I'm going to make a statement that may be controversial, particularly for a sex blogger.
I believe there are some sex acts that should not be performed.
Keep reading below the cut before you flame me.
**And also note that any mention of sex blogs, blogging, or bloggers in the the text to follow are general and are definitely NOT about any specific sex blog or blogger in particular.
And now, back to sex.
Today's topic, boys and girls: eating ass.
First and foremost, the question that really prompted this post and which I really want an answer to, but can find none:
Why the HELL is it called "tossing the salad?"
Other sexual nicknames tend to have some sort of obvious metaphorical quality to them. But this one, I just don't see it. Is the asshole supposed to be some kind of "bowl?" Okay, that's a stretch, but even if so, the metaphor still doesn't hold water, because you need TWO implements to toss something, and you only have one tongue. And "tossing" implies throwing something up in the air and it settling again, and that just isn't even remotely what's going on.
I'm sure I'm probably the only one who this bothers. But it drives me INSANE. What can I say, I'm a writer. Words are not frivolous! You don't just THROW words around. They need to be beautifully crafted. They should be used, ALWAYS, to make people think and see and sense and get friggin' aroused by them in some way or other. It gets me all riled up when people just assign words with no thought or reason to them. So can anyone explain this nickname to me? "Tossing the salad" arouses nothing! Not visually, sensually, intellectually...nothing.
I'd also like to point out that anilingus is a perfectly lovely word, that just rolls off the tongue, and even has a bit of Scottish brogue to it. Say it out loud with me a few times...anilingus....anilingus....aniliiiiingggggus. Ooooh. See? It sounds pretty. AND, conceptually, it makes perfect sense. There's anus, there's tongue, right there in front of you (or right there behind you, if you prefer). You could guess what it meant just by looking at the word. Perfect. Why don't people want to use it?
Of course, I have nothing against a more "clever" nickname. Humor arouses the senses and intellect just fine. But I just want a clever nickname that IS actually clever. It's got to make sense, dammit!
I'm worried now I'm missing something entirely obvious, and someone's going to write in with an explanation about the term that is so basic it's going to make me feel stupid, but, oh well. While I wait for someone out there to enlighten me as to what entirely evident thing I'm missing that makes "tossing the salad" a relevant euphemism, I'd like to suggest some better "clever" nicknames for the act:
Yes, all those were entirely invented by me, so credit me if you use them. Nothing would please me more than to be known as the mother of all "seal in the chunnel" references.
While we're talking nicknames, Wikipedia lists one (via the Urban Dictionary) that I rather like: "The Black Kiss." Mmm. That sounds just lovely--takes all the squeamishness out of the concept. Makes it all romantic sounding, with a touch of evil inserted. Just the way I like it. AND the term makes sense metaphorically and is far more accurate in concept than "tossing a salad."
Now, while we're on the topic, I figure I might as well point you in the direction of some interesting information on the actual activity, and lay out some thoughts and questions of my own related to that. Bum rush (ahem) the cut link below to probe more deeply into all things anilingual.
Marcy: My husband was a movie freak. Actually, he was particularly obsessed with one movie, "The Wizard of Oz." He talked about it constantly. I thought it was cute at first. On our wedding night, I was a virgin. When we made love - you've seen the movie, haven't you?
Paul Hackett: "The Wizard of Oz"? Yeah.
Marcy: Well, whenever he - you know, when he came...
Paul Hackett: Yeah...?
Marcy: ...he would scream out, "Surrender Dorothy!" That's all! Just "Surrender Dorothy!"
Paul Hackett: Wow.
Marcy: Instead of saying something normal like, "Oh, God," or something normal like that. I mean, it was pretty creepy! And I told him I thought so, but he just, he just couldn't stop, he just, he just couldn't stop, he just... couldn't stop.
For some reason I was reminded today of this scene from Martin Scosese's wonderfully surreal and very 1980s film After Hours. Worth a watch if you've never seen it.
Anyway, it got me to thinking if there are a lot of people out there who have their own version of a "Surrender Dorothy" story--where someone shouted out or did something entirely bizarre in bed that sticks in memory as being the weirdest moment one can remember in one's sex life.
I've been wracking my memory, but I don't think I have a really good one. I wish I did. But I love hearing these kinds of stories. Oddness is my one true delight. So if you've got one, why not share it here, and we'll see if anyone can best ya. (Remember, you can post anonymously if you want.)
So--strangest in-bed utterance (or behavior) ever? C'mon, it'll be fun.
------
UPDATE: Oh wait! I just remembered one for me! It's not as good as "Surrender Dorothy," but...
Once, when I was on top, fucking of one of my lovers, he kind of lost his mind, slapped my ass, and gasped/shouted out, "Giddyap, pussy!"
