra mile to help me out, just because they had compassion for my situation. Acquaintances have offered me contacts to reach out to that may be able to help me professionally.

So strangely, these things keep me okay more than not okay, most days. In the past, I would have focused on the top stuff most, and kept thinking about how the world sucks, and how people suck. Each frustration would have confirmed it for me, and I would have blown them up into high focus, and minimized the small, good things that happen every day. But I've changed, it seems. I seem better able to keep my mind focused on these positive things, or at least to keep the two balanced against each other. I'm trying hard not to fall back into the old patterns. Because keeping it in balance feels much, much better.

Still, I'll state for the record:

I'd like to win, inherit, or be given some no-conditions money. Something. Something to keep me safe during this period of unsettlement.

My site's big bad host daddy has informed me that some assholish site has been grabbing my site's music links and pretending as if they're hosted on their site--but actually, they're sleazily streaming them from my site and using up my bandwidth.

I'm not a woman who puts up with being used.

So, for the time being, my music links are all broken. They may arise again at some point, at which time I'll let you know. In the meantime, sorry for the silence.

But then again, I just heard a story on NPR's Morning Edition today (regarding Oliver Sack's new book) about how when you're surrounded by too much silence/stillness, your brain starts playing random music that you can actually HEAR as if it's playing near you somewhere. So, y'know, maybe this is an opportunity for exploring what kind of music your brain would play if you were surrounded by stillness. Might be cool. Although, some of the people on the program heard heavy metal guitar solos and "Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore." So maybe not.

Not normally like me to write a complete miscellanea post, but here I go defying convention again.

1) I think this is total genius:

visit the site of total genius

(thanks, schmutzie, for the find)

2) Why do I find myself annoyed by the fact that I was NOT rejected by eHarmony?

And no, I don't have a profile on there. I took the personality profile to see what it would say, and stayed on for a few days to see what kinds of matches they'd send me. Despite me saying I had no kids, was not interested in having kids, and did not want to date anyone with kids, they consistently sent me matches from guys who were either divorced with young kids or guys who said their primary objective in life was settling down and starting a family. So I killed it. Much as I suspected, it seems to be a highly "traditional values" oriented site. So again, if my requirements don't fit their membership, why wasn't I rejected? I guess I'm just too damn good for anyone to pass up.

3) I also think this test is total genius (sound required):

How good were you at it? Oh, and in case you're interested, here's what it's really about.

4) I am deep in the midst of celebrating Discardia (mo' better detail here).

I mean, deep, deep in, man. And it feels gooooood. I may stay here for a few weeks at least.

5) Of all the things I am discarding...

...I sometimes think bitterness and questioning of self-worth over bad--or indifferent--treatment by men from past relationships is going to be one of the hardest things to discard. I keep thinking I'm done, and then another small thing comes along to trigger it again. Why the hell have I gone in for so many men who often seemed to have the capacity to treat total strangers with more affection than they treated me? No more, I say. The only way I think I'm going to be able to discard feeling bad over seeing that pattern repeated in front of my face over and over again is to 1) stop the perverse compulsion of wanting people who have long ago proved they don't care that much about me to finally come around and care that much about me (even when I don't necessarily want THEM anymore) and 2) find some guys who will spoil the hell out of me the way I deserve to be spoiled.

You know, I used to think that the fact that I didn't get spoiled and treated like something super special meant that was about all I deserved. I thought, "if I deserved more, people would give it to me." I think that logic's maybe a little twisted. They guy's behavior doesn't say shit about me and what I deserve and how worthy/desireable I am. Only I can define that. All it says is what HE's about and how worthy/desireable I should find HIM. Which is not much if I'm not getting much adoration. Yeah, I rock in bed. Yeah, there's more to me than that. I am not a fucking convenience. That's all I have to say about that.

6) I had a great day at work today.

Doing work that will help, hopefully, change the world for the better. And that's a good thing. Did some good work today, quick and dirty and still good, which felt satisfying. Got told by numerous people they were glad I was around, and that my presence has made a huge positive difference. That felt great. Thought up things that resulted in people's eyes widening with "I could have NEVER come up with that" wonder. And got to invent something that embodies a message I really believe in.

I'm also happy because I seem to have, with all the work I've been doing on myself, been able to develop a bubble of zen contentment around the workplace. It's crazy hectic, there are some really disillusioned people, there is some dysfunction due to this, and yet...it all seems to slide off me and I walk around happy and cheerful. Not saying I don't have my moments, but I'm talking about the majority of the time. I like this. I feel strong.

7) I'm doing conveyor belt sushi tomorrow.

Is there anything better than a continuous sushi loop?

So how was your day? Whats up wi'chu?

Hey you brilliant, tech-savvy, early-adopter people (and yes, I DO mean you)*:

What are some less cliched terms that can be used besides "cutting edge" or "bleeding edge?" Everyone uses these two--surely there are some other alternatives that are more "cutting edge" than they are?

Any and all suggestions would be MOST appreciated right now, as I need it for something I'm writing on a short deadline.

Thanks!

*Update: I realize now by using this opening line, it may appear like I'm looking for a tech-based word, but I'm actually not writing about technology; I'm writing, in a general sense, about investment. I'm looking for a term for "cutting-edge" that would raise the interest of entrepreneur/venture capitalist types. See my note in the comments for specifics.

Apathy.com.

Go on.

Remember that old Breck commercial* "and she told two friends, and SHE told two friends, and so on and so on and so on..." with the screen getting increasingly full of little faces until it was a crowd?

That was what my day was like today when I innocently went in search of a small bit of information from a supposed POINT of contact.

POINT. Singular. But no. Breck in effect. Two friends and then two friends and so on and so on...

Eventually, on the verge of losing my mind, I sent an email to a targeted group of people and announced I DO NOT WANT ANY FRIENDS.

And suddenly, *poof,* the entire project disappeared. Not just that part; the whole damn thing.

Perhaps misanthropy isn't always as bad as it seems?

In any case, my whole...thingie**...feels lighter after a really heavy week. Whew.

---
*Big points for you if you can find me a video of this ad. It seems like an obvious YouTube candidate, but no, I can't find it.

**I've been writing like a slave all week, night and day. The prospector using my brain pan has retired from the gold nugget descriptor search and is out fucking a saloon girl. "Thingie" is all you get.

15

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

So, like, I know it's all been lightweight, meaningless posts, but all I've been feeling like lately is light amusement.

So. Here's me as a mosaic.

(click it if you want to see it larger)

The concept:
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, and pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab's Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

The questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food? right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is one word that describes you?
12. What is your flickr name?

(Note: The photos in mine are in the order I liked most aesthetically, not necessarily in order of answers. Also, #12 came up blank for me, so I used two different answers for #7 instead, since I couldn't decide.)

Discovered over at Schmutzie's place. And she found it at this place.