I thought that was pretty damn weird. Especially because he wasn't close to being from any kind of western state, and had never ridden a horse in his life, so the expression "giddyap" would normally never have passed his lips in any context. In retrospect, I still think it's pretty damn weird, but also pretty damn funny, too. People will say the strangest stuff when they hit that out-of-control stage.
A very sweet anonymous commenter left this note on my last post a few days ago:
Anonymous said:
Hi, I've been a long time reader of your blog and you seem very smart and insightful. I am terribly embarrassed :: covers face in humiliation:: to even request that you blog about something but I am thinking about losing my virginity and I was wonder if either you could do a little something about your opinions or whatever or please offer any advice. I'm kinda nervous but mostly just need some reassurance. Could you help me out? :) Please?
First of all, Anonymous (I'll call you Anon to make it easier from here on out), thanks very much for reading and for thinking I seem smart and insightful. A very nice compliment. Second, there's absolutely no need to be embarrassed--every single one of us was where you're at at some point, and many still are. Third, It's a pleasure to have someone suggest a topic to me for a change--I wish more people would write in with questions! Plus, I haven't been writing a lot of sex-related posts lately, and I've been missing it a lot, but was lacking some inspiration. And now, here you are. So, thank you and I'm extra delighted to write a little something about it for you, and hopefully my commenters can weigh in with their ideas, too.
I should begin by pointing out that I have already written two posts related to virginity that you may be interested in. One is a post about my own first time, and the other is about the language used to discuss the concept of "virginity" and how I don't appreciate the terminology of loss and ruin affiliated with it ("losing her virginity," "defloration"). In fact, just the word VIRGIN seems so heavily fraught with said implications that I would prefer if we could move away from the term altogether. People are sexual beings from early in childhood. To hang all of the importance of sexual development on that one moment of penis-to-vagina coitus is just silly (not to mention entirely exclusionary for some sexually active people who don't DO penis-to-vagina coitus).
So, Anon, let's not call you a virgin, but a "sex newbie."
Now, I can't tell from your comment if you are a guy or a girl, what age you are, what your sexual orientation is, or if the partner you are planning on having sex with is also a virgin or not. Because of that my tips are going to have to be very general, and not focus on too many specific sexual tips. And also keep in mind that for every "rule" I might offer up here, there is always an exception. These are suggestions based on my own personal experience. If your experience differs, the "rules" for you may be different. But, to the best of my ability, here are what I think are a few things all sexual newbies should keep in mind.
1) Be SURE you're ready to have sex
You may be asking, "Yeah, but, how do I know if I'm totally sure?"
The answer is very simple. Ask yourself very bluntly, "Am I ready to have sex?" If your answer is anything other than an instant, "Yes!", with no other explanations or "becauses" added on, then you're not ready.
You may balk at that, but trust me on this one. If the answer is, "Well, I think so," you're not ready. If it's, "Yes, because it'll make my boyfriend/girlfriend so happy," you're not ready. It it's, "Yes, because at my age, people will think it's weird if I haven't had sex yet," you're not ready. If it's "Yes, because everyone else I know is already having sex, and I'm the only one who hasn't, and I'm a loser," you're not ready (and by the way, at least some percentage of "everyone else you know" is lying to cover up, trust me).
When you are ready to have sex, there will be no "becauses" after the "yes" other than "because I want to." When you are ready, you will know it with every inch of your being. You'll want it. Badly. I'm not saying you might not feel a little nervous about it, but it'll be the good, excited kind of nervous, not the bad, scared or worried kind of nervous.
If you don't feel that you want to do it with every inch of your being right now, I'd suggest you wait till you feel that way. You just need to have that "Yes! I want this more than anything!" feeling or it isn't going to be a great first experience. And trust me, I have a lot of friends who didn't have a great first experience because they pushed themselves ahead with it before feeling that "Yes!" feeling. And to a one, each has told me he/she wished he/she could go back now and re-do it. Whereas I waited a good long time till I felt that "Yes!" feeling (I was 20 when I first had full-on sex), but it was well worth the wait, because I enjoyed my first time thoroughly, and have no regrets about my first time at all. (And by the way, I'm not suggesting it's best to wait until you're any particular age--just make sure you wait until you are 100% certain you're ready, is all.)
2) Be realistic
The popular conception of one's first-time is that it supposedly "should" be this sacred love bond between two people. But conceptions are not necessarily realities. The real truth is that some people will arrive at that "Yes!" feeling as a result to having that kind of deep spiritual love connection with their partner. But some people's "Yes!" feeling will come from a surge of sheer lust--a physical need to fulfill a sexual drive. Either of those is entirely okay (so long as you don't try to fool your partner into thinking you feel something you don't, either way). And some may get to "Yes!" through an altogether different set of feelings than either of those. However, regardless of what got you to "Yes!", it's best to not build up your first time with SO much expectation that you are bound to be disappointed.
If romance, hearts, rose petals, and candles make your day, and you think it'll make your first time better, go on and have 'em. But my personal opinion is that that's the wrong primary focus. Just like everything else you try for the first time, things are not going to be perfect. Be ready for that. Don't focus so much on getting the "perfect" romantic setting that when it turns out you forgot to bring the candles, it kills your entire mood. Focus instead on the important basics: finding an environment where you feel safe and positive, where you can spend uninterrupted time, and you and your partner can communicate openly. That last one means you want somewhere where you won't have to whisper or stay silent because people are nearby and you don't want them to hear. Your first time needs to be a situation where you can openly communicate (and your lover can hear and respond to) how you're feeling and what feels good to you and what doesn't--and one where you can make lots of luscious, enthusiastic noise if the mood hits you, without feeling embarrassed about it.
3) Be open about your experience level with your partner
It's crucial that you let your partner know this is your first time having sex, and what you have and haven't done in bed so far. If your partner doesn't know your level of experience, he or she can't help make your first time a good one. He or she won't know where he/she has to slow down and explain, or where he/she needs to be more careful until you feel secure in what is going on. I can't stress this enough. For your own well-being, don't hide the fact that you're a virgin. Just explain this is new for you, and you may need some extra communication and teaching. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. And in fact, many, many people find it incredibly sexy to be someone's "first."
4) Choose your partner well
If I could rule the world, I would require all sex newbies to have their first time with someone who is experienced and certified (through an Sexual Aptitude Test) as having high scores as a sexual partner. The thought of two virgins trying to figure out how to have good first-time sex together seems sweet to me, but I'm guessing it probably doesn't make the best possible sexual experience you could have. Whereas, sleeping for the first time with someone who knows his/her stuff and who is a good, kind, patient, and passionate teacher can really be a benefit. But still, that's unrealistic. Some virgins are going to have sex with other virgins. Some are not. And even if you sleep with someone who's had 100 partners or more, that's no guarantee they'll be good in bed. So the key is, you want to maximize your chances you'll end up with a good partner for a first-time experience. With that in mind, here are some some early indicators to look for that may help predict who will be a good sexual partner when the time comes:
Whew! That's all I have time for tonight. I have even more things to say, and will try to get a part two up as soon as I can, though I can't promise it'll be tomorrow.
But for the time being, readers--what do you think of the tips above? Agree? Disagree? Have more to add? Other suggestions for Anonymous? Please speak up!
And Anonymous, since Valentine's Day is coming up and I somehow suspect this might be your planned "moment of attack," I'll say to you that if I don't get to part two before then, and you know you have your "YES!" feeling good and ready to go...well, just relax, enjoy it, keep communication between yourself and your partner open, never be afraid to say (and be firm about) what you do and don't want. Also remember nothing is perfect when you do it the first time; the key is not to get it all right the first time, but to have a great time trying things out.
I hope this was useful to you. Good luck!
Do you have a preference during sex?
It's often said men are more visual than women, and so the assumption is that males always prefer lights-on sex, while women, who are said to be less visual and have more shyness/hangups about their bodies, always prefer lights off.
The topic came up in a discussion I was having the other day, and my first instinct was to say I prefer lights off, or very dim lighting in dark rooms (candles, fireplaces, other low lights that cast shadows and make the room glow). This is not so much to do with not being visual or being shy as that I like the moods these darkened environments evoke. When a room is entirely dark, there is a secret, clandestine, even slightly dangerous feel that heightens one's senses and arousal. Not being able to see where you will be touched next and knowing your partner can't predict what he'll feel next from you is a very seductive, exciting state of mind. And low lighting in an otherwise dark room has a romantic, warm, loving feel to it that can add a lot of emotion to the sexual interaction. Plus, such lighting makes the lines and curves of your lover's body--and your own--seem soft, inviting, and luminous, and that can be very appealing and can make you feel very sexy.
But after having that first impulse, I realized that while I am attracted to darkness during sex as a mood, I don't really *prefer* it to be dark. I'm not afraid of or turned off by sex in the light. In fact, some of the greatest sexual moments I've had have happened during full daylight hours. And during those moments, I don't remember once wishing it were dark instead. I enjoy seeing the totality of my lover's body in the light, stretched out before me, allowing me to decide exactly what I want to touch, lick, caress, tease, etc. next. I like being able to see the look in his eyes, the changes in his face as his desire takes hold, his skin (and other key areas) reacting to touch, his muscles stretching and contracting as he moves. Though I do sometimes get shy, I also like seeing him looking at me and enjoying what he's looking at. And I love the feel of riding my lover in full daylight, with the sun and morning air stirring all around us. I feel bright and powerful and energetic and full of hope. As opposed to the sexy clandestine nature of the dark, this is an entirely different kind of sexy. This is me and that man saying, This is us, world. Look at us. Look at how we move. We're beautiful together.
So, on second thought, is either a preference? Not really. I like both, and I like to mix them up, depending on what mood I'm in, what locale I'm in, and what time of day it is. When it comes down to it, any of it is good, so long as I'm getting to have sex with someone I want to have sex with. But one thing I DID realize when thinking about it is that it seems it's not a light room I mind so much as extremely UNNATURAL lighting. I like sex in natural daylight. I like sex in the dark or with luminous "mood lighting." But the mental image of sex under harsh florescent bulbs, for instance--THAT gives me the shudders. It feels...institutional, clinical. Plus it makes bodies look somehow green and tired. Yuck.
So I'll have a little light, a little dark, and a little chiarooscuro in my sex life. But no industrial lighting, please. (Guess that means I'm not a good candidate to become a porn actress, eh?)
So how about you? Your preference for sex: lights on, lights off, or other? And in your experience, do you think this preference does skew by gender, or is that just a myth?
I'm just curious. Has anyone reading ever been told they're bad in bed? Or bad at any particular kind of sex act?
Or, because that may be to embarrassing for anyone to admit (at least without commenting anonymously, which you CAN do), or in case you never have been, let me also ask the question another way:
Have you ever been with someone who was bad in bed, or bad at particular sex acts (or even just not all THAT good)? And if so, did you tell the person?
And if you didn't tell the person they were bad, did you lie and tell them they were good to make them feel better, or did you just say nothing?
No one's ever told me I'm bad in bed. In fact, I've gotten plenty of compliments. But what if everyone's just covering and I suck????? How do I tell for sure?
Because, I mean, I've always made the choice to never have sex with someone who was truly awful at the sexual preliminary rounds. So most of my lovers have been pretty good. But I've absolutely fooled around with guys who sucked majorly at pre-sex fooling around. And I never told them. I just stopped fooling around with them as quickly as possible and never came back for more. So they went on to the next chick and sucked for her, too, probably.
And of course some of my lovers were better than others. And I never told the ones who were less good than others that they were--because they weren't BAD, just not AS GOOD.
Can YOU tell for sure how good you are? Of if you're any good at all? Hmmmm?
Heh. Just a passing thought.
This little piece of unnecessary paranoia brought to you by the good folks at Sexeteria. Please remember to tip your hostess.
The beast in me
Is caged by frail and fragile bonds
Restless by day
And by night, rants and rages at the stars
We were young lovers; not in love (well, maybe secretly, a little), but at least very in love with being young lovers. We fucked constantly, until one day he told me confidentially he was so raw he thought he might need to take a one-night reprieve just to protect the health of his poor, aching cock. And then, within minutes of having said this, he was fucking me again. And again and again.
He lived in a flat with others, so we would go to his bedroom when we wanted to be alone together. We always wanted to be alone together. And, since the wardrobe and his big bed took up most of his small, crazy-wallpaper-patterened, bay windowed bedroom, even when we weren't fucking, we more or less lived together in bed. We talked, ate, played, read, fucked, dressed, undressed, and did everything else together in or on his bed, surrounded by a floor strewn with books and ash trays and empty Bulgarian wine bottles made into makeshift candle holders. We fucked with the bay windows open, on purpose. And wondered who in the long rows of flats on the opposite side of the street had seen us.
But it is not him I want to tell you about. It's about a moment I remember that happened with him; a moment never completed, and one I've always tried to find since.
We were, one night, as all other nights, in bed. We generally slept naked but in this memory we had on some clothes. He had on some old sweatpants and I had on an old, worn-out t-shirt of his with some punk band logo on it. We were lounging around, chatting, doing nothing in particular, and then somehow, a pillow fight started. I can't remember who initiated; it is gone from my memory. It might have been me who suggested it; he was always far too intellectual and serious and, well, English to click into goofball play mode unless I prodded him a tiny bit--but I knew he was always dying for the prod. So I would prod, and then he was off. This was probably one of those times. "Let's have a pillow fight," I might have said, and I think, after some teasing and goading, perhaps it was he who first lightly, good-naturedly smacked me with his lumpy, worn feather pillow. I grabbed the other and smacked him back. We were laughing; he hit back again, a little harder. I jumped to my knees while he was still half-lounging below me, raising my pillow above my head to deliver a fatal smacking blow. While I still had the pillow raised over my head, he smacked his full into me, across my face.
And suddenly the air became charged. Delighted at his dirty fighting, I howled with the fake anger of wounded betrayal and pounded him with my pillow, seeking revenge. He leapt up out of bed and I pursued. We ran around the room and scrambled over the bed, smacking each other over and over, each time progressively harder. And each time I got hit, I loved it. And each time I hit him harder and harder, I loved it. It was like my whole life had been slow up to this minute, and now, now I finally knew what it was like to have blood coursing--rushing--through my veins. It was a delicious, delighted rage I felt. It was a heady insanity; an intense reverse evolutionary rush that changed us from adult to child to--yes, yes!--animal in mere moments. We ran, screaming and laughing and hitting each other harder and harder. And it was so good. I couldn't stop, now that I had found this feeling. I could feel him fighting and I fought back; it was so good; beyond words.
I hit and hit and hit and hit again, harder, harder, teeth bared with effort, noises coming out of my throat, hoarse and growling with delight... and it was better than orgasm; better than heaven; total release, complete freedom, no sense involved, just sheer rage-filled adoration and arousal---and I wanted to live there forever.
And suddenly he wasn't hitting back anymore...I heard him shouting something....I held back for a moment...and everything zoomed in to a hyper-suspended moment of stillness...
And there we were staring at each other...him barefooted, bare-chested, breathless, on the floor at the foot of the bed, looking up at me as I stood above him on the rickety bed, barely clothed, pushing my hair out of my face, panting, eyes locked with his. My pillow raised and ready to defend or strike, shakily balancing myself, watching him for any sudden move. I stared into his eyes, a strange kind of exhilaration coursing through me. I felt like a wolf, like a cougar, some wild thing, circling another of my kind, ready to run in for the final fight. And oh, I wanted it. I wanted to feel the moment of engagement. I wanted to feel the fight and the rip and the kill. I wanted to feel myself doing it and I wanted to feel him doing it to me. I looked deep in his eyes, ready to howl in ecstatic rage as we leapt at each other. And he looked back at me and I could see...fear.
No, no! I thought. Don't back down! Don't leave me here! Fight back! Stay up here with me in mad animal nirvana! Show me what you're made of! Make me fight you! Wrestle me down and roll with me on the ground, biting and scratching and growling and fucking and fucking and fucking me till we lose our minds.
I tried to say this with my eyes. But I could see the light had gone out in his; all I could see was fear. And then hidden close behind, anger and possibly disgust and...was it humiliation? But above all, a desire--a begging--to turn to back to normal. Not just begging for him to. For both of us to. For me to not be this thing I had become. And the feeling inside me, it was like a balloon slowly being leaked of its helium.
I have never found any man, ever, who wanted to stay there with me at that level of animal savagery; who didn't hold back or back down and stop it before we'd really gotten there--beyond. It is a crossing over, allowing oneself to be in that state, and one needs to be willing to turn certain things off to be brave enough to stay there. Most people are not comfortable with the absence of those things.
This doesn't mean my relationships aren't good. They are; the sex is good and very satisfying within the boundaries of how far the men I am with are willing to take it. I understand that most people don't want to go to this place. And I don't like my lovers to feel afraid or uncomfortable, and I like lots of the other places they do like to go.
But for me, the lack of someone who can understand and connect to this state with me often leaves me feeling like a prisoner who has been kept in seclusion for many years. I long for that feelng of release; but it will take at least one other willing person to make it happen.
No matter how many years you keep a prisoner in the darkness, though, she can still remember what a sunlit garden looks and smells and feels like.
I still dream of the garden. And of someone who also dreams of it, who gets it and who's willing to open the door to it with me.
I hope I can find him so the seclusion can be over. He's who I'm looking for.
Okay, so here's the scenario. You've been getting to know someone new; it's clear you're both attracted to each other, and you know each other at least enough to know you generally like each other as people (as in, this is not an anonymous hookup). Your drawing together results in a sexual experience (the first you've ever had with this individual). It can be an experience of any sort--in person, via phone, via IM, whatever. The point is, sexual intimacy is exchanged--orgasms are reached. You have the usual afterglow moment, and then you both leave the metaphorical post-coital bed to go back to your individual living situations.
The next day arrives. What's the protocol?
In your opinion, should there, by rote, be contact the next day? Who makes the contact? What kind of contact should it be? What's good and what's just too much? In the case of heterosexual couplings, should it be the woman or the man who does so?
Or forget about the "shoulds." What do YOU want or do in this situation?
My own feeling is next-day contact is important. I definitely want contact. And I want the guy to initiate it.
I know this appears to fly in the face of feminism, and of COURSE if the woman wants to make first contact after first orgasm I think that's fine. But perhaps my preference isn't as anti-feminist as one might think. Let's face it, the world still is a patriarchy, and there is a certain amount of double-standard that exists in patriarchies. This double-standard feeds into an unspoken judgment of sexual women as being of "lower worth." The woman may reject this standard (as I do), and have the sex she wants to have, when she wants to have it (as I do). She may feel fine with that decision. But she also knows the judgment's out there in the world. And it's a nice reinforcement to get from the male she's just had sex with that he, too, rejects that standard.
So I think it's only polite for the man to be the one initiate the next-day contact formalities, rather than wait for the woman to do so. Why? Because doing this reinforces his enthusiasm for the woman's decision to be a fully sexual woman in the world. This does not mean I want the man's approval of my sexual choices. More, I want the reassurance he's not an asshole--that I accidentally didn't pick an asshole disguising himself as an evolved guy just to get some pussy. I want to know that AFTER he's gotten his rocks off, he's still acting like he thinks of my body and self as something of value he was lucky enough to have had me decide to share with him, rather than some inhuman thing to be used as his orgasm receptacle.
Because, yes, even with my entrenched belief that I'm just fine being as sexual as I want to be, I'll cop to still having an insecurity that the guy might not be, and that the day after, even after I've made what I feel is a careful choice about who to have sex with, said guy might turn out to be an undercover asshole user after all. It's pounded in to us women early on that men will do or say anything to manipulate us into having sex, and that afterwards, they'll think worse of you for having done so. Those voices in your head die hard, no matter how you feel about yourself. And men themselves don't always help to negate that stereotype. So it's nice to get the quick call, email, flowers, or whatever it is, to say, "That was a great time, thanks; I think you're great."
I think this holds even in casual relationships, where there won't be any kind of formal, long-term thing starting up. It doesn't take much effort to shoot off a quick email or phone call the day after. It's only polite.
So what do you think? What do you think is best the day after? If you're a male, do you suffer from the same after-sex insecurities about your partner's personality and/or opinion, and wish the women would contact instead of you? If you've been in same-sex couplings, what has your experience been about how people have handled "the day after?" If you think there doesn't have to be contact the next day, when should there be?
---
*with apologies to Emily, currently turning over in her grave
My Sex Tips for Virgins (Part 1) post that I wrote quite a while back continues to be one of my most highly keyword-searched and trafficked posts. Because of this, I've always felt a little guilty I didn't continue on with the series as I'd originally planned. Obviously a lot of people are looking for help in this area.
Today, I got a concerned comment on that old post from a very sweet girl, and my comment back to her grew to massive post length, so I'm going to post my answer here as a somewhat personally addressed "part two" in the series. Hopefully, as I get less busy, I'll be able to have more organized, generalized follow-ups.
I'd like all readers to keep in mind, however, that though I'm choosing to answer a younger person in this particular post, because she seems to really need some info, this site is in general an adult site, and is not meant for teen readership. So that means, any teen readers of this post, no peeking around elsewhere, or I'm taking your cell phones away for a year! Got it? Good.
Okay. Here's what the commenter wrote:
I'll be very honest with everyone, I'm only 14 & my boyfriend is turning 15 really soon. It isn't that we are 'planning' to have sex but we both can sense it's coming up, we are sort of afraid to move bases, I really don't know what to do it's kinda scary, I'm a virgin and he is too, I'm his first girlfriend and he is my second. My first bf went with one of my friends but i didnt care, but when i found out they are almost 'having' sex I freaked. I mean we all are only 14 and really soon both guys turn 15, I mean, both she & I are very worried. We don't know what to do. I know my bf and I wont do anything wrong, yet, but I know and feel it in my heart he is the one, my true love, but sex is such a difficult topic to talk about, I don't know what to do. I need help, I just want to know when should I have sex with my Bf, when we both are older or at least responsible enough to take care of a baby??? I don't know, I'm confused I love him with all my heart, really i do. But the thing is that I'm lost and I have no idea what to say, all i want is to move base, as in more than just kissing & hugging, i want more. I feel so bad but i love it at the same time, I need help can anyone help???
Viridiana
To see my answer, please hit the "continue reading" link below.
Know what I haven't done in a while? Talked about sex. Well, baby, tonight's the night (though you'll have to hang in a bit to get to it).
One thing that's interesting about this internet world--and the written word in general--is the perception aspect. That is, the perceptions one builds of the people one reads. Much like reading a book where you create a mental image of the character, people read a blogger's words and filter them through their own imaginations and experience. And whether deliberately or no, a picture of what the person would be like to interact with in "real life" develops--you invent an imaginary voice for the person, an imaginary height, body type...you think you "get" how that person would move or respond or act in real life.
I suppose this response is only natural. But it's good to remember that this imagined perception is all you, not them.
To make my case, I'll use myself and some of the assumptions of me that have been shared with me, and seem most pronounced.
Assumption #1: You know what I sound like.
One misperception that I've heard very often relates to my voice. People who have known me first by writing and then heard my real life voice are, almost, to a one, shocked. I've been told many times that my "typed voice" comes across as "tough" or some such thing. Generally people tell me they expect to hear someone with a voice that's "harsher." One person said they'd expected "loud and nasally, like Fran Drescher." Another person said they'd thought it would be "gravel and cigarettes throaty." Time and again, the perceptions shared with me are similar to those--they'll use words like "low," "hard," and "tough" for what they imagine I'd sound like speaking to them. I think they expect to hear some brassy Algonquin-round-table broad type who's going to shoot back double-edged innuendos at them while sounding horrifically jaded and mildly annoyed.
When instead, they get this.
Which by all accounts, my writing does not "sound like," at least to others. And yet, I type to the voice in my head, which sounds to me like my voice. I'd say everything I say here out loud. But often, people take what I say differently when write things, versus when I say the same things to them in my voice.
When people hear my voice, they tend to use adjectives like "soft," "sweet," "girlish," and "sexy." Some of those probably describe my personality more than "low," "hard," and "tough." Although I'm not a pushover, I have always felt far from tough. Ultimately I am and have always been, despite trying to fight it for many years, a nice person. A smart, thoughtful, resilient, sometimes clever person, too--but always kind--or that is my natural inclination to want to be, anyway. A sweet girl who happens to like talking frankly about many things--including sex. But this combination seems to come as a surprise to most people--like they assume the two could never go together.
Anyway, the point is, people tend to assume I'm a different kind of person based on whether they read my writing or hear my voice. People who hear and see me in real life tend to assume my soft voice and polite, kind mode of expression makes me a Nice Girl, and hence not very sexual--and are surprised when I am. Whereas many people who read my words without hearing the voice assume I am more sexual and powerful than nice.
Which leads me to my next example.
Assumption #2: I'd like to dominate you.
The "more sexual than nice" perception my writing seems to inspire in some also sometimes leads to the assumption that I'd have a domme propensity. Again, incorrect. While I enjoy many kinds of sexual play all across the spectrum, if I had to choose one end of the BDSM scale to define me (and I hope I never have to), I'd say I tend more toward sub. Inside I am sweet and shy and even a bit emotionally innocent. And so a sexually confident man especially makes my sweet, shy, innocent toes curl in delight (a genuine sexually confident man, that is, not a fake sexually aggressive blowhard asshole who's just covering for his insecurities).
I like being seduced by someone who knows how to do it really well, and the excitement of that power dynamic. I like being (genuinely) flattered and flirted with and growled at. I like being held down. I like being talked dirty to. I like being spanked and (if appropriate) being given orders. I like a guy telling me in a voice thick with desire exactly what he's going to do to me and how hard he's going to do it, and the affect he wants it to have. I like being thrown on the bed. I like being fucked hard. In short, I like feeling the power of my guy's masculinity; and I like feeling the power of feeling delicate and femme under his strength.
Of course, those are all mildly subby qualities--they're not a lifestyle. But I like all those mildly sub things, very, very, very much.
But even more than that, if you really want to know what I'm like...well, what pleases me most is the interplay of seasoned sexual equals. Two sexually strong people coming together; worthy opponents who admire each other's skills and are ready to engage all night long, surprising and impressing each other with unexpected moves, until they're exhausted and panting and ready to drop. Lion and tigress; Batman and Catwoman; ninja and pirate; spy and assassin. But then, even in those scenarios, I ultimately like the guy to "overcome" in the end. In short, I like you to feel big and strong. Really big (and strong). 'Cause you are. And 'cause it gets me hot.
Also, along with these, I do enjoy some sweet, affectionate, heartfelt vanilla lovemaking, too. Best is having all the above mixed together, if you can imagine having all that in one. That's what I like.
So you see, not a tendency to dom.
This is not to say I don't ever have fantasies where I'm in the assertive position. I do. But even in those, the dominant role I'm playing tends far more toward seduction (e.g., he shouldn't be fucking me and is restraining himself from reacting, but I overcome his hesitation) or teasing (e.g., he's strong but tied up and can't get to me like he wants to; straining against his bonds--very hot). And even in those scenarios, eventually the guy becomes strong and asserts himself in the end.
This is also not to say I never initiate or never assert myself in bed. I do. I almost always get on top at some point in a session (to me this isn't even a dominant pose, but I know other people think it is). And just like in reverse, I like telling a guy exactly what I want to do to him--and what I want him to do to me. And I will definitely do things to you without you having to request or order me to. I will suggest and try things I'm interested in. I will talk dirty to you.
No, I am not a shrinking violet in the bedroom, even if I like a little sub spice. I will almost certainly ask for what I want if i want something, or ask you to keep doing something if I like it--maybe even beg or scream for it--but the main point is, I won't generally demand it and then hurt you if you don't give it to me.
Because I'm not a big fan of the big hurt, whether physically or emotionally, of either my partner or myself. Mild, teasing hurt, sure. Spanking? A little biting? A crop or a paddle? Why not. But clamps? Cutting? Asphyxiation? Real, serious pain? Meh. I can see the erotic possibilities of it from a fantasy perspective, but ultimately it's not sexy for me to watch in real life.
Also not sexy to me: a guy who crawls, cowers, whine-begs, wears diapers, acts like a baby. I'm not judging here; it works for some, and that's just fine--it just doesn't turn me on. I simply don't like weakness in a partner in bed.
That doesn't mean, however, I won't enjoy being dominant in bed, IF we've decided that's the game we're playing. But I don't naturally go that way unless asked, and I don't feel comfortable being asked until I've established a trusting and different, non-dom power dynamic with that person first. I need to know the expectation won't be that I'm always the dominant, and that my partner has already established his sexual strength. Because I find a powerful person willing to submit briefly for play to be incredibly sexy. He doesn't HAVE to, but he wants to let me feel the power balance shift in my favor. He wants to feel what it's like to surrender that power for a while and, for instance, be fucked by someone else (something I've yet to try, but that I would try with the right partner). He wants me to enjoy the role reversal. And in that kind of a dynamic, I do enjoy it. I like to see a strong, grown man out of his element, and feeling pleasure in it. For a special treat. But ultimately, I don't want to stay there all the time. If the person wants me to consistently be the dominant one, I feel misunderstood and unnatural. To do that would to be playacting 24/7, and I prefer sex to be very, very real.
So no, despite having an apparently "strong" writing voice (even though I personally think I sound consistently vulnerable on this blog), I don't want to dominate you. Unless you win me over first with your big, strong man self.
And I if I am just getting to know a guy and the first thing he wants me to do is dominate him, I always feel just a bit creeped out by it. Because then I know he hasn't really seen me, hasn't "gotten" me at all--he's just made an assumption. It happens sometimes. Often with macho types, ironically. They'll come on all strong and I'll be squirming with delight at their assertiveness and then suddenly when it gets down to the first real, crucial moment...they want me to humiliate or dominate them. It's always a disappointment on both a bait-and-switch level and also because I end up feeling completely misunderstood as a human.
And speaking of misunderstood:
Assumption #3: Because I talk about sex it means I want to fuck you, or that I'm an emotion-free Fembot designed specifically for your pleasure.
This one I feel really deserves no explanation--it should be an obvious fact of life. But it is shocking to me how often men themselves are shocked by a woman who will talk about sex with frankness and openly say she enjoys it. And equally shocking to me are the assumptions some of them make based on that reality. I mean, come on fellas, is it really that rare these days? When a GUY talks to you about sex, do you assume he wants to fuck you, regardless of his orientation?
So for the record: just because I talk about sex with you doesn't mean I want to have sex with you. It means simply that I like talking about sex as one of many topics I enjoy talking about. It doesn't mean I am trying to turn you on, even if you do get turned on. Saying that I enjoy sex doesn't mean I'm thinking of having it with you. Necessarily. Of course, any of those conditions may be true: in some cases I might want to fuck the guy I'm talking to, or tease him to arousal, or I might be thinking about having sex with him. But this is not the rule by a long shot.
Think of it this way. Women talk about sex with their girlfriends a lot, but often not men BECAUSE of this very misconception. If you're a man and you want more women talking with you about sex, get past this misconception. When I talk to men about sex, I'm being equal opportunity. That is all (most of the time).
And also: no, I don't see sex as separate from emotion just because I'm openly sexual. Yes, I like sex. AND I don't do casual sex. These can actually coexist. I don't like or respect people who assume because I'm sexually open that I'll take intimacy lightly and think I'm cool with being treated casually after they've gotten off. I think it's rude and disrespectful. And as such I tend to be very picky about my partners. Of course, everyone makes mistakes sometimes, but I try my best to choose wisely to meet this expectation of mine. Many of you would probably be surprised at the relatively low number of full-blown (ahem) lovers I've had.
Anyway, to sum up: women do talk about sex. Get over it. Sometimes a cigar vibe conversation is just a cigar vibe conversation.
Assumption #4: Because I sometimes blog about sex, the first thing I want to talk about with you is sex.
In fact, the direct opposite is true. Off blog, the more likely a person is to head right into the sex conversation without attempting to speak to me like a normal person who probably has a variety of interests, the less likely I am to respond to them. Sex is only one of many interests of mine and only a small portion of what I'm about, just like you. And you don't need to communicate with me about sex, because you get to read that part of me on this blog (at least, you used to; lately the topic hasn't been inspiring a lot of writing). I like people; I am interested in smart, funny, interesting, multifaceted, humans. This is who I find pleasure in interacting with. I have absolutely no interest in communicating with "a raging hard on that has evolved the ability to type" (god, I wish I'd come up with that genius line).
Now if you can just imagine me saying that in the sweetest voice ever, maybe it won't sound so harsh. Heh.
End point: A blog gives you very little to go on. Even when people are totally genuine, we are all of us more than we appear in the little glimpses of ourselves we give you. I myself have been surprised multiple times when I've met online people in real life and something about them has completely clashed with my perception of them.
So, now....some of the assumptions above you may have held about me, some you may not have. I'm curious: Just for fun, what image of me do/did you have in your head? What do I look like, sound like, act like, dress like? I promise to debunk all misconceptions offered with the real picture (unless you ask me not to).
And for those of you who already know me off blog a bit--or for anyone else--what misperceptions do you run into most between your writing and in-the-flesh selves?
---
Photo credit: moveable-type-blog by pub_lick_smith
This page contains an archive of all entries posted to Sexeteria in the sex category. They are listed from oldest to newest.
self-image is the previous category.
sexual assault is the next category.
Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.